Get out ... but not just yet

[takingandsending]

I am entering the bizarro land with STBuBPDxw. She has been asking me to get out of our house for last 6 months. I have made a bit of breakthrough on getting temp agreements with her on custody and financial arrangement (i.e. payments from me to her). So I have spent last week and a half looking for houses. Found one, a little more rent than I want to pay but has space for kids to run, play, bike. Now, xw says, it feels "heavy". In fact, my moving out feels "heavy" in March, April, May ... .basically until June, whereupon it goes on a diet and feels "light". This is her way of knowing when something is right or wrong, whether or not it feels heavy or light to her.

This is the prototypical "I hate you ... .don't go" behavior. I think that she will now claim I am leaving her with all the bills and only half the income and I am pressuring her to manage it all. How do I keep my head clear and do what is best for me and my children? Boundaries work needed again. Yay.

[ForeverDad]

She's an adult so it can't be all your fault.  Oh, yeah, that's not how she would describe it.

Can she get a smaller place so the bills aren't as high?  Oh, yeah, if it's too expensive for her then her solution is to make you pay more.

If your name is on the deed or especially if your name is on the mortgage, she either has to buy you out and get a new mortgage in just her name.  Anything else and her staying in the house is just a stopgap measure to be addressed later in the divorce process.

Remember not to 'gift' her the last of your Leverage until she can complied with the terms agreed to or ordered... .

— If she will keep the house and you're on the mortgage, she has to refinance without you as debtor.

— If she will keep the house and you're on the deed, make sure your quit claim deed is held safely in escrow until she clears the mortgage.

— If you will keep the house and she is on the deed, make sure you hold back a major chunk of payments to her in escrow until she signs a quit claim deed to you.

As messed up as most pwBPD are, they generally know the values of $$$ they want.  That is your Leverage for compliance to the financial obligations.

[takingandsending]

A very hard mediation session today. Was accused of many things - no DV claim at least, though she implied I do not allow her to express herself and she is afraid of my anger. I did actually express anger today in session - I have done everything that we have agreed upon in these sessions, and she is continually changing her mind, changing her demands and finding new things to blame me with. At one point, mediator asked her if it possible for someone to respect her and disagree with her at the same time. That stopped her in her tracks for a bit, at which point she replied, "Yes. I have had that experience before, but never with him."

She is getting more and more and more controlling, as this drags out. I usually ignore her b.s., and think about sunnier days ahead, but it is ridiculous. Her true colors showed up for a bit - she said: "you know, I could just hire a lawyer and take the kids and the house if I wanted. I know what I'm entitled to."  I am heading out to see the rental house, and have a check ready to put deposit down. The sooner we move into split households and parallel parenting, the better. We agreed to schedule with no modifications.

[flourdust]

I think we've talked before about your decision point on when to stop mediation and proceed to a judicial remedy. Have you gotten anything that you've agreed to in mediation in writing? ANY agreements that you can make go off the table for a court resolution. So, if you can agree on custody, that's off the table for the court, and the judge will just hear you on financial matters. Get as much resolved in mediation as you reasonably can, but don't drag it on with the hope that you can resolve everything that way if you aren't making clear progress.