Expressing feelings of hurt without triggering shame?

[bananas2]

When my BPD H does something that causes me harm (such as lying), I tell him, calmly, that I feel sad & hurt by his action. Almost without fail, he begins dysregulating either immediately or within a day or so. Sometimes it takes the form of rage, other times a cold distance. He usually ends up finding a way to put the blame on me. Seems to me that the expression of my hurt feelings causes him too much shame to handle.
If I don't tell him how I feel, then it festers inside me and I become angry/resentful/depressed. So I feel like I have to tell him how I feel or I suffer the emotional & psychological consequences.
I believe that shame & guilt are necessary feelings; without them, we would have no moral compass. In many cases, fear of guilt/shame is what keeps us from doing wrong. I understand that in pwBPD, the "shame response" is heightened, but how do I self-care through healthy expression of feelings without triggering him & having him lash out at me?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi bananas2:    

Can you give a few examples of what he lies about? 

Perhaps you need to pick your battles right now. You might want to concentrate on the most disturbing lies. You might accomplish more in the long run, if you don't overwhelm him. People with BPD are very sensitive.  If he is forced to be overwhelmed with shame and guilt, it will be counter productive.

You might want to read: Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much?

[Grey Kitty]

When my BPD H does something that causes me harm (such as lying), I tell him, calmly, that I feel sad & hurt by his action. Almost without fail, he begins dysregulating either immediately or within a day or so.

I'm very much a pragmatist regarding this kind of thing; here's how I'd look at it:

You feel hurt. That is real. You need to do something which will take care of yourself, sooth yourself from the hurt, etc.

You *MAY* need to do something to protect yourself from the hurtful behavior, to reduce your future exposure or risk of it.

Note that neither of those directly includes telling BPDh about how you feel. This is important.

What happens when you tell him how you feel? Does it improve your marriage in any way? There are a few things you may hope will happen, although probably haven't the last hundred times!

• A sincere apology and real regret for hurting you.
• Insight on his part so he won't do it again.

I sometimes ask myself "What possible good can come of this (telling BPDh I'm feeling hurt)?"

If the answer is nothing, I zip my lips and don't say it.

There are other routes for self-care. Talking to somebody who is safe, who will validate you, who will support you is one. Posting here is another safe one. Your feelings are real, and you do need to take care of yourself. Try things that won't hurt you instead of things that seem certain to trigger your H.

[patientandclear]

For me, one good that can come of it is to share one's actual feelings with one's partner. There is value in that that can't be accomplished by telling others.

That said, there are blunt ways of doing that that seem hard for pwBPD to process (I once told my ex that I was "hurt and disappointed" and it started a downward spiral we never have recovered from). And then there are more advanced ways that seem sometimes to work better. Communications techniques taught in DBT, on this site and in some of the BPD books are meant to make it possible to not "walk on eggshells" (not just stuff it) but also to minimize bad reactions from the pwBPD. They involve a lot of reassurance, avoiding you statements, some incentives for listening and learning. "I'm not sure you realize this but when [opposife of what happened that hurt] occurs, I really like it and it's easier for me to want to spend time together."

So I don't know that a bright line btwn speaking and not speaking is essential. Rather, there may be a way to communicate that is easier for him to process.

[bananas2]

Thank you for all of your suggestions and responses, my BPD Family.
So one of the questions here was asking me what he lies about. Sadly, it's more like "What hasn't he lied about?" I wouldn't even know where to begin about the lies. Dishonesty is part of his personality. I don't want him to be overwhelmed with shame & guilt, but if he does something wrong I do expect that he will feel shame & guilt. But I guess that's part of the problem - my expectations. I expect that he will react in a "normal" fashion. Unfortunately I DO expect a "sincere apology" and "insight from him so he won't do it again." I guess I need to realize that I'm in a relationship with someone who feels no empathy & who only considers his own needs & wants, with little to no regard for anyone else's, so I need to radically lower my expectations.
I want to be able to communicate my feelings (positive and/or negative) to him. I believe that is necessary for a healthy relationship.
Even though I always try to keep moving in a positive direction, he keeps pulling me down.