BPD Avoiding Holidays/Obligations?

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Hey all,

Something that really bothered me throughout my relationship with my BPD ex gf was her missing weddings, holidays, my kid's birthdays, my birthday, times she said she'd watch my kids, etc. It happened all too often and she always blamed it on her anxiety. So much that her behavior became predictable and I could never get my hopes up to rely on her. Either that, or she ended up in the emergency room for some illness that just happened to come about. Come to think of it, there have been many ailments she has had that just seem to have faded away... .Anyways, is this normal? There were times she would literally wait until the last possible second to tell me she couldn't show for things that were important to me, let alone never letting me be included in things on her side.  She always seemed to be ok for any other event or family function on her end, or her friends. Mainly the anxiety was the excuse, or I'd just get some very transparent lie.

Thoughts on this? It really bugs me because it makes me feel like the relationship was even more one sided at those times.

[Ragnar1982]

Hey all,

Something that really bothered me throughout my relationship with my BPD ex gf was her missing weddings, holidays, my kid's birthdays, my birthday, times she said she'd watch my kids, etc. It happened all too often and she always blamed it on her anxiety. So much that her behavior became predictable and I could never get my hopes up to rely on her. Either that, or she ended up in the emergency room for some illness that just happened to come about. Come to think of it, there have been many ailments she has had that just seem to have faded away... .Anyways, is this normal? There were times she would literally wait until the last possible second to tell me she couldn't show for things that were important to me, let alone never letting me be included in things on her side.  She always seemed to be ok for any other event or family function on her end, or her friends. Mainly the anxiety was the excuse, or I'd just get some very transparent lie.

Thoughts on this? It really bugs me because it makes me feel like the relationship was even more one sided at those times.

[ynwa]

Hey Ragnar,

Whether actual anxiety or traits of BPD, I think you might see it as a lack of being responsible in ways a NON can take for granted.  They are more self involved in their own heads, that simple things become impossible or unimportant to them. 

Whether the thought is, "what's in it for me" or "It's too much". There is a bent and clumsy thought process for them that stops them taking normal adult responsibilities in stride.

My friends all have stories of my ex flaking and just disappearing when they needed her.  I know too well the endless amounts of times I had to deal with her inabilty to do things. 

Does it take the weight off you to realize this? 

[Ragnar1982]

Thanks. It does a bit. My therapist also tells me it's more than likely not her anxiety, but more about her not wanting to get so enmeshed with my family and friends if she can help it because of the abandonment stuff. Also, she doesn't think she truly has anxiety as a condition, but that she uses that as an excuse. Any anxiety she feels probably comes from trying to live a double life with me and her "ex" that she still lives with. (Long story

[Ragnar1982]

One more thing: As I think about it, she actually has said to me "it's too much" before! How freaking strange this all is becoming to me

[earlyL]

Hi,

My dBPD was actually the opposite and in fact it was too much for me. She wanted me to be involved in everything, meet all her friends and go to every event. If I am honest I found it really difficult, as I really wanted us to have some independent friends etc. Now that we have split I am finding it as I predicted, incredibly difficult as we were involved in everything together. Before the break-up she said to me that she was overwhelmed by me, which seemed such an odd thing to say after her initiating being together at everything. I said this to her and she said she never made me come to all the events. I think though that ynwa is correct, it did feel that it was all about her. She didn't buy me anything for my birthday last year and I found that so strange. I was away working though for my birthday so I think it was a punishment for not being around. I also found that things she said were so important to her, all of a sudden have changed and are no longer important. Really small things, but they have helped me see that it is also perhaps the case for bigger things for her, it really is all about the now for her and her feelings at that particular moment. I agree, she essentially took me for granted, or as my therapist put it - that I was neglected. It was not something I had ever felt, but when she said it, it rang true.

LW

[ynwa]

One more thing: As I think about it, she actually has said to me "it's too much" before! How freaking strange this all is becoming to me

You are gaining perspective? 

[ynwa]

she essentially took me for granted, or as my therapist put it - that I was neglected. It was not something I had ever felt, but when she said it, it rang true.

LW

I watched the change in my ex from wanting to do and be everywhere to cycles of laying in bed and blaming me for "not going out".  I would take being taken granted in stride, you were her CONSTANT perhaps? They can't relate to that, at least some of the time. That's the overwhelmed.  It's also my ex asking me even now "if things are too much".  The irony being when I would tell her at other times, it WAS too much, she attacked back immediately. 

[Kelli Cornett]

They don't want real intimacy to form

[Ragnar1982]

Here's the thing with her. She is always going to events, after work clubs, etc. she wants to be involved with everything. I think it makes her feel more important than she actually is. She sells weddings at a hotel... .but she runs with a crowd that is pretty well to do. However, in 15 months I was NEVER invited to attend one of these things with her. I literally met her mom and her friends 1 time. That's why it's so weird to me that whenever I needed her or needed her to be somewhere, she would have an excuse. I think she was trying to hide me from her "ex" who knew the same people. I can count on one hand the people that knew about me at any given point of our "relationship".

[earlyL]

  I would take being taken granted in stride, you were her CONSTANT perhaps? They can't relate to that, at least some of the time. That's the overwhelmed.  It's also my ex asking me even now "if things are too much".  The irony being when I would tell her at other times, it WAS too much, she attacked back immediately. 

You mean being her constant was then seen as a bad thing in the end? I felt that perhaps I was too stable for her and she was terrified of it so found someone else (married) to put her attention on.

I agree, as soon as I suggested we did too many things together she attacked.

[Ragnar1982]

It's tough to be taken for granted in stride. I feel like I was my ex's constant for sure. The last time she spoke she said I was "#1 in love". This is because she has a turmoltuous relationship with the father of her kids that she STILL lives with. I think she thought of me as her constant, in the sense that whenever she needed a release from that hell, she'd come to me. I'd go weeks on end without her seeing me. Then she would come over like nothing was wrong. Would never even reference how long it had been since we saw each other. So, yes, in my experience, I think I was relied upon as the constant. I truly feel she has found a new one for companionship/sex without taking the steps to move away from her current toxic environment

[Ragnar1982]

I apologize if this is a double post, but I don't think my last comment went through.

I think I was my ex's constant for sure. She lives with her ex and father of her kids. She has led me on for 15 months about that situation changing but it never does. I refuse to be in that situation anymore. I know she has been with him while having a relationship with me. What I think is that she has run off to find a new constant for companionship/sex now that I've put my foot down. I think her knowing I'd always be there and knowing I wouldn't do anything to make her home life difficult enabled her to keep treating me like a doormat. I'd go weeks without seeing her, but talking every day like things were ok. It was a nightmare, especially because I couldn't just go see her. Especially when I felt she needed me. What a joke. I feel like such an idiot