Introduction--Torched

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi Everyone... .here is my introduction and what I am currently struggling with  

I lived with an undiagnosed BPD wife for 12 years before finally going to counseling alone to find out why I was an anxious mess with no personal dreams and an alienated family that I always had to choose her over.  My counselor, without really saying a thing, led me to a realization that while I contributed my own part (Mr. Fix-it, kind and loving, trying to "help", my spouse was horribly mentally ill.  I realized that after so many years, I had to move on.  I believed that she had treated me horribly on purpose.  After I asked for divorce, my family (who had been alienated and put through a lot by my wife) encouraged me to "give her a second chance" because it would be important in the long run (we also have two children).  I gave her an ultimatum "Fix yourself" not knowing that even with drugs she couldn't really do so.  To my amazement, she went to therapy and was medicated and she said she would try.  She stopped raging, stopped cold shouldering, and things were definitely "better," its just that it was extremely hollow.  She didn't know how or couldn't "love" me... .and now I knew it.

Fast forward five years and I had for some time realized it was over.  I was sick with stress-triggered atrial fibrillation at age 40, extremely bitter, resentful, and sad that I had wasted so many years being abused.  I just couldn't yet do it because I dreaded another round of "try again" and also knew that if I went through with it, she would punish me so badly in court and emotionally that it would be more than I felt I could handle.  At this same time, I met another woman who had a NPD husband.  We had this spark and got to know eachother over a year.  Yeah, you guessed it, I used this as my spring board to cutting the cord.  Not a good idea as it made me the bad guy publically and made her the victim... .but for me, it somehow helped me through it.  The woman I met has been on my side for seven months now and I have been very careful to ensure that I'm not making a similar mistake with her (could she be a borderline?  Will my "helper" self turn her bad?)  She is loving, caring, emotionally grounded and intelligent; a legitimate and wonderful person who doesn't pedestal me but respects and loves me and gives back so much.  We both appreciate each other so much more because of the relationships we left.

The divorce was final last week.  It was a horrible experience but I made a deal that I would not seek more than 50% custody by getting her therapy records even though I was scared that she would put her emotional suction on my kids.  Immediately after the divorce was final, she told my kids (9yo girl/13 yo boy) that she was in love with my best friend's "new best friend."  My best friend and his wife dumped me like a piece of trash after I told them I had been dishonest and cheated... .this was the one time I had ever acted with bad character in my life and I paid dearly for it.  Turns out I am now finding out that my wife had pretty much groomed this guy for a couple of years and within several weeks of me "devastating" her, they were running together behind the scenes.  My kid's dog died last month, we each bought separate houses and moved, the divorce was finalized, and she told them she was now in love and in another relationship.  My daughter was devastated and came home the first night on my days and told me she wanted to kill herself.  I calmed her down over several hours, talked about the new man in mom's life (who is actually a nice, kind guy... .who doesn't know what he is getting himself into) and I had her call her mom.  Mom immediately got angry with my daughter and yelled at her for upsetting her over the new relationship.  Why should I be surprised?  I took my daughter to therapy the next day and she is in good hands with me and the therapist but it is scary and I am full of guilt over it.

I came here this weekend an noticed some extremely smart people giving very very sound, "real" commentary and a lot of it helped.  I'm dealing with a lot of very messed up emotions this weekend, really for the first time since cutting the cord officially... .and I didn't expect any of it really.  Here's what is bothering me:

1). Since learning about the relationship my ex now has, I have become extremely angry at my friends for not believing what they couldn't see going on behind the closed doors of my marriage... .they are, after all, so excited for the "new favorite couple."  Ugh.  I'm also very upset for some reason about the relationship and how fast I was replaced.  It has a lot of emotional and sexual undertones to it which is bizarre.  I'm worried I might have a hard time moving on from it now.

2).  I am petrified that my daughter is going to become her mother.  I am there for those kids constantly both physically and emotionally and yet I'm worried I won't be able to make up for their mother's illness.

