Was anyone able to become friends with your ex in the end? What was your secret?

[kc sunshine]

I'm still thinking about/hoping for the possiblility of becoming friends with my ex and I'm wondering if you all have any success stories/advice. I know that I am still attached, so it is tough going now and I should stay limited contact until I have more detachment (though it has been 8 months already, 7 of which she's been living with someone else--c'mon heart!) Anything else?

[Ananass]

I went that route but it did not work. This was after my attempt to save the relationship without the knowledge I have now. It seems after accepting the fact that its over and there is nothing to salvage, any ideas of friendship or being cordial to each other led to silent treatments. Maybe accepting friendship is acknowledging the emotional bond does no longer exist and we are no longer suffering? just my thoughts

[joeramabeme]

Hi KC

No I am not "friends" in the sense that we hang out or have mutual social events.  We have been NC for over a year and I suppose that it will be that way forever.

I have given some thought to what it would look like if we were friends.  My conclusion is that to be a friend to my ex would require me to hide my feelings about her and us.  At least at this point, I am unable and unwilling to do this.  Even if I were willing to try doing it, what kind of a friendship would I have?  Probably one that is uncomfortable for me and would just keep re-surfacing the questions that continue to plague me anyway. 

When I have thought through the issues she must face internally, I wonder if my true unconditional friendship would be to simply reassure her that I am still present and feel no ill will towards her and wish the very best that she can have.  I know that isn't a traditional friendship, but then again, this wasn't a traditional relationship and I am not sure that she would want much more than that anyway.

When she left our marriage she told me that she loves me and sees me as a friend and then hung a magnet on the refrigerator that says "friends".  I am sure in her mind that is the way she sees me, even if the only way she can express her feelings of 15 years is to hang a magnet.

[Claycrusher]

I tried to maintain a friendship-type relationship with my BPD ex-wife of 17 years.

I caught her in the act of attempting to commit adultery with another married woman on December 21 of 2015.  I held off on filing for divorce from her until she completed her degree and landed a career-track position that she could fully support herself on.  I filed our uncontested / amicable, pro-se divorce cause on November 28, 2016.  Between December 21 of 2015 and December 1 of 2016, I continued to provide her support in terms of housing, clothing, food, and the medication she needs to keep her epilepsy and Lupis at bay.

Shortly after filing our divorce cause, she posted on social media that I had filed for divorce against her, got full custody of our children, got to keep my 4 X 4 Ranger pickup and '99 Mustang, my guitars, and my guns.  While all of that is true, I saw her post as a whole lie because of what she didn't say.  She didn't mention that her adulterous actions of December 21, 2015 precipitated the dissolution of our marriage.  She didn't mention that she had secretly wanted a divorce for nearly half of our married life together.  She didn't mention that one of the boundaries she agreed to going forward was to refrain from engaging in risky sexual behavior, but that she went off and did so on at least two occasions.  She didn't say that we did couple's therapy, that she was diagnosed as a repressed lesbian, and that the clinician we saw jointly agreed that we needed to divorce for the sake of my ex's mental health.  She didn't mention that I held off filing for divorce for eleven months, or that I had continued to support her and treat her amicably during that time.  She didn't say that she signed off on our Marital Settlement Agreement in front of a notary and agreed to the terms of that document at the time that she signed it. 

What I felt she did with that infamous social media posting was essentially throw me under a proverbial bus in order to illicit sympathy from others at my expense.  She seeks to illicit sympathy for one reason: she uses other people's emotions as a manipulative tool for her own sole individual gain.

That was the straw that broke this camel's back as far as any desire to have any kind of ongoing relationship with my ex is concerned.  Any amicable feelings I ever had toward her vanished pretty much instantly, along with any feelings of sexual attraction I had for her, and they took concern over her ongoing health and welfare right along with them.  I have no more compassion for her than I do for total strangers.

I did try to maintain amicable, friendly relations with my ex.  I think I went way out of my way in the attempt, too.  I thought it would be better for her, but mostly better for our children.  I had a vested interest in having the best relationship with her that was possible, or so I once thought.

In the end, though, she's still the same old manipulative, pathological lying, un-empathetic girl with a lack of impulse control that she had been throughout our married life.

I don't want to be friends with a manipulative liar with little remorse for her ___ty behavior toward me and our children.  I harbor no guilt or shame for that, either.  Nor do I harbor any guilt over knowing how difficult her life is at present, without me mitigating the repercussions of her lack of impulse control.  She is simply too toxic to be around any more than necessary.  The only relationship I want with her is strictly business-like in nature, and I only want that because, although I have custody of our children, she does have visitation rights.  Had I not spawned with her, I would be insisting on a strict no-contact policy, backed with restraining / protective orders from a court of competent jurisdiction.

