Where do they make this up?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am not as foolish as to think that pwBPD can go to extraordinary lengths to get their way or make their point. But when it comes to accusing sometimes they can pull out some really off the wall stuff. I'm sure it centered around fears but where do they make this up?  Here is my example: We are sitting at the dinner table and food is out and being eaten. She blurts out "You smell. something stinks around you mouth area. Who is the chick you were" (sorry to be crude here) "going down on."  What makes this even more odd is that I was only 10 minutes fresh out of the shower. So I said "What you are smelling honey is probably soap and shampoo." We both use the same kind so its not new.  No she was sure it was another person. So I made a point to wash my face again in front of her and used a lot of soap... .she said I still smell it is stinks bad.

This isn't the first time either. Before I assumed it was facial hair but not this time since I have none. I really have no idea where these thoughts come from. Obviously its a fear but they sure can be out of the blue.

[Cipher13]

I am not as foolish as to think that pwBPD can go to extraordinary lengths to get their way or make their point. But when it comes to accusing sometimes they can pull out some really off the wall stuff. I'm sure it centered around fears but where do they make this up?  Here is my example: We are sitting at the dinner table and food is out and being eaten. She blurts out "You smell. something stinks around you mouth area. Who is the chick you were" (sorry to be crude here) "going down on."  What makes this even more odd is that I was only 10 minutes fresh out of the shower. So I said "What you are smelling honey is probably soap and shampoo." We both use the same kind so its not new.  No she was sure it was another person. So I made a point to wash my face again in front of her and used a lot of soap... .she said I still smell it is stinks bad.

This isn't the first time either. Before I assumed it was facial hair but not this time since I have none. I really have no idea where these thoughts come from. Obviously its a fear but they sure can be out of the blue.

[dacoming]

Now I'm even more certain my uBPD wife is BPD!  This is one thing I didn't think I would find another person going through it.  My wife routinely comes at me with this same thing.  Saying my face stinks when I come home from work or I have a strange smell, often right after I get out of the shower.  She has a habit of trying to smell me when I get home most days and more times than not, comes up with some bogus accusation.  I have no idea how they come up with these things... .however I'm the one that's off in the head according to her.  Let me say I've NEVER cheated on my wife and definitely wouldn't be so dumb as to mess with a chick and then come to her to hug and kiss.  I wonder where is the logic!

[Cipher13]

Other odd fears are that some family member of mine will kid nap me or convince me to leave her and hide out with them. Also she claims very frequent dreams where I am supposedly cheating on her right in front of her face. She says that she confronts me and I always say the same things... .Don't worry about it. I don't like you anymore. She is better than you are.

[jonmnemonic]

I'm thinking the accusations could be an intentional way of controlling you by keeping you on the defensive or it could be a projection of her own behavior.  My wife would smell me on a regular basis, usually when I'd just come home from somewhere, and say things like "who's perfume is that?" or "who have you been around today?".  She was like a dog sniffing around my mouth and in my hair.  She told me on different occasions that she could smell sex so perhaps that's what she was looking for but I never gave her a reason to think I was cheating on her.  That didn't stop her from accusing me of cheating almost every time I left the house which leads me back to either it's a method of control or a projection of her own behavior.

It's very bizarre behavior and makes for a pretty lousy relationship.  Get out and stay out folks.

[dacoming]

Other odd fears are that some family member of mine will kid nap me or convince me to leave her and hide out with them. Also she claims very frequent dreams where I am supposedly cheating on her right in front of her face. She says that she confronts me and I always say the same things... .Don't worry about it. I don't like you anymore. She is better than you are.

My wife does this too with the dreams.  She will tell me some detailed dream that usually involves me cheating on her and disrespecting her to her face.  Often she wakes up angry when she has them and tells me that "it felt so real it has to be some truth to it," or something to that effect.  And then give me looks about it for a while.

