Update Since Then

[Leonis]

Life has been unexpected. I haven't logged onto the forums and posted anything for several weeks.

My last posts were about my uBPDex and I going into counseling. The end result was the counselor encouraging us having stricter boundaries, etc. The counselor also advised me about validating my ex's feelings, in particular if I believe she may have certain issues. The term "borderline" was never used, but I'm almost positive that's what the professional could be inferring.

Anyhow, 3 weeks ago, our child was born at 32 weeks. He is premature, but currently doing well in the NICU. It happened rather suddenly. We went from the usual ob/gyn visit on a Thursday to my ex being admitted for pre-eclampsia. Then, the doctors decided on c-section the following Monday.

During this time, I tried my best to be supportive by running errands and being by her side since she was in the process of moving and hadn't disclosed her hospital stay to her family. In fact, as of New Year's 2017, only 3 of her 6 siblings knew she was even pregnant. Her parents didn't even know.

It is also to my lament that I had the idiotic thought that we could work things out again because she was warm and affectionate. Of course, she was discharged from the hospital 3 days after delivery. This is also when I overheard her conversation with her dad about our status. Her father was curious what we would do from this point on. To which she responded that she couldn't wait until I go out of state for more school so she didn't have to deal with me face to face.

Talk about being tossed aside again! I guess I only mattered when no one else was there for her. Now that her family is showing some support, as well as some coworkers, it's easy to give me the "we need stricter boundaries" back at me.

Fast forward to now that the child's existence is known and some of her family members have seen him... .

I've started to file for joint custody of the child. Obviously, my uBPDex is annoyed by it. She claimed that she doesn't have time to get an attorney in such a short notice... .when she was somehow cleared to go back to work 2 weeks after c-section. She's saving the rest of her maternity leave on the grounds to care for our son when he is discharged from the NICU.

Just within the last 2 days, she claimed that she's got some health issues, particularly clot issues. She apparently went into the ER last night and went home close to 2am.

Guess what she claimed she has? Blood clot... .in her lungs! So, she's telling me that she has some sort of pulmonary embolism. Let's think about this for a moment: does she expect me to believe that? I've NEVER heard of anyone being discharge from the ER after having a PE. Either the medical team there is whack or she refused to stay for further treatment. More likely, she bs'd the whole thing as a delay tactic for the custody papers.

She even sent me a text this morning stating that she's in so much pain that I should take a moment to consider the luxury of breathing without pain. I simply ignored her.

Little does she know that the more nonsense she pulls like this without proof, the more ammo she will give me to end her share of the custody altogether.

It makes my blood boil that she even mentioned that today in front of the NICU nurse about how she had clots in her lungs. I don't know if the nurse realizes that's complete nonsense, but it just seems like she's putting up an act.

[Turkish]

First,  congratulations on the birth of your son  

Second,  have you retained an attorney to help you with this?

Maybe it's true she has other medical issues,  maybe it's not true.  These aren't your immediate concern,  though it's certainly hard to practice detaching tools given your baby is still in the NICU, as well as dealing with her, custody, and maybe reeling from hearing what you did after having hope it might work out.

My ex started leaving when our D was 1. A baby,  but not really.  She finally left the home when our  :) was a little over 1.5, and the custody order was finally signed after she turned 2. Dealing with a baby who may have special needs for a while is tougher.  I get that you are up to the challenge  

My ex may have fought joint custody if she were still an infant.  If you have a lawyer, what is his or her thought on how to navigate possible flack from the other side about this?

For me,  my ex didn't hire a lawyer (she didn't want to even file custody,  but "no way in hell" was my thinking). What I did to soothe her,  and this process took months,  both while she was living with me,  and afterwards,  was to reinforce that filing protected all of us,  especially our children.  At least in California,  parties don't need to go to court.  You can just file.  I served her by mail,  thereby not subjecting her to the humiliating experience of having a process server hand her the papers (my L also said that one of her family members could have done it,  but that was hardly less humiliating or triggering... .and remember one of the core emotions of a pwBPD is shame).

The breakup article by Joe Carver helped (a Leaving/Detaching) tool: I was bland,  boring,  emotionless... .and I would add,  Spock). However,  I also used the validation tools from the lessons on the Improving Board as needed,  because I was engaged in a negotiation.  I'll also add what my T said at the time,  "there's nothing wrong with being kind." All the while,  and this is still in my mind with D4 and S7. I have,  'what's best for the kids?"

