Best way to reconnect with her

[Notwendy]

The suggestion to ask to meet in person is only my opinion. For you, it may be too difficult to wait. Personally, I think too many attempts may be too much, but on your part- it's your situation to manage.

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[DeeplyLovingHer]

That makes sense. The therapist is going to focus on you- because you are the client. He wouldn't be able to make an assessment of her as he hasn't seen or met her.

So perhaps he can't assume she has BPD but I think/hope he'd be able to help you with your side of things.

As to what to do next to attempt to reach out- I don't think there's a "BPD approach"- they are still individuals. I think you have sent messages/gifts already and she hasn't responded. Of the ideas you mentioned- if you are already in town, you could ask her to meet you for coffee just to talk- if she doesn't want to do that, then you have tried.

If you communicate with her, I wouldn't tell her how miserable you are or that you disagree with how she's going about this- this is putting your feelings out there for her and pwBPD have difficulty with their own feelings, and so it's not likely to get you the response you would wish for.

See? It was not so complicated to give me a good advice, as you did and many others did previously.
Even tho you were discouraging me to reach out or something, your advice were valuable and on point.

My therapist was just trying to dismantle the BPD thing entirely, even tho my ex mentioned the issue, saying that another therapist told her she might have it. And that's the only reason why I started digging into this matter and everything magically made finally sense. So I don't think he is doing a great job for his client, by invalidating entirely my hypothesis, which is based on two facts and many elements that concour in the BPD behavior and my ex behavior. Even tho you won't accept that we can assume she has BPD, which is fine, he should just listen and take into consideration her behavior which is factual, and not dismissing what I'm saying.

Anyway thanks again, I'll follow your advice actually I'm just gonna wait till next month and cross my fingers!
If she doesn't reply or react well, I might just send her stuff back for Christmas with a gift I wanted to give her and a letter and I will never text her anymore if she don't wan't to communicate with me.

What do you think?

[Notwendy]

What I think may not be what she thinks as I don't have BPD.

Personally, I think a Christmas gift would feel intrusive and unwanted.  I can't speak for your ex but I think if she won't communicate with you in November, I think a gift and letter would be excessive.

On your part, I don't know how many times you feel you need to try before you decide it's enough. If you feel you need to do it this way- the gift, the letter- that may be what you have to do for you.

None of us here can speak for how your ex will feel. PwBPD can still make their own decisions. Understandable that this is hurtful but she is going to choose what she wants to do.

[ForeverDad]

You may feel a gift of course will be appreciated.  When BPD dysfunction is involved, how she responds is unpredictable.  We can't predict her expectations since we don't know what they would be even if she were in a receptive mood.

I recall one of my last anniversaries, if not the last, before my marriage imploded.  The store's red roses were old with the petals loose, so I bought some beautiful multicolored carnations.  She was so upset that they weren't roses she cut the tops off and tossed it all in the kitchen trash.  Yet another excuse to criticize me.

[Notwendy]

I recall one of my last anniversaries, if not the last, before my marriage imploded.  The store's red roses were old with the petals loose, so I bought some beautiful multicolored carnations.  She was so upset that they weren't roses she cut the tops off and tossed it all in the kitchen trash.  Yet another excuse to criticize me.

This was an appropriate gift for the relationship- flowers for an anniversary. The response wasn't appropriate.

If someone asks to not be contacted, doesn't respond to attempts to contact, and also declines a request to meet in November, then sending a Christmas gift is an intrusion. It isn't appreciated because the person has made it clear that they don't want to be contacted. The expected reaction to an intrusion and violation of their boundaries is to not appreciate it.

Just because someone has BPD, it doesn't take away their free will to make choices and decisions, even if we disagree with those decisions. If she's stated several times to not contact her and also doesn't respond to attempts to contact her- it's quite possible she means what she says.

I think it's clear you are open to reconciliation if she wants it- but if she continues to decline contact attempts- a gift may not be appreciated. In this case, to send a Christmas gift is not appropriate for the context of the relationship and it won't be appreciated.

See what happens in November if you ask her to meet.