Returning to the board, ashamed but hopefully wiser

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello... .it's been quite a while since I last posted (August actually) and needless to say, I ultimately succumbed to my dexBPDbf's request to "help" him and come back as a "close friend."  Obviously, that's not what happened, and I chose to return to the same dysfunctional tsunami in August that I tried to leave earlier that month.  You don't need to hear the story of what happened, because I think a good number of us would have similar tales to tell.  It was SLIGHTLY less destructive than previous recycles, but I had put some pretty firm limits on my availability and was trying to emotionally detach while remaining in the relationship (yes, it makes no sense, it was inordinately painful, and of course, it was ultimately unsuccessful).  I think he knew that my heart wasn't really in it... .there was really no way this would have been possible after nearly 8 years of verbal and emotional abuse, after all.

Brief backstory - I'm now 59 years old, divorced with 3 great daughters, and a professor of psychology in a university (you can laugh if you like, it's pathetically laughable at some level).  He is much younger (31), unemployed since 2008, still lives at home, just finished a Masters degree in computer science but is having a hard time finding an entry level job because of lack of experience/internship/etc.  And yes, I thought I could fix him, love would heal him, I could help him get past his abusive parents and help him see the great person I knew he REALLY was.  The age difference was unconventional sure, but love conquers all!  Bull.  The relationship was full of abuse (not physical, but it still hurt), huge fights, and extreme "doormat" behavior on my part.  (My T doesnt see me as co-dependent, just "excessively nice", although I'm not sure there's much of a difference).  He has been diagnosed both BPD and NPD, as well as having a few other labels over the years.  He is also a very heavy pot smoker, and has been able to get a "medical" card due to his ostensible PTSD.

Anyway, I've made some progress... .I broke up with him on December 27 (I felt awful doing so right after the Holiday).  He had begged me to stay with him until he completed his degree, and I did.  I think at some level he knew I would be done at that point.  In any case, I have not seen him since that time (good for me) but I have allowed him to text me and Facebook message me (bad for me, but in all honesty my T feels that completely going NC might enrage him to such an extent that he could become violent towards me). 

Anyway, I have been successful at maintaining LC which I would like to become NC.  I struggle with that because I some level I persist in seeing it as cruel, and the cautionary words of my T resonate with me as well.  I'm okay responding to his messages once in a while, but on the other hand that is actually "intermittent reinforcement" that will keep him going indefinitely. 

I'm asking for support and probably some validation as well as I struggle not to allow the contact to escalate.  It was his birthday last week, and I had actually been planning to see him after considerable begging on this part.  The FOG enveloped me.  Fortunately, the "universe spoke" and he got sick and was unable to come out.  Now he wants to see me tomorrow because "I promised".  Actually, I did not, and when I saw my T on Friday she was quite clear about the fact that seeing him would NOT do either him or I any good.  It is clear to me that he wants to open the door as much as possible so he can get back in and be "close friends" (with benefits of course).   

I don't want this.  I'm actually feeling pretty strong for the most part, I'm over the missing him every second (now it's only every hour and it's less intrusive the busier I get).  I know his intention is to keep me as a sex buddy/therapist/best friend/mom/wallet while he ultimately seeks a women his own age who can have a family with him (he talked incessantly about how he needs to "breed" and how "superb" his genes are and that they must be passed on).  His aim is to have an open relationship with me while he does what he wants, and I want to have nothing to do with this.

I want him out of my life completely.  But, I am scared of him and what he will do with complete NC, yet at some level I think complete NC is the only way.  AND of course I still have feelings for him so I need continued strength to stay away.

Any support is welcome, everyone here has been so wonderful in the past (Hi, Larmoyant, I'm b-a-a-c-c-k... .).  I want to stay away because it's important and necessary, so any strength or wisdom is much appreciated.

And I'm an INFJ too... .I think there might be an academic study about BPD/INFJ pairings that needs to be done.  Thank you!

