Son perennially painted blackBPDw

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Married 17 years to STBxBPDw, S11, S5, collaborative divorce in process.

I had an old friend of my wife and I contact me today. My wife had apparently told this friend that we are getting divorced because I believe she has a PD, which she asserts she does not. Our mutual friend contacted me via text to tell me that she too had gone through divorce with a xh who had BPD. Over the course of the conversation, she told me how she noticed my wife does not seem to care much for S11, especially in comparison to S5. I explained that my wife had started to triangulate with me and S11 when he was just 1 day old, how I let my son down by ignoring what I knew felt inherently wrong about our dynamic together - I could never understand why she wouldn't rejoice in me loving her son. Seems so apparent now, but at the time, I was just bewildered. My friend relayed a story how she met my wife at a grocery store after S11 had just been born and congratulated her on her beautiful baby. My wife told her she was in mourning over the birth, which had not been easy and didn't turn out natural as we had hoped. She was so sick in her mind. Having a hard time forgiving myself for not protecting my oldest son sooner.

Somehow reading this from this friend made me wonder how on earth I did not see just how severe the post partum was and the bigger presence of mental illness behind it. I kept thinking it would get better. I even convinced myself it did get better. Looking back at all the ways I tried to accommodate my wife when my son was little, I was fighting so hard to stay in denial. And I got so isolated from friends and community, like no one wanted to talk to us because my wife's ways put so many people off. Now, stepping out of the shadow of the illness and going through divorce, people are popping out here or there to give me support and words of encouragement. I really needed them when I was in it, but maybe I couldn't or wouldn't have heard it.

Have any of you had this type of experience? Just wondering how do I talk to people so as not to fail the next poor kid who is getting trampled on by a sick parent?  My son was innocent. She always insisted (and still does) that he was manipulating from birth. How can anyone think that way? My son is in therapy, and he is doing okay overall. I have protected him as much as I can, and will do everything I can for him and his little brother. Still processing this friend's story. Could use some help.

[takingandsending]

Married 17 years to STBxBPDw, S11, S5, collaborative divorce in process.

I had an old friend of my wife and I contact me today. My wife had apparently told this friend that we are getting divorced because I believe she has a PD, which she asserts she does not. Our mutual friend contacted me via text to tell me that she too had gone through divorce with a xh who had BPD. Over the course of the conversation, she told me how she noticed my wife does not seem to care much for S11, especially in comparison to S5. I explained that my wife had started to triangulate with me and S11 when he was just 1 day old, how I let my son down by ignoring what I knew felt inherently wrong about our dynamic together - I could never understand why she wouldn't rejoice in me loving her son. Seems so apparent now, but at the time, I was just bewildered. My friend relayed a story how she met my wife at a grocery store after S11 had just been born and congratulated her on her beautiful baby. My wife told her she was in mourning over the birth, which had not been easy and didn't turn out natural as we had hoped. She was so sick in her mind. Having a hard time forgiving myself for not protecting my oldest son sooner.

Somehow reading this from this friend made me wonder how on earth I did not see just how severe the post partum was and the bigger presence of mental illness behind it. I kept thinking it would get better. I even convinced myself it did get better. Looking back at all the ways I tried to accommodate my wife when my son was little, I was fighting so hard to stay in denial. And I got so isolated from friends and community, like no one wanted to talk to us because my wife's ways put so many people off. Now, stepping out of the shadow of the illness and going through divorce, people are popping out here or there to give me support and words of encouragement. I really needed them when I was in it, but maybe I couldn't or wouldn't have heard it.

Have any of you had this type of experience? Just wondering how do I talk to people so as not to fail the next poor kid who is getting trampled on by a sick parent?  My son was innocent. She always insisted (and still does) that he was manipulating from birth. How can anyone think that way? My son is in therapy, and he is doing okay overall. I have protected him as much as I can, and will do everything I can for him and his little brother. Still processing this friend's story. Could use some help.