I tried to play nice and be friends; she has made doing that impossible.  Her problem, not mine... .

[vortex of confusion]

Since I have 4 kids with ex, I want to follow this thread to see if there are any tips that might be helpful.

Right now, I have days where I can be friendly with him. Most days, being around him or talking to him give me anxiety. I don't understand how he can be so casual given our 20 years and kids together. I will never understand any of it. When I am around him or get messages from him, I just want to scream at him and remind him of all of the horrible things that he has done.

[Confused108]

I tried as teens to remain friends with my ex. She would love telling me who she was sleeping with fooling around with etc. Then out of the clear blue painted me black for 26 years until she found me in FB . After her 2 no discard of me she againwanted to remain friends but I wasn't going to sit back after she suckered me into loving her again just to hear who she is sleeping with etc. . A month later she blocked me on FB. I will never be friends with her even if she were to come back .

[Conundrum]

Hi KC, definitive endings with a pwBPD may be ambiguous. I have remained friends with my pwBPD throughout the majority of the 12-years that we have been interconnected.

There is no secret. It is a disciplined choice based upon the following:
 
1) I like myself--and am happy with or without my pwBPD.

2) Being mindful, one must expressly master the art of balancing/prioritizing emotion in order to transcend suffering.

Generally, indulging unfettered emotion without discipline to the degree that we lose contextual perspective concerning our relationship with a pwBPD--results in great suffering.

That style of behavior/attaching often falls under the umbrella of emotional immaturity/codependence. One cannot successfully be a codependent friend to a pwBPD. But that is a topic for another thread.

See, no secrets.   

[Fie]

Hello kc sunshine 

It's a good question. My personal answer is 'no way'. The first year I still had a soft spot for him. I did not want to risk my sanity and be sucked in again. Secondly, I don't even like this person. He has taken advantage of me big time (with my consent, I agree, that's another story) and he has absolutely nothing  to offer me. For me the definition of a friend is someone who wants the best for me. That's not him. He wants the best for him. He couldn't care less for me. If I am not mistaken that's a tendency in a lot of BPD.

I guess the real question here is *why* would you want to stay/become friends ? What would be so exceptional about having a friendship with this woman ? What could she offer you ? A listening ear when times are rough ? Does she want you to be happy ? Does she support you when you struggle with something ?
Or is she just 'fun to be with' ? For me, I think a lot of people can be fun to be with. That does not necessarily mean I want to be friends with them.

What do you think ?

[foggydew]

KC, I am trying very hard to be friends with my 'person', but it is really uphill work. I really mean friends, because I miss his humour and bright ideas, and can't find many other friends I get on so well with. I don't feel involved with him in any other way... more like family. But it seems he can't deal with it well. I get the silent treatment more or less, apart from very functional messages. He's also on a no alcohol programme and coming out soon, so that might be a factor- but what I feel is that he fears emotional involvement of any kind, emotions of any kind. That he has them I have seen in his face - then he closes down. And it is not just me... his mother and brothers too. It seems that where there is affection there must be protective distance. Surely they are not all the same, as we are not, but if we non-disordered find it difficult, how much more difficult must it be from someone with a disorder?
He gets on best with people he can despise or manipulate. Obviously they are not a threat... .until the attachment comes... .
Poor souls. Poor us. And yet... sometimes I think we have enjoyed things that other people haven't. Comes at a price... .and I don't know if friendship is part of that price. Hope it's not.

[earlyL]

This is a great question. I am at the early stages of having to work with my exBPD so I am trying to find a way that we can be friends, but I don't know if it is possible right now. I know very much she wants to be friends, and is desperate for me to validate her (she cheated) but I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to treat her as a friend.

LW

[Portent]

I've given up in the present. I tried for a solid month to be nice but I just kept being painted black.

[bus boy]

Save your good energy for yourself, find new friends and share it with them.

[FSTL]

This is a great question. I am at the early stages of having to work with my exBPD so I am trying to find a way that we can be friends, but I don't know if it is possible right now. I know very much she wants to be friends, and is desperate for me to validate her (she cheated) but I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to treat her as a friend.

LW

During one of our many breakups... .mine cheated on me, I told her we were over, then she begged to talk, I let her come over to mine, we slept together, then (when I guess she had the power) the next day ... .she dumped me! She got to do the abandoning and was in control from then on.