Here are the good things:

1). I have again been welcomed back lovingly by my family, along with my kids who are ecstatic.  My daughter had been alienated actively from my parents by my spouse and that relationship is budding in an awesome fashion and that is wonderful to see.
2).  I found out who my very real friends are and have discovered that the future is very open for me in kind of a "selfish" way; other than looking out for my kids consistently, I get to write the script and there is great freedom and hope in that.  I get to do the things I dreamed about when younger without being guilted and cold shouldered or raged on.  I have a very exciting romantic prospect that brings me great hope even though there are challenges still there.
3). My health has improved due to successful surgeries.  I'm fit, athletic, and feel good.

[Torched]

Hi Everyone... .here is my introduction and what I am currently struggling with  

I lived with an undiagnosed BPD wife for 12 years before finally going to counseling alone to find out why I was an anxious mess with no personal dreams and an alienated family that I always had to choose her over.  My counselor, without really saying a thing, led me to a realization that while I contributed my own part (Mr. Fix-it, kind and loving, trying to "help", my spouse was horribly mentally ill.  I realized that after so many years, I had to move on.  I believed that she had treated me horribly on purpose.  After I asked for divorce, my family (who had been alienated and put through a lot by my wife) encouraged me to "give her a second chance" because it would be important in the long run (we also have two children).  I gave her an ultimatum "Fix yourself" not knowing that even with drugs she couldn't really do so.  To my amazement, she went to therapy and was medicated and she said she would try.  She stopped raging, stopped cold shouldering, and things were definitely "better," its just that it was extremely hollow.  She didn't know how or couldn't "love" me... .and now I knew it.

Fast forward five years and I had for some time realized it was over.  I was sick with stress-triggered atrial fibrillation at age 40, extremely bitter, resentful, and sad that I had wasted so many years being abused.  I just couldn't yet do it because I dreaded another round of "try again" and also knew that if I went through with it, she would punish me so badly in court and emotionally that it would be more than I felt I could handle.  At this same time, I met another woman who had a NPD husband.  We had this spark and got to know eachother over a year.  Yeah, you guessed it, I used this as my spring board to cutting the cord.  Not a good idea as it made me the bad guy publically and made her the victim... .but for me, it somehow helped me through it.  The woman I met has been on my side for seven months now and I have been very careful to ensure that I'm not making a similar mistake with her (could she be a borderline?  Will my "helper" self turn her bad?)  She is loving, caring, emotionally grounded and intelligent; a legitimate and wonderful person who doesn't pedestal me but respects and loves me and gives back so much.  We both appreciate each other so much more because of the relationships we left.

The divorce was final last week.  It was a horrible experience but I made a deal that I would not seek more than 50% custody by getting her therapy records even though I was scared that she would put her emotional suction on my kids.  Immediately after the divorce was final, she told my kids (9yo girl/13 yo boy) that she was in love with my best friend's "new best friend."  My best friend and his wife dumped me like a piece of trash after I told them I had been dishonest and cheated... .this was the one time I had ever acted with bad character in my life and I paid dearly for it.  Turns out I am now finding out that my wife had pretty much groomed this guy for a couple of years and within several weeks of me "devastating" her, they were running together behind the scenes.  My kid's dog died last month, we each bought separate houses and moved, the divorce was finalized, and she told them she was now in love and in another relationship.  My daughter was devastated and came home the first night on my days and told me she wanted to kill herself.  I calmed her down over several hours, talked about the new man in mom's life (who is actually a nice, kind guy... .who doesn't know what he is getting himself into) and I had her call her mom.  Mom immediately got angry with my daughter and yelled at her for upsetting her over the new relationship.  Why should I be surprised?  I took my daughter to therapy the next day and she is in good hands with me and the therapist but it is scary and I am full of guilt over it.

