Custody issues with a new born

[TreMS]

Hello ,

In a relationship with a woman , who just had our baby . It was a very long relationship and her past is drugs , mental illness including suicide attempts . All the criteria fits very well over the past 15 years of a very on and off relationship as it was the classic cycle of fights , and her destructive lifestyle , me forgiving her and around and around .

Child was 2 months old ( saw him daily as we do not live together and I'm married with 4 teenagers and am not going to leave my wife , or the reverse .

I want to get full custody of my son as after 2 months , she fell into her verbal abuse and it escalated and I just left .

For the next 2 months , until today - she has moved from her house to her mom and dads . I went there to see my son , and the father of  this woman said I will have to go through the courts .

My questions are how do the courts look at situations like this ?

Do I have a chance at full custody as obviously , I have no intention of doing this for the next X amount of years .

[joeramabeme]

TreMS

Weclome to BPD Family, sorry to hear what you are going through.

Unfortunately, I do not have any experience to share with you but wanted to at least post response welcoming you.

I am sure others will be able to provide some feedback.

JRB

[TreMS]

Thank you ,

I am really more interested in reading folks stories first ,  gaining some understanding from this great and very informative spot  !hank you for the kind greeting ,

[soundofmusicgirl]

TreMS - if you get custody, who will raise the child?
Is your wife willing to take in the child that you have had with a relationship outside of your marriage? How would your children from your current marriage feel about that?

I am sorry you are in such a position, but I would think long and hard about the impact this would have on your 4 teenagers and your wife. Is there maybe a family member (you mentioned she moved in with her paretns) who can take care of the child if the mother of this child goes off the deep end?

[ForeverDad]

If you do seek legal recognition as parent then be prepared to have a DNA test done.  I'm not saying she did go outside the relationship, but she might have, just as you did, and you have to confirm one way or the other.  Just make sure you use the same laboratories that the court recognizes or accepts, you don't want to have to do it twice if the results are contested.

Is she seeking any sort of support for herself, or child support?  Technically, courts separate child support from parenting time.  If you are ordered to pay child support and she or her family blocks you from parental contact, then that is not basis to stop paying.  What you do is turn to the court to order a parenting time schedule that includes alternate holidays, appropriate events and activities and even 2 to 3 weeks of vacation each year.

A father's schedule for a baby will likely be quite limited.  Don't let her claim "I have to breastfeed my baby" as an excuse to deny access.  Mothers for decades have pumped while working or away from their children, she is not the exception.  Also, don't let her claim to the court that you don't care about the baby.  If she alleges something false (in a legal scenario) it needs to be corrected.  You are allowed to and should defend yourself, your innocence to the extent applicable and your involvement as father.

Her father told you to leave and get access through court.  It doesn't sound like he's obstructing you too much, but consider that the only source of information he may have is... .her side of the story.  He knew about the 15 year relationship?  If so, then he ought to know the reality and you ought to be able to estimate how clear headed he is or whether he has problems too.  If your relationship is ending or over, then she's very likely to cast you as a bad guy or even abuser.  Most people with BPD (pwBPD) describe their past relationships as abusive or controlling ones.  You're no longer idolized, you're rejected and the past is reinterpreted so that you're Mr Bad Guy.

I was married for over a decade before my wife and I decided for children.  We even went to see a reproductive specialist.  My thought was that having a baby would make her happy and see the bright side of life.  Instead, having a baby enabled her to relive her abusive childhood through our son.  When our son was approaching the age when her stepfather came into her life the conflict heightened, it was her and toddler against the world.  It got to the point where it seemed she could love either 'her' son or me, no room for two.  Clearly, I lost.

I belatedly learned that although children are wonderful blessings, they don't fix dysfunctional people or unhealthy relationships, rather, they vastly complicate them especially if the relationship ends and needs to be unwound.

[TreMS]

Thanks for the comments.

My wife/kids will accept this child and regardless - my child is reality so I am going to bring her up , not the mother .

It may take time , as my interests are the best interests of the child . That would mean my baby is already having her human rights violated for whatever reason or rational is in the mothers head .

I am getting a lawyer , interviewing who actually understands mental illness , and that this will be a battle .  I need someone who understands that I am not negotiating for the childs rights .

