What did it mean for you to walk on eggshells?

[kc sunshine]

To me, one of the things was that I avoided topics or sometimes even lied about things (even just little things). Oh man, this was one of the things I feel the worst about my behavior in the relationship, one of the things that most doomed us, and one of the things that is hard to forgive myself for.

What did walking on eggshells look like for you?

[Ragnar1982]

I also found myself doing that. There were some things about me that bothered her, but were taken a bit overboard and exaggerated.  She saw me drunk a couple times and made an assumption and comparison to her ex that I was no different and a full blown alcoholic. I changed my behavior for her, but found I'd leave out details if I was having a few drinks with friends, or indulged more than she would appreciate. My motives for that were more to avoid an unnecessary argument that could possibly last days. Even then my gut was telling me that she was trying to control my behavior, maybe so I wouldn't drink too much and cheat or abandon her? I'm not entirely sure, but I didn't always fill her in if I was out with friends for a few. This is my big flaw in her eyes and the thing she parallels her lying and cheating to. Basically she uses this to try and justify what she's done, and fuels her "I know you are, but what am I?" Argument platforms.

I know we aren't all perfect on our sides of these relationships, and we should not make excuses for our own behavior, however, at the same time I think it's important not to allow unequal justification of wrong doings in the relationship. I.e. You lied about going for drinks, so I can lie about cheating. There should never be a scoreboard, but they seem pretty prominent in these types of relationships, at least in mine. My "drinking problem" was a main tool to gaslight as soon as I started asking questions or voicing concerns about our relationship, even if it had been months since the last time I over indulged.

[FallenOne]

Having to censor myself, my thoughts, and my feelings... Having to choose my words wisely to avoid an argument or a blowup situation... Sometimes I felt like I had to keep things to myself and just swallow it in order to keep the peace. That's what walking on eggshells means to me... She couldn't handle the truth, about anything... Especially not about herself.

[Duped 1]

Right there with you Matt. I couldn't talk about any interaction with my ex wife either or she would freak out. Then after a while when I quit mentioning my ex wife and she asked why I didn't complain about her and dislike her enough. I said I don't even bring her name up anymore because when I do I get attacked.

I started sharing less and less as time went on and shared way too much!

[FallenOne]

Here's a good example...

My ex was on Social Security Income the entire time we were together and used her mental health as a reason why she wasn't working... She said her doctors recommended that it wasn't beneficial for her to work right now...

Any time I tried talking to her about getting a job or how I don't like it when people live off the system, she blew up and raged or got sad and cried...

Even though this is how I felt about it, she couldn't accept my view or opinion on it... .I had to support her view regardless of how I felt about it in order to keep the peace.

[Ragnar1982]

Also agree with keeping my mouth shut to avoid an argument, avoiding certain topics, etc. one such instance was when she was telling me about her "friend" who just got caught having an affair. I voiced my opinion on how I didn't have sympathy for him and that you reap what you sew. I was called rude, etc, and put in my place. Sometimes I wonder if he was caught with her, that's why it was so important for her to discuss with him. Silliness

[bus boy]

I always had to think before I spoke. I'm a talker, I love talking and conversation but with xw I found my self choosing carefully before speaking for fear of saying the wrong thing. It could be anything but the biggest was my family, I was forbidden to talk about my family, if I did it was met with wrath.

[VeganButEatMyMea]

Having to censor myself, my thoughts, and my feelings... Having to choose my words wisely to avoid an argument or a blowup situation... Sometimes I felt like I had to keep things to myself and just swallow it in order to keep the peace. That's what walking on eggshells means to me... She couldn't handle the truth, about anything... Especially not about herself.

Instead of me writing the same exact thing as you I'll just quote you. 

In addition to yours the last 6 months or so I felt like I failed (in her eyes) at almost everything, and even if I succeeded it was deemed as "luck", or I didn't do it fast enough, or good enough, or whatever enough, and I was given no credit.  I felt with every passing month, more pressure to prove to her that I was not a failure.

[Soulcrushed4]

For me over time it became like an internal battle over standing up for myself and how much I could handle and what the consequences would be for not being willing to happily just ignore being lied to, cheated on, disrespected, stolen from etc. And this eventually spilled over into external interactions that fed the chaos.

I became hyper vigilant to words being used. I would replay conversations trying to determine what the loophole was in how he said things - realizing now he was speaking his "truth"/feeling in that fleeting moment. I constantly in an attempt to maintain my own sanity and security had to put on a "trust but verify" front but no matter how many times I would prove my gut was right it then just as quickly got turned around to me not being willing to see the changes he'd made or me living in the past. I agreed to so many things I did not want to do or think made sense or were directly opposed to what we had already discussed because I realized in the end he was just going to do what he would do anyway but some days the only way I could live with myself was stating my own truth or what I saw as the facts.