 Keep your eye on The Prize, which is at the very least,  joint custody of your baby.  Whether you can co-parent, or end up having to parallel parent,  the gift is still your child.  Though it's tough now,  keep your eyes on The Prize.

Turkish

p.s. if you need baby care tips,  or just to tell stories, feel free to post here  

[Leonis]

First,  congratulations on the birth of your son  

Second,  have you retained an attorney to help you with this?

My ex may have fought joint custody if she were still an infant.  If you have a lawyer, what is his or her thought on how to navigate possible flack from the other side about this?

Keep your eye on The Prize, which is at the very least,  joint custody of your baby.  Whether you can co-parent, or end up having to parallel parent,  the gift is still your child.  Though it's tough now,  keep your eyes on The Prize.

Thanks for the response Turkish!

I did retain an attorney to help with this issue. In fact, the draft of the settlement was also given to my ex today. She says that she doesn't agree with joint-custody and wishes for full custody for the first year (I don't think you can switch custody at a whim) with me having visitation rights because she thinks that's what's best for our son.

She claims that she's having pain while breathing, so she won't be able to retain an attorney this week. How convenient! When we start talking about important issues, she has myriads of illness. Yes, she may have health problems, but there's no way it can be what she claims as embolism unless she refused treatment at the ER. It is an actual life-threatening condition. If anything, it sounds like the infant will not be safe with her if she's reckless with her health.

Anyhow, thanks for the heads up about baby caring tips. I'll be sure to swing by and post something from time to time.

Cheers!

[Leonis]

Update for today:

Today, I received a text from my ex about how she wants to change the child's last name to her own. I don't think she can legally do that without my consent since I've signed my name on the birth certificate, to which, my attorney agrees.

When I asked her why, she came up with the bs about how she doesn't want our son to carry the last name of a man who "might have" murdered his own wife and never gets to know his grandmother. Put it in perspective, that's a ridiculous accusation. Like wow, she thought I'd kill her? If her mother is anything she kept accusing, i.e. abusive, manipulative, so on, then she is the last person I want my son to get to know.

The whole conversation was about, again, how I apparently didn't honor her wish to break up, etc. while completely ignore her part in the confusing roller coaster ride of a relationship. It really bothered me when she said that it hurts her greatly that I never say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I didn't intend for you to feel that way". I've explained myself plenty. I didn't feel like validating her nonsense and called her out on blatantly forgetting when I did and her relentless emotional/verbal abuse throughout.

I sought out my attorney for advice, he said that she probably just got the papers that she's been served; therefore, she's spewing out vile comments. I was advised to not engage any further and separate drama from the law.

The good news here is that the NICU nurses told me that it's more than likely our son will be discharged in about a week's time. The bad news is, the chance of her taking him and disallowing me to see him is imminent until the legal stuff is sorted out.

I am so upset I don't know what else to think. I'm so sick of her victim mentality and her unwillingness to be accountable for her part in the entire affair. She only admitted her faults when in the presence of a counselor. Otherwise, it's always how I "manipulate" and "controlled" her decisions. Honestly, this is the woman who blames the pregnancy on the grounds that she just can't help herself when she's alone with me and she knows when we are together, and it's me who apparently didn't respect that. It never occurs to her that we both made mistakes and now we have to deal with the consequences.

[Turkish]

My ex wanted a different last name when I told her what my mother's father did to her.  I was clear that I took ownership of my surname (even being adopted) and that the past didn't matter to me. 

I found it hard enough when their mom left, D being 1 at the time,  but easier to take care of them a baby getting out of NICU.

I know you're pissed, but your lawyer's advice is good.  Don't engage,  or like we say around here "validate the valid,  invalidate the invalid." The name falls under the latter. 

You may have to parallel parent when you get your custody.  However,  even though you're angry at your child's mother,  learning the validation tools can help reduce conflict. This isn't to rescue her,  but rather to enable space for yourself to take care of your baby.  Focus on what's best for your kid in the long run.  Play the long game, even if the end goal is hard to see right now. 

[bravhart1]

What I don't understand is that why does mom "automatically" get to be the one to take the baby home and you get visitation? Since he's in the care of the hospital, and you are the established parent, or they wouldn't let you come see him, why is she the designated custody parent without question?

Have you spoken to your attorney about this?
 I believe that baby will need need both his mother and his father. why will his mother "have" him until a judge is made to understand why he should order his mother to "share" him with you. I think the whole way we view custody needs to be tipped on its head.