[dacoming]

I'm thinking the accusations could be an intentional way of controlling you by keeping you on the defensive or it could be a projection of her own behavior.  My wife would smell me on a regular basis, usually when I'd just come home from somewhere, and say things like "who's perfume is that?" or "who have you been around today?".  She was like a dog sniffing around my mouth and in my hair.  She told me on different occasions that she could smell sex so perhaps that's what she was looking for but I never gave her a reason to think I was cheating on her.  That didn't stop her from accusing me of cheating almost every time I left the house which leads me back to either it's a method of control or a projection of her own behavior.

It's very bizarre behavior and makes for a pretty lousy relationship.  Get out and stay out folks.

You are right, it is very miserable and the more she does it, the further I drift away from her emotionally.  She's at the point now where she accuses me of cheating every single day at some point.  That's on top of other accusations and when I respond any way opposite of what she feels, she calls me argumentative and defensive of everything and blames my alcohol use for changing me into a different and hard to live with person.  She constantly changes around previous conversations and events and rages that I'm forgetting things or trying to make her think something is wrong with her.  I've always had a great memory, particularly when remembering events that happened; it's hereditary from my mom and grandfather.  My son is the same way and my family still comment about how good my memory is.  I drink beer on the daily but I'm always laid back, never confrontational.  She ALWAYS starts things with me.  Often I will not respond but she keeps pushing and throwing insults and accusations out until I do.  Then, she accuses ME of being argumentative over petty stuff.  I go to work and come home... .nothing else.  I feel like I'm in jail on a work release program.  If I didn't drink beer to calm my nerves, I'd be in the looney bin!  Now it's at the point where my opinion cannot differ from the kids now either because that too is argumentative.  She brings this up to them in my face now and pitches the drinking angle so they can feel that way too.  I feel she's trying to alienate them from me as well but she disguises it as concern.  I work for the government and did over 20 years in the military, most in a supervisory/management role and I've never had any problems at work with forgetting or anything else.  She seems to be trying to seriously gaslight me and drive me crazy!

[RiseAbove]

I wonder where is the logic!

My experience is that there is no logic. My xBPD would often say crazy things in part because I think she was hoping to be proven right in her irrational fears. As we all know, there is no way to prove a negative-- you didn't cheat on them with some unknown person. You spend so much time trying to reassure them that what they fear isn't real, and when you do they just redirect to other imaginary examples. There's always another dream, or something you said (or didn't even actually say) that they use as rationale for their irrational fears. You play whack-a-mole trying to prove you are a good person, when that really isn't what they want. Now, what they do want remains a mystery to me... .

[Grey Kitty]

She's at the point now where she accuses me of cheating every single day at some point.  That's on top of other accusations and when I respond any way opposite of what she feels, she calls me argumentative and defensive of everything and blames my alcohol use for changing me into a different and hard to live with person.  She constantly changes around previous conversations and events and rages that I'm forgetting things or trying to make her think something is wrong with her.

You cannot address any of the "problems" she brings up directly. Either she won't believe you, or she will make an instant shift and find a new "problem" to attack you for. It just doesn't work.

What works is refusing to engage when she does any of this. You CAN enforce the boundary that you will not listen to endless accusations, attacks, rages, etc. You have to leave those 'conversations' whether they are raging screaming shouts, or calmly spoken (but false) accusations.

Trust me, it will make things much better if you do it, but also trust me that you will need to find the strength to be consistent about it.

[dacoming]

You cannot address any of the "problems" she brings up directly. Either she won't believe you, or she will make an instant shift and find a new "problem" to attack you for. It just doesn't work.

What works is refusing to engage when she does any of this. You CAN enforce the boundary that you will not listen to endless accusations, attacks, rages, etc. You have to leave those 'conversations' whether they are raging screaming shouts, or calmly spoken (but false) accusations.

Trust me, it will make things much better if you do it, but also trust me that you will need to find the strength to be consistent about it.

Grey Kitty, you are right.  I've gotten better at not addressing but have not been consistent.  She is so good at pushing my buttons and I want so bad for that not to be the case.  It's crazy because Friday when I made the previous post, I went home and yet again she accused me of smelling like perfume when I got home and hugged her.  She was mad the whole evening but I did not engage.  She tried to make the argument into something else random which was also bogus.  Why would I come home smelling like perfume or sex or anything else KNOWING how she is?  Does she think I'm that stupid?