I would be wary of her pleas for "friendship" as it is could more about maintaining an attachment so you're available to her or she can dump you and do the abandoning.

I work with my uBPDx - I have just set my mind on moving on, but staying cordial. I won't be sharing anything personal with her and will resist the urge to rescue her from her issues. I am expect she will want to maintain contact... .which we can't avoid, but in my mind I will be treating it as nothing and grind on.

[earlyL]

I would be wary of her pleas for "friendship" as it is could more about maintaining an attachment so you're available to her or she can dump you and do the abandoning.

Thank you FSTL, I agree, this is what worries me the most. I agree, I am trying to keep things all professional and not getting into any type of personal conversation. My aim is to separate her in my mind as a different person to who I was with to get through it. It is going to be a long six more weeks, but then I have some breathing space.

LW

[Rayban]

How many of you have heard the phrase he/she is JUST A FRIEND ... .exes she was spending time with ... .just friends  ... .random men liking her Facebook pictures  ... .just friends ... .female coworker she dissapeared with for 6 hours ... .just friends.  I think the offer of friendship is an invitation to become an orbiter.  Someone to be used when a need arises. If anyone believes that they've become immune to the BPD roller coaster is in for a rude awaking. 

[infjEpic]

Friendship requires mutual
i) trust,
ii) caring
iii) respect

If one had those - then why leave the relationship?
If one didn't have those - then why is one attempting to be friends with someone who is not capable of giving them? That's a paradox

i.e. that is not friendship - that's caretaking.

[pgri8684]

I'm always surprised to see how similar our exes act and it's very helpful to foresee what's going on. I cannot imagine my feelings without the lessons I've learned here.

After 6 months of nearly no contact/silent traitement I got 3 lengthy texts about her bad psych health and her bad working conditions. Of course she has something to ask, to write an administrative letter for her, because "writing is so easy for me and so difficult for her".
The day after I got an email with the same stuff + she asks me which internet provider I would recommend for her.

Let me add she lives with someone ("my" replacement): so why asking me ! this is completely unfair to him. I wonder now if she did the same with the one I replaced... .

As Rayban said  "the offer of friendship is an invitation to become an orbiter.  Someone to be used when a need arises. "

I have to keep cool.

[AustenJ]

One will have to invest the the same amount of work into maintaining a friend relationship as one did when there was romantic involvement... .why work that hard for the same uncaring result? What's the point? I tried briefly to be friends with my ex whom I teach with every day; but, all she talked about was her drinking and having reckless sex with guys. I couldn't stand being friends with her as the reason she gave for breaking up was that she needed to get healthy and into treatment. Another lie, of course, as she is totally out of control. Being friends sounded really appealing because her emotions were more in check at work with a set structure to her day and we really had a blast working together... .her behavior at work is what made me fall in love with her in the first place, so being friends will only suck me back into her toxic vortex. In the first week of us being "friends" she tried to have sex with me in the equipment closet... .now that i'm on the outside looking in I can see her clearer now... .she sexually flirts with other male staff and even dads of students... .it's heartbreaking... .but in my opinion it is impossible to just be friends, because pwBPD will always try to recycle you... .and why risk the very real possibility of STDs and emotional instability?

[Soulcrushed4]

To me friendship includes  affection, sympathy, empathy, honesty, mutual understanding, and compassion, enjoyment of each other's company, trust, and the ability to be oneself, express one's feelings, and make mistakes without fear of judgment from the friend.

These things at no time seemed to be mutually possible as my ex is not actively treating his disorder. Any attempt to remain friends would be setting myself up for more pain and toxic treatment.

[Rayban]

I was thinking about this question today trying to imagine what a friendship with a BPDEX would look like. I'm just going to post in point form, my experience  with the failed attempt at friendship with my ex.

* Her request came aftet devaluation. Looking back,  she seemed gitty. Like she was idolizing someone. 
* I had called her out on her behaviour, but yet I came coming back thinking I could handle her disorder.
* She took the opportunity to minimize what are relationship was.  It's like I had become another one of her"friends" that she continually brought up. Mostly exes and how they did her wrong.
*She brought up the question of me not being committed when I accepted her friendship. After that she openly admitted to seeing other people.
* Through out our relationship, she would bring up how she would hang around with a guy who was her exes dealer.
* She would stay that he would come on to her while they played video games at her house.
*She later showed me her phone and that she didn't pick up her Saturday night call as she was with me.
* After I continued going back accepting multiple recycles with the lure of mind blowing sex, she blurted that her exes dealer, wrote her a 20 page letter about the feelings he had for through out the 4 years she has know him.
*Later boasted how he has put his life on hold for 4 years with the hope that she will decide to finally  be with him.
* She gave plenty of victim stories and how she could always count on them.
*It's the final attempt to avoid abandonment.  Accept being friends despite all logical reasons not to remain in contact with somone who just brings toxic experiences.

