Xw charged with assault, RCMP want statement from me. How will this affect s10

[bus boy]

For several years xw has been harassing my sister and since xw met her bf the harassment has been escalating, giving the finger, stocking, verbal abuse, driving by my sisters house, xw bf has joined in on the frequent drive by's. Xw was pushing my sister harder and harder. On Saturday it exploded, xw was running her grocery cart into my sisters legs, she did her best to get out of the way and avoid the situation but xw would not let up, my nephew was quick to get it on video than xw turned her sites on my 11 year old nephew and assaulted him, all caught on phone video and store video. My sister has been keeping a running record of the harassment with the police. So xw has been charged with criminal harassment and assaulting a minor. What would be the best way to talk to s10 if he asks questions as to why his aunt called the police on his mommy. It has been a hard process to get s10 to be part of my family. Xw made it very clear to me s10 will not be a part of my family, she has used emotional abuse on s10 to keep him weary of my sister. My sister had no choice, the harassment was getting worse and more frequent.  Even Saturday evening a few hours after the actual assault xw was harassing my sister and her daughter at the hockey tournament and this was also caught on the arena video surveillance cameras. My niece was standing at the boards watching the game when xw's bf came to where my niece was and made a point to stand right beside her. My main concern at this point is s10 and the affect this will have on him. Xw will absolutely not give any rest ìn her quest too make sure s10 is not a part of my families life it has been hard on s10, everytime he gets close us xw tries to tip the apple cart.

[bus boy]

I've posted about the harassment my sister has faced from my Xw. Xw is relentless, she will twist this all around, even thought it's in store video and my sisters video. Xw is a very sinister person. 11 years ago, the first councillor I saw, told me this is going to get worse, end bad. I think it is going to get worse. Xw had her BF involved in this up to his eye brows. Xw always said there will be no r/s between s10 and my family. Xw will stop at nothing. She will not take a step back and say wow, I physically assaulted a child, she all ready has the next phase of her plan worked out in her head. How will my making a statement to the RCMP affect my r/s with s10? He is getting so close to me, he is getting reestablished with my family. 7 out of 10 years, s10 has been out of my families life, every time s10 lets him self get close something happens. How do I reassure s10 through all of this? His mother rules with fear and emotional abuse but she is the centre of his world, not through respect but he is still a bit to young to put the pieces together. She has an agenda and the affect it will have on s10 means nothing. S10 will be out of my family no matter the cost. if there is a time s10 needs me as a parent, it's now.

[david]

I would talk to an attorney to find out all the legal ramifications.
I assume you are not the one pressing charges which I think would be a plus for you and s10.
If it is someone else you need to be there for s10 and you don't need to defend yourself from xw allegations/accusations/etc.

[david]

I replied on your other post and then seen this one.
I think your sister needs to protect herself and xw needs to learn boundaries. How it plays out in the legal system is on your xw at this point. The fact that she continued to harass your sister after the initial event shows she hasn't experienced any real consequences. I would let the legal system have a go at it. I would also tell the truth to any questions the RCMP has.
My ex had no respect for my relationship with our boys until I got it in writing on the court order. Even then I had to use the order to enforce my time. Eventually, several years, things got better.
I have never been able to find a way to work things out with my ex on a consistent basis. I went to parallel parenting and that has worked the best so far.
I would listen to s10 if he raises any concerns. Answer his questions for his appropriate age. Usually at that age kids just want the answer to their question and not a detailed explanation. He may question you off and on for an extended period of time. I found that listening and validating gives them a sense of safety. The longer that happens the stronger the trust and the more open they will be.
Our boys learned years ago that giving their mom the "wrong" answer led to retribution. They learned to deflect and avoid ex's questions. That actually drove them closer to me because they knew they could trust me and I didn't react the same way.

[bus boy]

I listen to s10 and validate him, it has made us closer, he doesn't have to think about how he answers me or if he's going to give me the wrong answer. I will listen close to s10 and answer him with short simple answers.

[david]

We have two boys. They were 4 and 9 when ex ran away with them. She used some serious alienation tactics against me back then. I thought I was going to be marginalized. I found a therapist (after trying several others) that I clicked with. She helped me focus and see what ex was doing. I decided to focus on one thing at a time. The first thing was I wanted them to trust me. Our oldest was around 11 when I noticed the change. Our youngest is 13 now and only recently, the last year, he became more open. He was a little guarded before that. They are both very guarded with their mom. I found that the trust issue was really important for our boys and me. It was something their mom was unable to give. Yes, we had moments where they were angry,upset,etc but kids want a parent that is looking out for them.
Our youngest has pretty much asked a lot of the same questions as his older brother about his mom. I listen and am very careful to not put her down.
One of the hardest things I learned to do, parallel parent, was to let things go. Example, ex used to start something "major" with one of the boys and try to pull me in on it. At first, I came running and it always ended in disaster. I stopped reacting, it wasn't easy, and eventually she stopped doing it. I was afraid when I picked the boys up that they would be angry at me. Instead they just vented about their mom. I listened and validated. They never asked why I didn't come to their moms'. I believe they had seen what happened in the pasty and realized that didn't work.

[Turkish]

Your son doesn't know that you need to make a statement.  Neither does your ex (who will probably pass it on to S10).

[livednlearned]

S10 likely is (justifiably) afraid that what his mom did to your sister is something she will do to him. Most kids that age are concerned about their own safety first, and will do or say what they need to survive. Everything you say will be filtered through that fear.

I recently discovered how helpful it is to have big deal conversations with a therapist present. As attuned as I am to S15, it becomes really clear in these sessions when I am applying adult thinking to kid perceptions, sometimes totally missing the way S15 sees things.

Does S10 have a counselor? Or, is there a family specialist at school you could talk to and ask how to handle this?

[bus boy]

S10's mother has used emotional abuse to put fear in him of my family. Xw parked in front of my sisters house and asked if he visits there with daddy, s10 said yes. Xw told s10 to get out of the car and go live with his aunt, s10 was crying and begging her and she kept telling him to get out, s10 was saying " no mommy no I want to  e with you".

I talk to my T. She is very experienced in dealing with children.

[david]

My ex used to tell the boys that I was abusive. At first I didn't know what to do.
One day our youngest, he was about 5 at the time, said I was evil. He said it many times before. However, this time I stood up from my chair and stuck my arms out like Frankenstein. I started chasing him around the house and he loved it. From that point on he wanted me to be the evil daddy monster. The tone of him calling me evil was completely different from that point forward.
Another time I stopped at a Wawa to get a cup of coffee. They also complained that I was always punishing them. I bought the coffee and an Icee for them. They were in the car and not looking at me as I approached. Right then and there I decided to hide the Icee from them. I unlocked the door and put the Icee into the car. With a stern voice I said, "You boys better enjoy this Icee or you will be punished like you have never been punished before." They were both startled and it took them a few seconds to figure out what was going on. They both smiled and for the next year or two they would ask me to punish them when we drove by a Wawa.
Those kind of things happen and can't be planned but they work great to defuse some of the nastiness that my ex was dishing out.