My only connection to feeling "normal" for being hurt or cautious or angry became reading message boards or articles online for people dealing with someone with an addiction, then with infidelity, then with compulsive lying and finally with BPD. I would read and save articles or links to confirm I wasn't going crazy. Although in a way I believe this was seen as a threat because it made me resist simply giving in to the logic that I was "at fault" for his binges or rages or affairs or "abusive" for reacting to years of gaslighting, being cheated on, stolen from etc. And yet no matter what I did or didn't do it was "wrong" or "not enough".

It was so dysfunctional. My anger was belittled, my tears were mocked.

I could usually hold it in for a day or a week but I realize I was feeding the cycle by intermittently reenforcing the acting out that I was hoping would disappear. non reaction became a "reason" for him to act out, covertly reacting either with more love or trying to establish boundaries or stand up for myself became just as much as a "reason" for his acting out.

Sex became a massive trigger and I would have to numb myself because I knew if I didn't just let myself be a hole to stick it in then he would cheat again and blame me. Sad thing was he would cheat anyway and then get upset that I was "rejecting" him if I tried to explain how I was feeling and why I needed to feel safer in the relationship for physical intimacy.

I would try to leave only to be drawn back in by my own misplaced feelings of fear obligation or guilt.

I didn't call the police when he broke into my home after I changed the locks or when he left a note with a cut up shirt on my kitchen island as a symbol of his broken heart.

I would say no to couples counselling since I felt it it wasn't a "communication" issue at play in the way he was trying to make out... .But inevitably find myself at a session every few counsellors he used. Only to kick myself for again going against what I felt.

I would try desperately to reframe my thoughts and feelings. I would try to give more positive attention. I would send information to try to communicate how I was feeling in the hopes that someone else's words wouldn't put him immediately on the defensive.


I would try to draft and redraft things to say to reply or express myself and it would usually miss the mark or because it took to long to properly reply  would set him off anyway.

I tried to create as much of a welcoming "family" life as possibly and also go out of my way to ensure new exciting activities were involved as if I could somehow become desirable enough or interesting enough to "compete" with the high he would get from drugs, other women or sneaking around.

I let my resentments fester for unmet needs and disappointments and would then unleash that when he would come at me for what I saw as a minor imperfection in light of all the stuff I was simply supposed to tolerate and cope with.

I continued a pregnancy despite knowing regardless of the empty promises and the lip service it would end up me raising our child alone. I tried to figure out how to keep the family together operating under the knowledge or threat that I would be raising our child alone or the one responsible for our child growing up in a divided home or my ex would disappear or kill himself or bankrupt me if I didn't just gladly accept my role as glorified child minder and hole to stick it in.

I feigned excitement over each new job or living arrangement (16 of each over the course of 4 years) or new counsellor that would be a  supposed "fresh start".

Looking back I feel ashamed that my own internal battle and uneducated attempts to keep sane, protect myself and my kids all while buying into the fantasy of soulmates or a happily ever after (one day/if only) contributed to the dysfunction.

I endured endless nights where he would bang on my door or ring the bell or call/text endlessly my cell or home phone. Unfortunately again intermittently reenforcing the behaviour when I would cave at various intervals out of exhaustion or fear of a neighbor calling the police or him running off to binge or attempt suicide.

I would leave my own home to avoid interacting or sit there silently while being called a ___ or a whore or a hypocrite or told I supposedly thought I was perfect.

I internalized the comments that it was truly all my own responsibility as I was the one choosing to stay, and that I was expecting too much (honesty,  Loyalty, faithfulness) so really I felt I had no right to complain but deep down I couldn't just accept being a doormat.

It became habit to just pay for almost everything. Although as the years passed I became more vocal about him pitching in if he was going to eat at my place all the time or him actually at least a few times a year treating me like I was a girlfriend or doing things for me like he would do for his randoms or fellow addicts.

I would try to bite my tongue for hours or days while the nasty comments and angry voicemails came in and he cycled through the lashing out, the guilt, the implied threats/innuendos, or the pleading. Foolishly caving at one point or another instead of just deleting and blocking.

I would try to follow his request to lean on him or set the bar where he said he would meet me as a partner only to be lashed out at for expecting too much as it takes "time" to change a lifetime of habits or patterns.

