What to do next?

[Woods77]

I have split with my exBPD and its been 4 months and Im only just settling the final bills and as I said Ive got depression and had to move back in with parents (im nearly 40).

My exBPD does not reply to any emails asking if she is alright, she said we should stay friends but whilst I was depressed she sent an email asking if I was ok and I took about 4 weeks to reply, since then she has never replied and Im wondering why?

I feel like she blames me entirely for everything that happened and I feel like she has put it all behind her and Im now left without anything, ive lost my job, savings and dignity really. Ive nothing left but Im trying to rebuild my life by drawing first. Small things, my dad doesnt understand who Im living with.

I feel unwanted here at 'home' my dad wants me to get a job and move out as soon as possible, sometimes I feel like ending it all as I cant see how anything can get any better.

I dont underrstand why after we have broke up its me that has been destroyed and it seems like she is 'back to normal' she has a job and went back to it and its like she blamed me and now shes fine, no more BPD, she has a therapist.

How come she is ok and Im a complete wreck? I miss the good times we had a lot and all the attention and someone to talk to, it makes me upset to think about her.

Is there anything I can do other than therapy? I dont know why she isnt replying and I sent x3 emails over the time we split up, I said on the last one I wont email anymore. She didnt reply of course, so I dont know she seems fine and has also blocked all online accounts but I saw a profile picture and she seems happy.

I feel I had to let her go to get rid of her BPD but I feel like I will always love her and miss her a great deal. What can I do?

[Ragnar1982]

One thing that has helped me is coming to terms with being in love with someone who doesn't actually exist. I have also read articles that suggest who I really fell in love with was myself because of the BPD ability to be a chameleon and portray everything you want back to you. I've been doing therapy recently, and that has helped along with support from this board. You have friends here. It's hard for other people to understand who have not lived through something like this. Take your time and work through it, but realize that this has nothing to do with you, and more to do with the unfortunate fact that you got mixed up with the wrong person. Try responding on the boards when you have something to share. Even as I type this I am recognizing what I'm advising you to do, and it's therapeutic for me to feel as though I'm giving myself advice at the same time just by putting the words down. Thanks for sharing your story

[In a bad way]

To Woods77

I understand 100% how you feel, almost everything you said applies to me.
I'm sorry I can't advise you but at least you know you are not alone.

[Meili]

It is really hard on the non when these relationships end. Many of us here have reported that it is like trying to break an addiction to drugs. That is more true than many of us realize. Or bodies become accustom to the endorphins, dopamine, adrenaline, and other chemicals are produced as a result of the both the intense idealization and devaluation. We get addicted to them. When they are removed, our bodies respond as they would to the sudden cessation of any chemical that we are addicted to.

I realize that is all very clinical and is probably not all that comforting at the moment. But, like any other addiction, our bodies can be retrained to function without the source of the addiction. Even better than that, we can become even healthier after recovery than we were before our first "hit" of the drug.

You can help yourself recover by taking care of yourself. The very things that you are probably avoiding doing are the things that will help you recover sooner. I know it's hard, believe me, I do, but focusing on taking care yourself is the best thing that you can possibly do right now. I spent months not eating, exercising, or taking care of myself. I couldn't bring myself to pay my bills or clean. I hid from the world. I ignored my friends. I didn't do anything that would point me toward a brighter future. It all seemed so overwhelming.

I couldn't imagine life, and quite frankly didn't want to, without my nearly constant supply of neurochemicals and hormones. It all seemed pointless.

Then, my therapist convinced me to focus on doing one thing for myself. Something as simple as sweeping the bathroom floor. Nothing big. Nothing life altering.

But, it was! It was huge and ultimately was life altering although I didn't realize it at the time. I did one thing.   Now, I can do another.   And then another. It was movement. I started to take better care of myself. I started regain my appetite. I started to move more. I stopped hiding from the world on the Internet or in the TV. I developed new friendships, and I can tell you that Kirk, Spock, and McCoy didn't even care that I was abandoning them and their five year mission in favor of my being around flesh and blood humans.

Little by little things started to improve. Life didn't look so bleak and I could imagine a future for myself again. It took time. It was hard. But it happened.

So, what do you think that you can do for yourself? Where do you think that you can start? Even if it's something small, what can you do for you?

[ynwa]

Hey Woods,

I'm sorry you are dealing with a difficult situation. I also see you having trouble breaking out of the depression.  It may seem like a bunch of bricks about to fall on your head?  But what your dad said as dads do, in a different phrasing might be your first step?  It's maybe not that you are unwanted, but they want BETTER for you. 

You have to stand up. Depression will tell you to sit down.  Tell it to get stuffed.  Even if for just 10-20 minutes.  I've been there before, and it's not always easy. Are you taking steps to work on this? Medication? Therapy?  A good talk with a friend?

I know you have been through a lot.  And you asked is there anything you can do?

Make a list and reply back.  5 things you do that make YOU happy. Any five things that are what you want to do. 