Very much appreciate all posters comments .

The last poster , I hear you deeply and thank you . I will never be alone with this woman again . I realize day by day that is was abuse , a lot of mental , emotional and verbal abuse . Holding ___ over me , and yeah - I liked sex better than getting freaking screamed at.

As I write this , I feel like a woman who was beaten , yet its shameful even on a board that is anonymous . Even where I obviously changed things about not leaving a trail , so to speak - meanwhile , I am the victim.

And it hurts , cause its like my rapist ( in a sense ) torments me by holding my child , refusing access or money , and calls the police .

How empowered this person holds ,

I am fighting this in a court , with a real lawyer , and tremendous connections and relationships in my city . People who will come to court and vouch for me and my family . This girl though , cannot have the one thing she wants .

Control over me .

[momtara]

Getting full custody is hard. Not impossible, but hard. They will look at what's best for the child. It depends on if you can prove that being with her would be harmful for the baby. Such a thing is hard to prove unless there are arrests, reports, etc... .but you can  get a psych report and guardian ad litem (expensive). You have to do what's in your heart now so you won't regret it later. Lawyers may give you free consultations to figure this out.

[TreMS]

Getting full custody is hard. Not impossible, but hard. They will look at what's best for the child. It depends on if you can prove that being with her would be harmful for the baby. Such a thing is hard to prove unless there are arrests, reports, etc... .but you can  get a psych report and guardian ad litem (expensive). You have to do what's in your heart now so you won't regret it later. Lawyers may give you free consultations to figure this out.

Thanks , very appreciated . She has had suicide attempts , I know the hospital , doctor etc . She has had very violent situations with men, abuse , etc and her dad  beat her up until even recently he tried to while pregnant . AA , on crack and cocaine till recently / does this matter how much

[ForeverDad]

If she has documented long term issues with illegal drugs or abuse of prescription drugs, then that is of concern to the courts.  You may be able to successfully request that the order include periodic drug testing and if sufficiently concerning then also supervised visitation.  Understand that courts generally don't like permanent restrictions, they prefer approaches to regain normal visitation after meeting minimal monitoring requirements.  The problem with that is that short term monitoring doesn't handle long term issues and it's possible that when monitoring and restrictions are lifted then you have to go back to court and start all over again getting protections in place again.

[TreMS]

Thanks so much .

So without throwing out everything cause my intention is not to fight , it literally is for the best interests of my child  .

A strategy is to get the 50/50 and then play it out , or is it better to go for the juggler asap with full custody right off , my family in the court room with a plan

[ForeverDad]

Seek legal advice on the specifics of your strategies and approaches. Your lawyer ought to know what usually works and what usually doesn't work in your court house.  However, that is not to say to you shouldn't seek more than the usual outcome.  If your lawyer did that then he or she would be ignoring the problem behaviors of the mother.  Present your case why you're asking the court for as much decision making and parenting time as possible.

What you don't want to do is have the mindset, I'll ask for a fair 50/50."  Court is not about being fair.  What if she demands 99%?  Want to guess what a judge may order, especially for a temp order?  What if the judge decides to split the difference and give neither parent what they asked?  Hearings for temp orders are often allotted just a half hour, what if the judge only asks what the work schedules are (as mine did) or your lawyer doesn't speak up about the severe problems (as mine did) or your lawyers whispers to you to stay silent with "we'll fix it later" (as mine did)?  If so, then you'd walk out with alternate weekends and an evening or overnight in between (as I did).  That's what I got and my temp orders lasted through the entire 2 year of separation and divorce.  The initial 'fix' didn't even happen until the final decree.

Of course, when asking for as much time as possible, make sure you show you want to be a very involved parent and don't ever give the impression it's to reduce child support.  Courts can have a feel for when a father tries to avoid child support.  It's about your children, not about money.

And if you can't get full custody — courts often order joint custody unless there are very good documented reasons otherwise — then second best is to seek Decision Making or Tie Breaker status for the major issues.  That's less difficult to get because the other parent isn't shut out.  Good thing is that DM & TB are in effect about the same as full custody but you just don't have the title of custody.