[chillamom]

Hello... .it's been quite a while since I last posted (August actually) and needless to say, I ultimately succumbed to my dexBPDbf's request to "help" him and come back as a "close friend."  Obviously, that's not what happened, and I chose to return to the same dysfunctional tsunami in August that I tried to leave earlier that month.  You don't need to hear the story of what happened, because I think a good number of us would have similar tales to tell.  It was SLIGHTLY less destructive than previous recycles, but I had put some pretty firm limits on my availability and was trying to emotionally detach while remaining in the relationship (yes, it makes no sense, it was inordinately painful, and of course, it was ultimately unsuccessful).  I think he knew that my heart wasn't really in it... .there was really no way this would have been possible after nearly 8 years of verbal and emotional abuse, after all.

Brief backstory - I'm now 59 years old, divorced with 3 great daughters, and a professor of psychology in a university (you can laugh if you like, it's pathetically laughable at some level).  He is much younger (31), unemployed since 2008, still lives at home, just finished a Masters degree in computer science but is having a hard time finding an entry level job because of lack of experience/internship/etc.  And yes, I thought I could fix him, love would heal him, I could help him get past his abusive parents and help him see the great person I knew he REALLY was.  The age difference was unconventional sure, but love conquers all!  Bull.  The relationship was full of abuse (not physical, but it still hurt), huge fights, and extreme "doormat" behavior on my part.  (My T doesnt see me as co-dependent, just "excessively nice", although I'm not sure there's much of a difference).  He has been diagnosed both BPD and NPD, as well as having a few other labels over the years.  He is also a very heavy pot smoker, and has been able to get a "medical" card due to his ostensible PTSD.

Anyway, I've made some progress... .I broke up with him on December 27 (I felt awful doing so right after the Holiday).  He had begged me to stay with him until he completed his degree, and I did.  I think at some level he knew I would be done at that point.  In any case, I have not seen him since that time (good for me) but I have allowed him to text me and Facebook message me (bad for me, but in all honesty my T feels that completely going NC might enrage him to such an extent that he could become violent towards me). 

Anyway, I have been successful at maintaining LC which I would like to become NC.  I struggle with that because I some level I persist in seeing it as cruel, and the cautionary words of my T resonate with me as well.  I'm okay responding to his messages once in a while, but on the other hand that is actually "intermittent reinforcement" that will keep him going indefinitely. 

I'm asking for support and probably some validation as well as I struggle not to allow the contact to escalate.  It was his birthday last week, and I had actually been planning to see him after considerable begging on this part.  The FOG enveloped me.  Fortunately, the "universe spoke" and he got sick and was unable to come out.  Now he wants to see me tomorrow because "I promised".  Actually, I did not, and when I saw my T on Friday she was quite clear about the fact that seeing him would NOT do either him or I any good.  It is clear to me that he wants to open the door as much as possible so he can get back in and be "close friends" (with benefits of course).   

I don't want this.  I'm actually feeling pretty strong for the most part, I'm over the missing him every second (now it's only every hour and it's less intrusive the busier I get).  I know his intention is to keep me as a sex buddy/therapist/best friend/mom/wallet while he ultimately seeks a women his own age who can have a family with him (he talked incessantly about how he needs to "breed" and how "superb" his genes are and that they must be passed on).  His aim is to have an open relationship with me while he does what he wants, and I want to have nothing to do with this.

I want him out of my life completely.  But, I am scared of him and what he will do with complete NC, yet at some level I think complete NC is the only way.  AND of course I still have feelings for him so I need continued strength to stay away.

Any support is welcome, everyone here has been so wonderful in the past (Hi, Larmoyant, I'm b-a-a-c-c-k... .).  I want to stay away because it's important and necessary, so any strength or wisdom is much appreciated.

And I'm an INFJ too... .I think there might be an academic study about BPD/INFJ pairings that needs to be done.  Thank you!

[heartandwhole]

Hi chillamom, 

It's nice to "see" you again, although I'm sorry for the reason. Most of us here have gotten back in the saddle a time or two, so we understand how it feels.   I hope you are being gentle with yourself. I do believe that we become wiser with each step. You have already made it over a month separated and that IS progress.

I want him out of my life completely.  But, I am scared of him and what he will do with complete NC, yet at some level I think complete NC is the only way.  AND of course I still have feelings for him so I need continued strength to stay away.

