Feeling stuck with thd jeckyll and hyde

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, I'm new to the site. Its taken nearly 4 years to finally realise that my partner has more than just a diagnosed and medicated bipolar disorder ( her psych calls it a 'mood disorder' which makes me suspect that the psych recognises but won't label the other personality issues). All I've ever experienced feels a lot more like BPD and my own therapist now talks about my partners dual diagnosis.

  It's been such a painful and bumpy ride and I am torn between wanting to stay with a person I love and to run from the hills from her alter ego, who I can truly say that I hate after years of blame and negativity and an inability to want to talk things through rationally. I see this named on the site as 'Jeckyl and Hyde' behaviour.

What scares me the most is that I've gone from being a victim, always crying and stressed and feeling confused and trapped (with her frequent bouts of negativity, blame, control and angry abandonment reactions )  to having fast and furious reactivity to the smallest triggers or a hint of a change in my partners behaviour from happy to annoyed and blaming or childlike regression. When she gets over that after a few days, she's again lovely and generous and kind. She's intelligent and creative and amazing.

I completely lose it now when my partner says something negative. When I respond , even if its just trying to talk about it in a  rational way, she looks blankly at me, walks away or turns to her smart phone or goes to read in bed. It's like a red rag to a bull. She hates it and feels attacked even by nothing more than my wanting to talk about the relationship.  I hate it and feel dismissed. She's taken to telling me that I like drama as I can't stop pushing her for some sort of reaction back. I think that's a bit rich considering the extreme behaviours she's exhibited. Sometimes I've thought that maybe I also have BPD as my reactions are so heightened and distressed but my psychiatrist consistently tells me that I don't.  (I decided to get a psych therapist to help me understand bipolar more but of course it's all about me on the couch! ).

I've asked her to move out and already I'm waivering and she knows it. She just ignores my request as if I've never said it 5 times or as if I don't mean it. .  I'd already tried to move out last year and got so far as house hunting but there was always something that got in the way of my leaving and it was always a crisis. Her 50th, her new job, her sisters illness, her brother in laws death.  I felt guilty, worried for her, responsible, scared that my life would be meaningless without her and that I'd be lonely (when quote frankly I was quite content being single before so its odd that I feel like that). I feel trapped. I feel shocked at my reactive and destructive counter behaviour . Ive felt like I was going crazy before

 Some days I just love her company and we laugh and I have hope. Other days I despise her behaviour and even her and I feel hopeless. It's so confusing and my friends have mostly had enough of the ups and downs. They've set boundaries on us as a couple and I only see them alone.

I would love to hear back with any thoughts about managing the stuckness.

[Jane9]

Hi, I'm new to the site. Its taken nearly 4 years to finally realise that my partner has more than just a diagnosed and medicated bipolar disorder ( her psych calls it a 'mood disorder' which makes me suspect that the psych recognises but won't label the other personality issues). All I've ever experienced feels a lot more like BPD and my own therapist now talks about my partners dual diagnosis.

  It's been such a painful and bumpy ride and I am torn between wanting to stay with a person I love and to run from the hills from her alter ego, who I can truly say that I hate after years of blame and negativity and an inability to want to talk things through rationally. I see this named on the site as 'Jeckyl and Hyde' behaviour.

What scares me the most is that I've gone from being a victim, always crying and stressed and feeling confused and trapped (with her frequent bouts of negativity, blame, control and angry abandonment reactions )  to having fast and furious reactivity to the smallest triggers or a hint of a change in my partners behaviour from happy to annoyed and blaming or childlike regression. When she gets over that after a few days, she's again lovely and generous and kind. She's intelligent and creative and amazing.

I completely lose it now when my partner says something negative. When I respond , even if its just trying to talk about it in a  rational way, she looks blankly at me, walks away or turns to her smart phone or goes to read in bed. It's like a red rag to a bull. She hates it and feels attacked even by nothing more than my wanting to talk about the relationship.  I hate it and feel dismissed. She's taken to telling me that I like drama as I can't stop pushing her for some sort of reaction back. I think that's a bit rich considering the extreme behaviours she's exhibited. Sometimes I've thought that maybe I also have BPD as my reactions are so heightened and distressed but my psychiatrist consistently tells me that I don't.  (I decided to get a psych therapist to help me understand bipolar more but of course it's all about me on the couch! ).

I've asked her to move out and already I'm waivering and she knows it. She just ignores my request as if I've never said it 5 times or as if I don't mean it. .  I'd already tried to move out last year and got so far as house hunting but there was always something that got in the way of my leaving and it was always a crisis. Her 50th, her new job, her sisters illness, her brother in laws death.  I felt guilty, worried for her, responsible, scared that my life would be meaningless without her and that I'd be lonely (when quote frankly I was quite content being single before so its odd that I feel like that). I feel trapped. I feel shocked at my reactive and destructive counter behaviour . Ive felt like I was going crazy before

 Some days I just love her company and we laugh and I have hope. Other days I despise her behaviour and even her and I feel hopeless. It's so confusing and my friends have mostly had enough of the ups and downs. They've set boundaries on us as a couple and I only see them alone.

I would love to hear back with any thoughts about managing the stuckness.

[ArleighBurke]

I can hear your confusion. I guess the first question is: what do you want in the relationship?

I'd already tried to move out last year and got so far as house hunting but there was always something that got in the way of my leaving and it was always a crisis. Her 50th, her new job, her sisters illness, her brother in laws death.

... .so HER crisis got in the way of YOU leaving? No. I think YOU chose to stay because you wanted to "help her" or "fix it" or some other reason. This is common behaviour for the spouse of a BPD.

I feel trapped.

Yes. A BPDs main tactic is emotional manipulation. And if you are exploding whenever something happens then you really FEEL trapped. But you are NOT trapped. YOU have the ability to make choices for YOU. When you do something, i am sure that she will react badly in some way - that is her trying to manipulate you. So be strong, decide what you want and be SELFISH. Don't let her "stop you" from it (because really SHE is not stopping you - she is manipulating you so that YOU decide not to).

[Jane9]

Thinking so much arleigh Burke for responding. Hard hitting but true!

[Lucky Jim]

Some days I just love her company and we laugh and I have hope. Other days I despise her behaviour and even her and I feel hopeless. It's so confusing and my friends have mostly had enough of the ups and downs.

Hey Jane9, The ups and downs, I'm afraid, are part and parcel of a BPD r/s.  It's a roller coaster, as you note.  In a 16-year marriage to my BPDxW, I hoped and thought we would reach a plateau of relative stability in our marriage.  That proved to be a mirage, because BPD doesn't just go away.  Suggest you make efforts to keep in contact with your friends, because without them you can lose all perspective.  If you are unsure what to do, I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

[Jane9]

Thanks lucky Jim. My friends have been great since I recently moved out to get some head space. They tell me more clearly now their concerns about what they've seen as abusive behavior and a toxic dynamic. Yet somehow it's still hard to leave fully... .