Things went from bad to worse if that's possibly each time I would attempt to uphold a boundary like not doing a budget that he would simply ignore again or refusing to be the one monitoring accountability software he wanted to install, or not wanting to discuss a list of things that would supposedly happen or not happen yet again as it would all be ignored anyway.

Each day became a constant flux of mental and emotional gymnastics attempting to earn a few moments peace or just to sit calmly with his arms around me instead of having another argument or being left to wonder what the price to pay would being such a failure at being enough to be the one worthy of honesty loyalty faithfulness etc.  

I said yes when I wanted to say no. I held my tongue when I didn't want to and engaged when I also knew it was better not to.

Total nightmare.

[Aesir]

I had to constantly watch what and how I said things. In several instances I did not mention things at all because of fear of a argument. Other times I would bite my tongue in a effort not to escalate a tense situation also. The final straw came in my relationship because I made a mistake and triggered her over something dumb.

[lovenature]

Oh man, this was one of the things I feel the worst about my behavior in the relationship, one of the things that most doomed us, and one of the things that is hard to forgive myself for.

Cut yourself some slack kc, don't forget you were dealing with a serious mental illness that was running it's course. Forgiving ourselves and our ex's is the way forward.

[Curiously1]

For me it was to be afraid to be myself at times when I knew that it could make or break our relationship. Always needing to compromise for her and supressing my own wants and needs to keep the relationship superficially going.

[hurting300]

See I didn't walk on eggshells. Mine was the quiet type. She lied A LOT and had MANY guy friends. It was me starting fights because she was incapable of telling me the truth and being there for me. I believe in her head she had to walk on eggshells. You guys are kinda lucky because your exes would say what they thought. Mine would literally never say anything and just stare. She broke up and didn't even tell me. Not one word. After 2 years she completely cut me off.

[earlyL]

See I didn't walk on eggshells. Mine was the quiet type. She lied A LOT and had MANY guy friends. It was me starting fights because she was incapable of telling me the truth and being there for me. I believe in her head she had to walk on eggshells. You guys are kinda lucky because your exes would say what they thought. Mine would literally never say anything and just stare. She broke up and didn't even tell me. Not one word. After 2 years she completely cut me off.

I was exactly the same as this, it was the quiet and staring. When I found the letter to tell me she cheated, she went out and text to say should she come home. I suggested she stayed away unless she was willing to talk. She said she couldn't talk, but came home anyway. I ended up crying and holding her hand telling her it would be ok. I comforted her. What the hell was I thinking. I think you are right, she thought she was walking on eggshells with me. I sometimes wish we had had the rages. Hours of silent treatment in restaurants, and cafes. God I don't miss that.

[In a bad way]

I had both, I walked on eggshells in case she exploded but I also had hours of silence both at home and out.
The silence usually ended with her accusing me of ignoring her all night when it was the other way round, I used to say I've been trying to talk to you all night but you ignored me.
She was adamant I'd ignored her and she had been trying to talk to me.

[NewStart]

For me it became an almost CONSTANT barrage of passive aggressive comments, silent treatments, foul looks etc. if I didn't comply with her attempts at control.  By the end (well and still now as we're going through divorce) I would pull up to the house after work and wondered what I was going to get, the nice hello or the BPD treatment.  The hardest part was that most of the time I never knew what it was exactly that I did so I was always having to over think before even asking the most simple question.

Here's a great example, I remember stopping myself and thinking how absolutely ridiculous it was that I was composing a text, then deleting it, recomposing it and deleting it over and over and all I was trying to do was ask to go for a mountain bike ride after work with a friend and here I was trying desperately to figuring out how I might word it in such a way that I wouldn't be in trouble... .and that was what my walking on eggs shells was like.

NS

[vortex of confusion]

For me, walking on eggshells was a lot of what others have said.

The one thing that stands out is that I stopped talking about myself and sharing. If I was telling a story about something, ex would interrupt and either tell my story for me or he would have to up the ante and tell a story of his own. It seemed like there was a verbal competition where he had to talk the most. Even now when I interact with him in text or email, he has to have the last word.

And, the other thing that stands out is that I could not have feelings or emotions. If I did, he would have to find a way to outdo me or dismiss me. God forbid I have a bad day and get a little grumpy. I am the type of person that tends to say, "Hey, I am feeling grumpy and need some space today." He is the type of person that sees that as an invitation to mess with me. I know I can be snarky at times, especially when I feel like I am backed in a corner. I felt like I was continually backed into a corner. Towards the end, my snark was through the roof because I was so sick and tired of NOT being able to safely say anything. If he was going to get upset and pissy, I might as well give him a good reason.