[Sluggo]

Conudrum, 

Generally, indulging unfettered emotion without discipline to the degree that we lose contextual perspective concerning our relationship with a pwBPD--results in great suffering

Can you expound i dont really understand what that means.  Thanks

[Shedd]

Hey there,

We were friends first before she decided she couldn't handle being friends with an ex. The problem was I think that I kept trying to win her back, and whenever she would be talking to someone new I was thinking that they were dating or sleeping together. I think that's what ultimately ruined it.

What got her to be friends with me is that she knew i was like the only one that ever cared for her so much.  I actually got her to open up to me about some things. Not everything, but I know a lot about her mentality.  I think the fact that I knew what she was going threw helped me prolong her friendship, but in the end since I was acting out of jealousy she just couldn't deal with that. 

I've been playing cool.  Trying to lay low lately.  Act like I don't care.  She seems to be coming around me more often at work and I'm hoping to regain our friendship. I'll let you know if it works.

[kc sunshine]

Oh man, not many success stories, no?

My therapist doesn't think it is a good idea either. She thinks that anyone very close (family, partners, therapists and perhaps bosses) will be subject to the idealization/devaluation cycle and that it would be harmful especially if one tends to be open to seeing oneself through another person's eyes (which is in general a good thing to do).

[Anez]

I work with my ex and we rarely talk. An occasional hello if we bump into each other, which might happen once a month.

I have no desire to be friends with her. Don't know how that's even possible. I'm friends with my ex-wife because she's an adult and knows how to handle stuff. People with BPD don't know how to handle anything.

I'd suggest not trying to be friends with them. It can't lead to anything good for you, and you is all that matters here.

[Curiously1]

Not real friendship but we are in good terms last time we spoke. Expected her to ignore me but she didn't. Just told her I still care about her. She with someone new again but told me she still has happy memories of our r/s. There is nothing good she can offer me and of course will only speak to me if she needs anything. Last time we spoke kind of reminded me why Im not happy when im with her and how mean she is to other people. Just isnt someone I can fully trust and can be a true friend. I have a feeling shes nice because I'm a backup but maybe im just painted white and just one of her good attachments. I cut her off recently. Just unfriended online. She no longer lives in my town too. It just felt right to put the past behind me.

[statsattack]

Mine couldn't handle being friends or an adult and abondened me when I gave her signs of abandonment

Problem is they aren't held accountable and doubt they are in dbt when with us which makes a huge difference

[hope2727]

HI I have a couple of thoughts.

1) I don't want a friend who acts the way he does toward me or toward other people.

2) I don't want a friend who's actions I don't respect (cheating, lying, partying, smearing etc).

3) I don't want to be friends with someone I still have romantic feelings for as I don't want that painful wound reopened regularly.

4) I don't want to be friends with someone who has residual romantic feelings for me as I don't want to further reopen their wounds.

5) i want to surround myself with friends who bring out the best in me not the worst and although that is on me he definitely brought out the worst in me.

6) As much as I love him I don't really like him (or his social circle) so if it wasn't for the aching heart and the loss of the dream there really isn't much to lose.

7) I expect my friends  to treat me as well as I treat them and if they don't I don't want them around. The end.

[Technique]

No chance. If you break my trust you are gone, for good.

[eprogeny]

Yes, I've managed to keep a pretty decent friendliness with my BPDexgf.  There isn't a "secret" to this other than keeping perspective.  My feelings for her have changed over time, and I regularly remind myself that while we are on friendly - and healthier - terms, she remains someone with whom I must keep strict boundaries.  Those boundaries involve placing all of our interactions through the "don't forget she has BPD filter", if that makes sense.

As with any friendship it requires work. I wouldn't recommend attempting it until you are no longer hostage to your romantic feelings for your BPDex, though.  Doing otherwise will only result in more harm.

[lovenature]

I know that I am still attached, so it is tough going now and I should stay limited contact until I have more detachment (though it has been 8 months already, 7 of which she's been living with someone else--c'mon heart!) Anything else?

I would recommend total NC kc, she is with someone else who will experience the mental illness and pain, once you are out long enough you will see clearly enough to realize that "friendship" with a PWBPD isn't based on what is best for your needs; a good friendship is based on trust, respect, honesty, empathy.
Look out for you.