My five? For today?

1. I volunteered at an animal shelter today.
2. I looked for and found some cooking ware.
3. I read a chapter of a book on co dependency.
4. Rode my bike to the store and bought some sauce, so I can make dinner. (In the new pots)
5. I watched an episode of a tv show, with my phone and iPad somewhere else.

I'm filling in blanks, my ex has left.  I'm doing things out of my comfort zone.
It's not easy, sometimes it's not fun.

You can do this Woods,  you really can.   Let me see your list of 5?

[Grey Kitty]

  Tough times. I wish you peace as you go through it.

How come she is ok and Im a complete wreck? I miss the good times we had a lot and all the attention and someone to talk to, it makes me upset to think about her.

Making comparisons like that is just a way to drive yourself nuts... .try to focus on something else instead when your mind goes there.

Focus on your own life, and get through your own feelings. (Lots of good ideas from  ynwa and Meili) You don't really know what she's going through

I feel like I will always love her and miss her a great deal. What can I do?

That's OK. I'm not so focused on my stbexwife quite so much these days, but I'm pretty sure I'll always love her too. And I'll miss our good times now and again as well.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Woods77, 

I'm really sorry that you are hurting so much. I can tell from the things you shared that it is tough for you to function right now. So many changes in your life at this moment in time, and a lot of uncertainty all around you. No wonder you are feeling so down!

I imagine you are walking through a lot of grief for all that you have lost. Grieving takes a lot of energy, more than we realize. It is a normal process and entirely okay that you are in the middle of grief. There have been some great ideas that Meili and ynwa posted for you to consider. In my own life when I am working at recovering, I try to do some green light activities, or in other words, those things that give me energy. Yellow light activities slow me down or don't give me any joy or energy. Red light activities stop or take away my energy. It isn't about draining yourself anymore, but it is very much about self care and finding some things that help you to regain some of the joy you used to have, all in healthy ways.

What types of things bring you joy? Just do one thing first and it will be a small goal to help you feel better and perhaps try another one after that. One step at a time.

 
Wools

[Woods77]

Thanks everyone for reading and offering kind advice.

I have only just moved out 1 month ago, so Im doing better than I was. I used to go to the park so now I go for a 7000 step walk around here into a green bit and sometimes I feed the ducks.

Along with the walk I do, (most days) I sometimes go in the car to a park further away but I dont go there much as dont like driving and seems a lot of effort.

Recently I did climb a local hill thing with my dad, it felt good, its a sort of mountain, 1000ft up, just walking up. A good achievement.

I also do a lot of drawing and I have a website of comical drawings/doodles and recently I was featured on an online shop where I sold some stickers, some phones cases and even a wall tapestry which made me very pleased, although my dad belittled it and said its not going to give me enough money. I havent sold anything since, its just cos it was featured.

I dont have any friends really, i have an internet friend for years and I have a few email only friends. I dont socialise and never have really, plus now I dont know anyone down here.

I dont know what else I can do, I guess when I look at it Ive been doing ok since I go out for walks. I didnt seem to get much joy from the hill walk but I guess I have.

Im not sure where to go from here, I guess Im on the right track then from what people have said? I need to eventually get a job and move out on my own but that seems very daunting to me now.

I have some money coming to live off for about 6 months or maybe a year, so I can maybe relax a little bit for the first time in 2.5 years. That might help? Im only just finishing the flats final bills now, whereas my ex has had 4-5 months and it was over. Its only just becoming fully over and moved for me.

I just hope time makes me feel better as I am doing a few things to help.

Thanks for everyones post, sorry if I didnt reply individually but I did read each and every one and appreciate the input and will think about it.

[ynwa]

I just hope time makes me feel better as I am doing a few things to help.

Hey woods,  I'm glad to hear you are starting to get some movement going.
I like the drawing thing, and getting your work out there.  Maybe start a cartoon, expressing your feelings? Start a big drawing piece of something you have always wanted to Draw? Maybe even push into a different style like black chalk.

But you hit it on the head, it will take time. Do a few things now, and add things everyday. Build a routine.  Things like driving to a new walking spot ARE worth the effort. 

I'd still like to see a list of 3-5 things you would like to do or try.
Maybe cook a meal from scratch?  Find a topic in history and research it.
Go to a museum and check out/find some ideas for drawing?

Have done any reading about BPD and/or depression? Working with your therapist to get you some coping skills.  I say this because the harder you work to move forward, the easier it will get.

[Meili]

Hey Woods, no need to apologize for not responding to all of us individually. That can get overwhelming really quickly... .we've all been there!

It's a drag that your father was not more supportive of you selling your stuff. Personally, I think that it's AWESOME! Sure, you don't have a million dollars worth of sales yet, but we all have to start somewhere.

ynwa gave you some good suggestions about how to plan to move forward. I too strongly encourage you to make a list of some things that you've always wanted to do, but haven't for whatever reason.