As I was reading other's stories about walking on eggshells, I found myself agreeing with those that said that it was the constant talking. And then I found myself agreeing with those that talked about being ignored. I had a little of both. When he wasn't immersed in his games or whatever was super important to him, he was up in my area wanting to talk incessantly. It was a case where I was being ignored or smothered. There was no in between. It was frustrating because part of walking on eggshells was knowing that if he decided to stop playing his game and wanted attention, then he was going to pester me until he got it. I could be in the middle of reading or typing something and he would come up and badger me like a little kid. He couldn't see me reading yet if I tried to interrupt him in the middle of something then he would get snappy with me. He still tries this with me even though he doesn't live here. I can be texting with my mother or a friend and he wants to know who I am texting or make comments about me being popular.

Oh man, the other part of walking on eggshells was being very careful about anything that I did when he was home. I never knew when he was lurking around the corner. One time, I was on the porch talking to my mother and I heard him get mad and yell something. Apparently, he heard a snippet of our conversation and it made him mad. Or, I would be talking to the kids in their room and he would come in and demand to know what we were talking about or butt in to the conversation. It felt like nowhere was safe when he was home. He would find a way to butt in to whatever I was doing. The worst part is that I never knew when he was going to ignore me and when he wasn't. He could spend hours on his game ignoring me and then get off and demand attention without regard to what I was doing. It is maddening because trying to describe what it is like to have the experience of him not shutting up or completely ignoring me is difficult at best.

[earlyL]

I got a lot of 'you're not looking at me' and yet if I looked at her while she was eating I was scowled at. I knew this went back to an eating disorder, but it got quite exhausting. Then the other strange behaviour I got was the constant asking me if it was ok - to turn the radio on, or to have a bath. I got quite frustrated at that, it made me feel like I was controlling her. I sometimes felt like I was too independent for her, that she needed someone that was more needy than me, but then the excuse for cheating was that she needed space. At least I know that no matter what I did this was always going to happen, it was just a question of time. I think back to all the fun times too though, I know it wasn't all bad. I do know why I loved her and what I thought the relationship was.

[ACObound]

It is so helpful to read other peoples responses to this question.  I have been reflecting as the divorce of a 36 year marriage is moving forward.  I  "somewhat"  fortunate compared to others as there was no physical violence, no alcohol or drug abuse, no infidelity, lying etc.,.  ALot of rage, circular arguments and devaluing and turning feelings into facts.  There are so many posts on this thread that I had similar feelings our outcomes.  As so many I only really learned of BPD in the last year.  So my therapist and I are working on the whole guilt thing on that.  Certainly identifying my co-dependency issues also,  My uBPDw I would label as very high functioning.

[

To me, one of the things was that I avoided topics or sometimes even lied about things (even just little things). Oh man, this was one of the things I feel the worst about my behavior in the relationship, one of the things that most doomed us, and one of the things that is hard to forgive myself for.

But most of all it comes back to kc's post that I am having the most difficulty with.  The lies, avoidance of topics... .this is where I really struggle with myself.  Bad enough not knowing about BPD and setting boundaries early, but the lies and the avoidance.  I hear, you... .I am really struggling to forgive myself for that.

[Roselee]

I was always able to tell how the day, night and/or weekend was going to be by the first word and tone of the day from him. Depending on if he huffed and puffed & angrily whipped himself out of bed cursing under his breath and got dressed in a pissed off mode, for no reason known to me other that what he may have dreamed about during the night. Then I knew, by that familiar sick feeling in my gut, that it was going to be a total eggshell walking day, night or however long, until he spilled his bile out on me of how terribly I would treat him, to finally bring me to tears. Then after calm settled, and remorse set in for him, not too far off, another set of more of the same accusations and blame (wash, rinse, repeat)

If the day didn't start out like this, and we were actually having a good day, I still found myself in constant "on guard mode". Had to beware if I could talk about something that happened during my day or work. If a friend was telling a story, had to be careful how I would react or comment. Basically everything became a trigger for an entire "eggshell walking" world for me.

[Hlinthewiking]

Basically came up to this:

1: Forbidden Topics
2: Think 5 times before you open your mouth
3: Think 3 times before you do anything
4: Think ALL the time if you AREN'T doing something she think's you are supposed to
5: You're mind is at ease? You are doing something wrong! Too late, she's already mad. Panic, apologize, humiliate yourself, then prove it to her she means something to you.
6: Think about other people's actions and words and since you can't control them, pick a side, do damage control, take responsibility.
7: How is she feeling right now? She's not well, you failed, pick up the slack.
8: She's hitting you, she must be in a lot of pain, look at what point you let it become, you need to try harder.