[david]

My ex put our first son on a pedestal. She was convinced he was a genius after he was about 6 months old.
Our second one, she was convinced, had downs syndrome. It took the doctor three days to convince her otherwise. When he started school she was convinced he had a learning disability and convinced the school to give him an IEP even though the tests they did were inconclusive. It wasn't until second grade that I convinced the school to retest him. He was placed in their accelerated program and is doing fine. He is in seventh grade now and is interested in all kinds of science things. He actually designed a furnace to melt metals. I looked it over and it looked like it would work. I purchased an electric furnace for Christmas and he has used it enough times now that I am convinced he knows what he is doing. He wants to make things with it and is currently figuring out different casting methods. His mom still thinks he has a learning disability.

[Deb]

Hi talkingandsending,

I had to wait a day before I amswered because this is so heartbreaking to me. My dBPD sister did this to her oldest daughter. My niece has cPTSD because of the way she was treated. She also has PTSD from being on a combat zone. (She's a veteran) Thankfully this has gotten her into therapy ay our local VA hospital. But I knew from shortly after my niece was born that something wasn't right with my sister's behavior towards niece. As she grew, nothing she did was good enough. She got straight As in school. Not good enough. She was in Search and Rescue with Explorer Scouts. Not good enough. She joined the Army right out of high school. Not good enough. Please do what you can to help your child. Can you get him in counseling? Have you considered a custoday evaluation because this behavior is bad for  him and his sibling. My niece was in her 40's before she went for help. Although she has been NC with my sister for nearly 2 decades. Some of the things she is now telling me about how she was treated shocked me. I knew it was not good but I never knew how bad it was. Although maybe, in hindsight, I should have, since I had to grow up with this woman. And no, I don't blame myself for not protecting niece. I didn't live that close and my sister still scares me.

[takingandsending]

Hey Deb. S11 sees a child therapist. He's a sweet, sensitive kid but the lack of safety has left him very frightened. He's afraid to go to neighbors house to ask if they can play, takes a long time to join into group activity, and never shares much what he feels. He projects a fair bit when he is upset which is worrisome.

I am not aiming for full custody though I've thought about it. Courts in my state typically push for 50/50 unless there's demonstrable neglect, abuse or cause for a different determination. Likewise, courts here tend to not use evals so much as look at parent behavior, so I think it would be a process to see over time that STBxw is not acting in children's best interest.

Just had a talk with the mother of one of S11's classmates. She too has observed the treatment my oldest gets from his mom and felt sorry for him. Kind of confirmed that he has lost a lot of opportunities at having friendships because of my wife's behaviors rubbing other parents the wrong way.

This is all stuff I guessed at but was not brave enough to just ask those parents. Now, with divorce, I am getting steady doses of people sharing their experience of STBxw, mostly unfavorable in her role as a mom. The alienation and isolation are tough to overcome. I am sorry about your niece and glad she is getting help now.

[Deb]

talkingandsending, I am glad that your son is in therapy. That hopefully will help him see it's not his fault and build his confidence. My sister blamed my niece for being born and hated her from before birth. She used to pund on her stomach and curse her baby. The oother two she wanted. But still didn't treat them well. Emotionally, my sister is a young child. SO a baby raising a baby. Each child has a different dad, and are spaced apart.

One thing I did do for them, that I didn't realize was good for them was gove them unconditional love. I mean, for most parents and relatives that would be natural, right?  Not for my sibling. And she hated that they loved me back.

I also understand not going for full custody at this time. Maybe, as your son gets older, he can vote with his feet and spend majority time where he knows he's loved.

[takingandsending]

That is what I am hoping for. My wife did not ever try to physically harm either son. And she does do good things with them, but is unaware of all the harmful words, blame and shame she uses with them when she is in her feelings. That is soo sad for your niece. Thank you for being there for her. Every kid needs someone to have their back. Sounds like you had hers.