Go in with that attitude and I believe you are ahead of the game. Mom doesn't get to call all the shots, and what she wants doesn't matter, the ONLY thing that matters is what's is best for the child.
She didn't have that baby alone, and his father has just as many rights as she does.

 Fathers matter.

[Leonis]

What I don't understand is that why does mom "automatically" get to be the one to take the baby home and you get visitation? Since he's in the care of the hospital, and you are the established parent, or they wouldn't let you come see him, why is she the designated custody parent without question?

I don't think she legally has the auto-bid, but it's not illegal for her to take the child without me there. I'll talk more to the nurses to see if it's possible to arrange it so that we are both there when it's time for discharge.

Focus on what's best for your kid in the long run.  Play the long game, even if the end goal is hard to see right now. 

I know. That's what I'm gonna do now.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Leonis,

Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy.     I'm sorry that on top of dealing with the issues that come with a premature birth, you are also having trouble with your partner. That is a tough position to be in.

You've gotten some great advice from members and your lawyer.    Turkish'sadvice about communication skills is something I would like to underscore. It takes a lot of effort and isn't fair, but in the long run, it can help tremendously.

I hope you will keep us updated as time allows. As you know, you are not alone in this experience, and we're here to support you through it.

heartandwhole

[Leonis]

Good news and bad news.

Good news is, my son was discharged on the 5th this month. He was only about 5lb 10oz, but that's more than double his birth weight.

The bad news is, the baby was obviously discharged to the uBPDex.

I knew the baby was going to be discharge for a week as informed by the physician. I didn't know the exact date. I was told by the nurse the day before that my son would be going home the following day. She urged me to talk to the mother to work out the process. I debated about contacting my ex until she contacted me that Saturday night by letting me know that our son will be out of the NICU the next day. I texted her to find out the time, to which she gave no answer.

The day of discharge, I decided to be there at 8am just so I wouldn't miss the whole thing. I saw her car parked in the parking garage. So, I headed up to the NICU. The CNS greeted me and informed me that the baby may not be in the NICU because the mother stayed overnight at the guest room and that it was standard protocol to have one of the parents stay the night before discharge so they could monitor how the infant interact with the parent.

I was obviously not informed about it and I made that clear to her. I found out from a nurse that she had encouraged my ex to text me about our son being discharged since she knew that we weren't together.

I stayed with my son until almost noon when my ex came to pick him up. Her youngest two siblings came to help... .alone with her mother. Why was I surprised? Because my ex had always claim how her mom was abusive towards her and her siblings when they were young and that her mom would be the last person to ever be near the child. Then viola! There she is for the discharge.

The family didn't speak a word to me. I watched the baby go. It was a Sunday, so I had to wait for the next day to commune with my attorney. A temporary order was drafted soon after.

I was advised to ask my ex to see our son and keep her responses for the record.

Even more surprising, she told me that she's staying with her parents with a few months (the rest of her maternity leave, probably around 2 months). I was distrought, but I worked out an arragement to see my child 45 min away at her parents' city. She also failed to inform me of the baby's immunization appointment as well as she tried to use it as an excuse to dissuade me to see him.

I brought a close friend of mine due to the fact that I didn't feel safe going to her family's house by myself. I kept the visit brief and stayed for almost an hour. I do have an upcoming visit on Sunday as well. Given it is my 7 on work week, the schedule will be a bit tight.

I am simply not amused.

[livednlearned]

I'm really sorry that the birth of your beautiful child is tangled up in this mess

Document everything. Everything -- keep a calendar. What days you went to the hospital, how long, who you talked to, what he/she said, their names, what your ex did.

Even if the full documentation process is not used in court, it will do wonders to help you keep a hold on reality, and decrease the odds that her version of reality dominates.

Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse? Even if you aren't married, there are helpful tips in the book about custody. It's required reading for most of us here.

If her mom is BPD, there is a chance your ex is recruiting negative advocates. It's smart to go to their residence with a non-family member. If it's legal to record with one-party consent in your state, that might also be a good idea. Ask your L if he recommends doing that. The allegation that you "might have murdered" someone is a sign she may swing for the fences to get full custody.

Glad you found the site and are posting. You're not alone.

LnL

[Leonis]

Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse? Even if you aren't married, there are helpful tips in the book about custody. It's required reading for most of us here.

I'll definitely have to download it.