[Larmoyant]

What did walking on eggshells look like for you?

Being too scared to look around in case he dysregulated. The worst ‘walking on eggshells’ was going out for the evening. Whenever we went to a pub, or a restaurant, a concert, a play, all hell broke loose. He’d accuse me of looking at and wanting other men, position me in a corner of the room so I was looking at the wall, tell me he overheard men saying they couldn’t speak to me that night because I had my boyfriend with me, overhead men saying that I was looking at them, scream and shout that I was a sl*t. One time he punched a man for talking to me, threatened other men several times and once told me that men liked me only because I brushed against their ‘genitals’ when I walked past them. I could carry on with examples, but some of the memories are traumatic. I was constantly in fight, freeze, or flight mode. Who I can’t forgive is myself. Why didn’t I take better care of myself.

[vortex of confusion]

The worst ‘walking on eggshells’ was going out for the evening.

Going out was very difficult. If I was trying to pay for something and put my wallet up, he would be behind me rushing me. "Hurry up, there are people waiting." Going out with him was very anxiety inducing whether it was him getting upset at other drivers or being impatient with me and the kids.

[Roselee]

The worst ‘walking on eggshells’ was going out for the evening.
Who I can’t forgive is myself. Why didn’t I take better care of myself.

Also a high anxiety thought!  What should have been happy memories of us going out with friends... .somehow always turned bad.  However, he never turned angry towards other men for talking to me... .it was ALWAYS my fault! Even his own brother who got too drunk one night and while I was at the sink doing dishes, his brother was, unbeknownst to me, was dancing inappropriately behind me.  I got yelled at for that. And if looking for a seat at the bar, or watching a band play... .I was always checking someone out, and I might as well go home with them. Even if a car passed by, and I happened to look up, then I must know him and want them. My work Christmas party... .I was accused of having a secret code with a couple of my male co-workers to not approach. I remember the sick feeling I had hoping no one would approach me to give me Merry Christmas wishes.  Didn't matter the age either... .my girlfriends son (who is also my daughter's friend and her age) stopped to say hi while he saw me out at my mailbox... .so, I must have something going on with him too.

So Eggshells?
Yeah... .any kind of contact with ANY male figure... .actually it didn't have to be male either... .really anyone, when we were in a social gathering.

[Mr.R.Indignation]

I didn't really have any problems with egg shells at first. My whole demeanour revolves around being casual and cheeky. Previously I assumed her passive aggressiveness and occasional anger was just because she was sensitive and used to dealing with not-nice people, and if she saw me being chilled out about things her behaviour would adapt. It's easy to assume a loved one will feel reciprocally, and I found the moments when I was looking at her with a raised eyebrow at least a little funny and endearing, so why wouldn't she feel the same way?

Eventually that passive aggression turned into a shoulder so cold you could find penguins from the ice caps migrating to it, suitcases 'n' all. After that phase, she was like a neutron star collapsing in on itself, and I eventually came to realise that the moments of silence weren't cooling off periods for her. Presumably while it seems like a moment of zen or the cold shoulder, it's actually a state of trying to dam a flood of emotions that are a mix between love, fear and hate, until they eventually all come tumbling out together.

It turned out there was a lot she suddenly felt angry about, like minor things from conversations we'd had months ago, the fact I was still friendly with her when things were heated between us, then accusing me of arguing and not letting things go for trying to find some conflict resolution. After being strung up on a crucifix, the quiet just meant that I was about to hang while crows pecked at my temple.

That crucified feeling encapsulates my worst state of walking on eggshells - waiting for the rage to subside and trying to find a way to move on without provoking her. Then in the day to day it was just a lot of being perplexed and finding ways to navigate diplomatically. Most of the time there was a catch to every response.

Did anyone else find it problematic either agreeing/disagreeing when hearing complaints about family and friends?

Usually when somebody complains you just go with it and back them up, right? Maybe we'll also try to give some more understandable reason for behaviour  if it's someone they care about being a hump o' rump.

To my ex that meant I'd either be siding against her or I'd be siding with her which would provoke a reaction akin to 'oh so they're not good enough for you? Well maybe I'M not good enough for you! How dare you insult my close personal family/friend/stranger!' Couldn't brush her off either, because not acknowledging is ignoring, aka lighting the fuse on a stick of dynamite. Acknowledgement or conversation = Insulting, light acknowledgement = distant and negflectful, no acknowledgement = ignoring and neglectful. What are you supposed to do in that situation where every avenue contains an eggshell?