What are you afraid he will do?

I want to stay away because it's important and necessary, so any strength or wisdom is much appreciated.

What helped me stay away, among other things, was to put my attention elsewhere, e.g., on my wellbeing, goals, hobbies, friendships, etc. Getting him out of my daily thoughts and routines. What do you think would help you?

And I'm an INFJ too... .I think there might be an academic study about BPD/INFJ pairings that needs to be done.  Thank you!

Me, three.     A study would be interesting!

heartandwhole

[Larmoyant]

Hi Chillamom, my band-aid buddy! Welcome back. I’ve often wondered how you are. No need to feel ashamed for going back or coming back. Many of us do, and it shows great strength coming back for support.

.It was SLIGHTLY less destructive than previous recycles, but I had put some pretty firm limits on my availability and was trying to emotionally detach while remaining in the relationship (yes, it makes no sense, it was inordinately painful, and of course, it was ultimately unsuccessful).

. 

Makes perfect sense to me. You wanted it to work, but were aware of what could happen, and by attempting to emotionally detach you were trying to protect yourself.

.Brief backstory - I'm now 59 years old, divorced with 3 great daughters, and a professor of psychology in a university (you can laugh if you like, it's pathetically laughable at some level).

.

No laughing here. It’s one thing to read about something in a book and an entirely different matter being on the receiving end of it.
 

. The relationship was full of abuse (not physical, but it still hurt), huge fights, and extreme "doormat" behavior on my part.  (My T doesnt see me as co-dependent, just "excessively nice", although I'm not sure there's much of a difference).

.

My T didn’t view me as a codependent either, just overly empathic, but when we start putting others needs before our own even in the face of terrible abuse I think it qualifies.

……my T feels that completely going NC might enrage him to such an extent that he could become violent towards me).

.
 
Have you heard of Grey Rock where you aim for healthy and in your case safe disengagement? The aim is to neutralize the situation and not trigger volatile emotions by gradually withdrawing and become ‘boring’.  It’s hard if you’re triggered too, but this is what I eventually did. Stopped responding with emotion when he pressed those fear, obligation, guilt buttons. Admittedly, I didn’t know I was doing this at the time (). I just started to get exhausted so withdrew more and more, and refused to engage in the drama. It worked and I’ve now been NC for 6 weeks. The floodgates have opened somewhat, but it’s all part of working through it with no more interruptions. I consider this the beginning of healing.

Maybe withdrawing gradually will help you with those guilt feelings too. I also saw it as somewhat cruel until I realised that if I didn’t instigate it I’d be held captive to my emotions (and his) forever. I started looking at it in a different light. It’s protection from the ongoing drama for both parties, space to gather your thoughts and feelings, to start healing I suppose. If you view it as good for both of you it may help you. Also, remember this….

.I know his intention is to keep me as a sex buddy/therapist/best friend/mom/wallet while he ultimately seeks a women his own age who can have a family with him (he talked incessantly about how he needs to "breed" and how "superb" his genes are and that they must be passed on).  His aim is to have an open relationship with me while he does what he wants, and I want to have nothing to do with this.

.

It's extremely cruel of him to tell you these things knowing that your child bearing days are over (mine too). Don’t give him any more chances to do this to you.

Capitalise on the gift from the universe and keep away. He wants to keep the attachment to meet his needs, and will likely try myriad ways to get your attention and you’ll both be in withdrawal.  It will be difficult. It’s heartbreaking leaving someone you love, but eventually if you want more for yourself, and by more I mean mutual love, kindness, support, and respect it’s more often than not the only way.

What's with the INFJ club!

[chillamom]

Thank you, Heart and Whole... .thank you for the suggestions on staying away.  I agree that if my work day and leisure time are very planned out, I can keep busy enough that my thoughts about him are less intrusive.  That's been something that time has been handling for me to a certain extent as well, but certainly not as much as I would like.

I think I am most afraid of him becoming physically violent.  He has NOT done this in the past, but my T has me pretty paranoid about the possibility, given that she said he appears to fit the profile of someone who is likely to do that.  I try to remember the axiom that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so I will just try to stay out of the way and avoid any possibility of re-engagement.