I came here this weekend an noticed some extremely smart people giving very very sound, "real" commentary and a lot of it helped.  I'm dealing with a lot of very messed up emotions this weekend, really for the first time since cutting the cord officially... .and I didn't expect any of it really.  Here's what is bothering me:

1). Since learning about the relationship my ex now has, I have become extremely angry at my friends for not believing what they couldn't see going on behind the closed doors of my marriage... .they are, after all, so excited for the "new favorite couple."  Ugh.  I'm also very upset for some reason about the relationship and how fast I was replaced.  It has a lot of emotional and sexual undertones to it which is bizarre.  I'm worried I might have a hard time moving on from it now.

2).  I am petrified that my daughter is going to become her mother.  I am there for those kids constantly both physically and emotionally and yet I'm worried I won't be able to make up for their mother's illness.

Here are the good things:

1). I have again been welcomed back lovingly by my family, along with my kids who are ecstatic.  My daughter had been alienated actively from my parents by my spouse and that relationship is budding in an awesome fashion and that is wonderful to see.
2).  I found out who my very real friends are and have discovered that the future is very open for me in kind of a "selfish" way; other than looking out for my kids consistently, I get to write the script and there is great freedom and hope in that.  I get to do the things I dreamed about when younger without being guilted and cold shouldered or raged on.  I have a very exciting romantic prospect that brings me great hope even though there are challenges still there.
3). My health has improved due to successful surgeries.  I'm fit, athletic, and feel good.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Torched,

Welcome! I'm sorry to hear that your marriage ended. That is always a very tough thing to go through. Throw BPD into the mix, and it gets even harder. I'm glad to hear that things are looking up for you and your children, and that your daughter is in good hands with you and a therapist. I don't think there is an easy way to transition in these kinds of situations, and your worry about your daughter is very understandable. I think doing what you are doing—being there for her (and your son) and giving them as much stability as possible is the best thing you can do. You seem to have a really good grasp of what issues need to be confronted. 

You are not alone in feeling more intensely after the drama of the ending has died down. I can relate, as can most of the members here. You'll find lots of people here who understand what you're going through, and tons of tools to help you work through these emotions.

Are you seeing a therapist yourself as well?

heartandwhole

[Torched]

Thanks for the welcome and kind words.  I'm not currently seeing a therapist but I think it is going to be prudent.  I don't want to blow things with the wonderful woman I have a shot with and I need to be solid for my kids.  Five years ago my real journey started when I tried to get my ex to go to counseling with me... .she wouldn't... .so I went myself and a wonderful man helped me see what was "real."  He is battling cancer now and not working so I decided I would try to work through this on my own... .I know, its kind of obvious that I should probably see someone to work through these feelings instead of lurking on this board.  The board is great though

[heartandwhole]

I know, its kind of obvious that I should probably see someone to work through these feelings instead of lurking on this board.  The board is great though

You can use them both.    I asked because therapy helped me after my breakup with pwBPD. I needed some perspective. When we are "in" the situation, it can be so hard to step out and see. As you said, your former therapist showed you what was going on. I found that objective view invaluable when I was processing my breakup.

How is the communication with your ex going?

heartandwhole

[Torched]

Communication was horrible early on... .meaning when it happened, it was abusive toward me in front of my children on a daily basis.  Due to legal wrangling, I had to stay in the house for five months.  I managed to keep her from alienating my kids but for example they even commplained to me about her giving me the finger and a horrible scowl behind my back every time I walked through the living room or kitchen.  The texts and emails I received were also very bad and they at least gave me some leverage in the divorce because I remained friendly and tried to be conciliatory.

This behavior started to end around the time she fell in love with her current BF.  At that point, the relationship became all business and centered around texts and emails about coparenting.  This is how it remains, which is good I suppose.  The problem is my children dealing with her black view of me.  It hurts them and confuses them.  Add to this the fact that last night my son told me she is telling the kids I have a secret... .I had hoped to let things settle for them before discussing my affair and GF.  I only see my GF about once per week as she lives about 1 hour away, and I never compromised my attentiveness to my children to see her two times in the one month affair leading up to the divorce... .but I am very scared to take this step.  They sense it (thanks to mom) and I need to come clean.  Whole other topic.