Looking to connect with others in or contemplating leaving a likely BPD partner

[blowingbubbles]

Hey everyone... .

I've done a lot of recovery work (AA, ACA, Pia Mellody reading, 3 faces of victim, some CODA)... .still full of crap, but less so these days... .trust in the process, progress not perfection, perfectly imperfect... .  think I have a pretty good understanding of my inner child, boundaries, and what healthy looks like... .

somewhat recently made myself vulnerable, showed up and was present with what I can honestly say was integrity, loved without reservation... .probably the first time (after a lot of work) I could show up and be present... .a whirlwind love story, with a person I thought was the one... .

that said, once the the relationship evolved to something serious, where real intimacy was the natural course, the cut and run behavior started, hot and cold intensity, etc... .I was shocked, stunned... .

Definitely borderline traits, intimacy and abandonment issues... .I've done to much work to remain in an unhealthy relationship... .my inner child is going crazy... .  my love interest recognizes her intimacy issues, thinks borderline traits likely and says she is committed to doing the work... .

right now we are on a break... .she figuring out her action plan... .me reading Boomerang Love, Pia Mellody, going to CODA tomorrow... . 

relationship timeline is only about 3 months at this point... . 

I only see three possible outcomes:
1- leave now and walk through the pain
2- reconcile and try to journey with her without success, more BPD withdraw, inflicted pain
3- reconcile, she actually does the work of recovery in a sincere, honest way, and the the behaviors improve slowly over time

Right now I'm doing work to prepare myself for walking away or for good boundaries and self care if I decide to journey further with her... .

Just looking to connect with others who have walked the path... .

thanks

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome blowing bubbles. The decision to stay with someone with BPD is a very difficult decisions. YOu've invested lots of time, energy, and emotion into the relationship. There is fear in letting go and lots of frustration and resentment, but you started the relationship with this person for a reason, and sometimes you still see what it is that made you fall for them in the first place.

[ynwa]

** Welcome to the Board BlowingBubbles.

You have found a great place to share and work out your feelings about Deciding.
It's a lot to think about when dealing with BPD in a relationship.  And you are being realistic about your options.  It is a good sign that your SO is willing to attempt therapy.

No one should tell you to stay or go on this board.  You might see a lot of bad stories, but there are quite a few good ones. 

I also see you have some boundaries already in place and are very self aware. 

Is there anything in particular you'd like to ask or are unsure about?

YNWA.

[Faith_88]

Hi Blowingbubbles,

I'm having similar issues myself. It's amazing that you've identified these traits so early on in your relationship & attributed them as possibly BPD. Do you think this could be your experience in recovery work? I knew something was up - my boyfriend reacted weirdly to situations from the start, but it took me 8 years to identify possible BPD.

I would say you're in good position. You aren't years down the line yet, so you can hopefully think a little clearer than some of us/me. It certainly looks that way having seen how rationally you have been able to sum up your three thoughts on the future.

A thought - could you attribute a timeline to trying to make it work before walking away? It's so good that your SO is willing to try therapy, as Ynwa said!

I wish you the best of luck 

[blowingbubbles]

Thanks for the replies.  Update- yes she went to a couple of therapy sessions before the "cut and run" behavior happened again.  That behavior followed me stating my needs, a conversation in which I didn't walk on egg shells.  What I experienced was her assuming the victim role, projecting her thoughts on me, cognitive distortions and some eye opening statements.  She has had a pattern of being closed off, not volunteering anything about her feelings that drive here shocking behavior, then  after the dysregulation subsides, saying enough to make me think she is serious about doing the work to get healthy, then shutting down. 
I was basically asking her to share what she thought was going on with her and how she intended to work on it so I could feel safe.  I had asked that she share this a week prior after our third reconciliation in approx 3 weeks after "cut and run" behavior.  She never shared anything and I asked again.
She basically claimed she didn't know but finally said everytime she gets close to anybody she feels repulsed.  Then she called off the relationship yet again.  I asked if she was sure that that was her truth and she said yes, so that was it.  I didn't chase.
My truth- I've done enough work to know we are all perfectly imperfect.  I don't expect perfection from anyone.  Her behaviors and the sum of my experiences with her is that she is indeed borderline (she at one point said she may have borderline "traits".  There is a clear disconnect between how she says she loves me and her actual behaviors.  I have experienced being devalued and abandoned without empathy several times in less than a month.  I was willing to journey with her but only if she was actively working on her issues in an honest way.  Yes she went to therapy and was reading a couple of books I shared with her but she was closed off and I had no idea if she was being honest with herself and working on the issues (no shared insight about what she was reading, what she thought she needed to work on, nothing).  When I asked for her to share what she thought was going on, she ran again. 
I really think she is unwilling or incapable of doing the work at this time.  I idealize the potential but choose to see the reality of what is, right now.  I am powerless over her and when and if she ever decides to truly do honest work. 
I cannot bury my head in the sand and hope for the best.  Looking back on the experience, as long as I was present, catering to her needs supportive, professing my love and adoration, it was mostly good, though she ran anyway even when I was doing everything I could.  As soon as I asked her for anything, stated my needs, she definitely ran.  The effects of her behavior on my sanity and health are not worth it.  I would have tried to work through it with her if she was willing and could let me in, but she couldn't, she wasn't ready.  I hope she is at some point for her.  My truth, to borrow from "Boomerang Love", is that I'm not chasing and I'm walking away despite still loving her dearly as it is the only healthy choice for me I see, and because "I am the most valuable dog".
It is not easy, it is in fact significantly painful, but it is what I need to do.  I have learned before that I can survive my pain and I guess I'm getting another lesson in that subject

[blowingbubbles]

Additional info... .she has done therapy and meds in the past.  Not her first rodeo.  That said, her pattern was to share enough personal history that I believed she had insight in to her blind spots, then as time went on, to be very vague and closed off.  It was all very superficial.  She would not share anything spontaneously, only after a lie, shocking "cut and run" behavior, etc could anything be elicited.  She is extremely intelligent and insightful and I really can't describe her vague "I don't know what to do, I don't know" statements about her behavior when she is in victim role. 
What I made of it all is that she knows a lot more about her behaviors, patterns and feelings than she revealed and was choosing to hide them.  I really felt  she believed I would run if I saw the real her. 

[blowingbubbles]

Oh and something my sponsor shared with me that his therapist had told him in discussing trying to journey with borderlines who aren't doing honest recovery work (I will say again that we are all perfectly imperfect and that I would have stuck with her while she worked on her issues if she would have let me in, if she would have sat still, not run, etc)... .

I found it really helpful in describing the caretaking, rescuing, walking on egg shells we do, often in vein when our borderline is unwilling or incapable of doing the work at that moment in time... .

"we can't get small enough to make them feel safe"

[earlyL]

 
What I made of it all is that she knows a lot more about her behaviors, patterns and feelings than she revealed and was choosing to hide them.  I really felt  she believed I would run if I saw the real her. 

Thank you, your post is so inspiring, it sounds like we are in a similar position and I really have been asking myself about my exBPD knowing more about her behaviours than she revealed. Sometimes she says things which are so textbook it feels even more manipulative. You have totally done the right thing and I admire your strength, I also know how hard you are hurting as well. I have had friends say to me they think I am being so strong, which is great, but the days are so long and each hour brings so much confusion and pain. Hang in there, I do know it will get better.

Thanks for sharing.

[blowingbubbles]

You're welcome and thank you for the kind words and support!