Should i stay or shoud i go?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't know what to do. I was in long relationship with BPD and he wants me back.

[candies]

I don't know what to do. I was in long relationship with BPD and he wants me back.

[ynwa]

Hey Candies,   I want to welcome you to the board. There are many people here who can help you through this.  Have you read many of the articles here? Is there anything you want to learn about in particular?

Dealing with BPD in a loved one is confusing and can be difficult.  You can tell us your story or just ask questions.  We and I mean ALL of us have asked the question "I don't know what to do". 

 . ynwa

[Aussie0zborn]

Welcome Candles. This takes a lot of solid thinking on your part.

One thing I learned is that when you go back it actually gets worse because you have "proven" that you are capable of doing what a person with BPD fears most - and that is "abandonment". It's been said here a few times that you can "abandon" a child but not an adult - you "leave" an adult. I agree with this.

I'm sure there's a few good reasons why you left in the first place - don't forget why you left. Unfortunately guilt, love and other emotions get in the way of our clear thinking and this is where logic needs to prevail. This is a tough one and this decision needs to be well thought out. Sometimes we prefer the comfort of the devil we know rather than being alone and starting over again.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Hi.  You pose a tough question.  In fact, a great deal of this site is dedicated to the question you pose! 

I might suggest that if he left you, and now wants you back, you might be getting just another run-around.  If you left, you likely had reasons, which are likely still the same problems, and you'll find yourself back in the same situation if you return.

How long have you been apart?

Like it or not, we all have needs met in some part when we are in a relationship - even a bad one. The longer those needs go unmet, the more you want them met again.  So, unless you re-program your needs, decide what's healthy for you, or find another way to fill them (a healthy way) - you'll always return to the questions "Stay or Go?"

Everyone is unique, and we have to find our own answer, and reasons for the things we do. 

[infjEpic]

One thing I learned is that when you go back it actually gets worse because you have "proven" that you are capable of doing what a person with BPD fears most - and that is "abandonment". It's been said here a few times that you can "abandon" a child but not an adult - you "leave" an adult. I agree with this.

I'm sure there's a few good reasons why you left in the first place - don't forget why you left. Unfortunately guilt, love and other emotions get in the way of our clear thinking and this is where logic needs to prevail. This is a tough one and this decision needs to be well thought out. Sometimes we prefer the comfort of the devil we know rather than being alone and starting over again.

This answer is spot on.

Only thing I would add - is that contact with your BPD/BPDex - especially at this phase of the relationship - is what stimulates the growth of the Fear, Obligation, Guilt and Shame within you - which cloud our rational thought.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey candies, As infiEpic suggests, Beware of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which is how a pwBPD manipulates the Non.  Suggest you focus on yourself and your needs, not his.  What is the right path for YOU?

LuckyJim