Thanks for the wise words, at some level I KNOW what to do, but as you have always noted, it takes a while for the heart to catch up with the head.

[chillamom]

Hi, Larmoyant,

Hope today is going a bit better for you.  I appreciate your suggestions about the Grey Rock, yes I have heard about it and did try to enact it many times around him... .my problem is I can be a good Grey Rock for only so long, and then I tended to give in to whatever he was doing to trigger me. 

I had indeed been withdrawing more and more, but made a horribly DUMB move yesterday.  He was begging me to see him for his birthday, so I went out to lunch with him, sort of "testing the waters" to see if it might be possible to have a closure conversation and such.  I was able to maintain a physical distance, which is good, but of course the afternoon deteriorated rapidly into him screaming and crying for me to come back and give everything another shot.  He basically kept me stuck in my car for over an hour, screaming at me and telling me what a horrible and abusive person I was because I remained firm in the fact that I was not going to come back.  Of Course when I did finally manage to get him out of the car he continued to engage for the rest of the evening until I blocked him once again on everything but email, and today there were numerous emails waiting for me telling me again how abusive I was and how I had to be his friend because he has no one (which is really true).

He has also sent me several articles from psychology sites on the internet about how dangerous loneliness is to one's health (I do know that social isolation is obviously a bad thing!) but he is obviously trying to guilt me into re-engaging for the long haul.

I'm actually kinda glad I did see him yesterday because it proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that we cannot be friends in any sense of the word.  I knew that intellectually, of course, but yesterday was a complete demonstration of that fact.

Once again, though, I am feeling so much guilt.  Didn't sleep last night, was up crying for many hours, and don't know how I'm going to function through class tonight that doesn't end till 9.  Well, I did it to myself... .sorry if I'm somewhat incoherent, just very tired and sad.

Anyway, I hope you are continuing to find your way through the maze as well.  I like your point that minimizing contact is protection from drama for both people, and that was brought home to me as a necessity yesterday.  Thank you.

[Larmoyant]

Once again, though, I am feeling so much guilt. Didn't sleep last night, was up crying for many hours, and don't know how I'm going to function through class tonight that doesn't end till 9.  Well, I did it to myself... .sorry if I'm somewhat incoherent, just very tired and sad.

Hi Chillamom, you need a big hug  . I hope you got through the class ok. Borderlines seem to be masters at tugging at those heart strings or should I say 'guilt' strings. It’s all too easy getting caught up in efforts to help them and it’s mostly at the expense of our own emotional needs. It’s a slippery slope so please be careful. All my energy went into catering for my ex’s needs and I lost so much.
 
I know your heart still has to catch up with your head (mine too), but it might help to remind yourself what he is doing when he tugs at those ‘guilt’ strings. He’s not thinking about you and your needs that’s for sure. He is not trying to problem solve so you can be happy as a couple. He is clinging and is trying to secure his ‘attachment’ and yes, it’s heart-breakingly sad. BPD is a terrible disorder and I cannot even begin to imagine the torment involved, but no sooner will he get you back then the abuse will begin and around and around you will go until you are so depleted that you cannot function properly. Remember those comments he makes? The ones that make you feel bad, inadequate, ‘less than’? They have a purpose, unconscious on his part may be, but they will chip away at your self-esteem until you don’t recognise yourself in the mirror anymore. Like me. Don’t be like me.

If he won’t take responsibility, is incapable of an adult discussion to clear up any issues, if the relationship is going nowhere, if he wants a family, and you can’t provide one then what are you waiting around for? What’s hurting? As you say the day will likely come when he finds someone else and he won’t look back at the poor, damaged woman he left behind.  Should his mind wander there, well it wasn’t him was it. She did it all to herself. Borderline defenses help them survive. I get it, but what about us. Chillamom, I know you’re susceptible to the guilt tripping, but you’re important you know. Put yourself first. 

[lovenature]

Hey chillamom

Cut yourself some slack, I know it isn't easy because I so easily give others compassion but don't give it to myself, but we are all only human. Don't feel ashamed for caring about someone, keep reading and learning, one day at a time.