Trying to get over anger

[Nine_tails]

Hello, I am new here and this is my first post. My spouse of almost 20 years has not been officially diagnosed and is unlikely to seek one or to seek treatment, but after my therapist suggested he might have BPD and/ or NPD I read the book Stop Walking On Eggshells and everything just made so much sense.

My dad was explosive and unpredictable, so I thought that was normal and a sign that my SO really loved me. Things escalated, but by that time my point of reference was so far off normal
I just explained it all away. But one night he said something to the kids that was just so obviously outside the limit. It was like a wake up call for me.

My biggest issue now is that I have to figure out how to coparent and set limits on his behavior around the children most especially, but I am so angry and resentful and confused I can't even look at him without all these feelings threatening to bubble up. I want to be able to talk to him calmly and respectfully and set limits. I need to keep my head or I will get mired in all the manipulative and confounding tactics that have characterized our past conversations. But I can't, not while I am feeling this way. Cognitively, I recognize that I still care about him and he is not a monster and the father of our kids and deserves respect. I want to think of him compassionately and understand where he is coming from. I want to own up my end, recognizing that although none of this is my fault, I did play a role. But I just can't. I resent him for all that I and my children have had to endure. I am angry at myself for not seeing this sooner and setting limits. The kids are both suffering so much--anxiety and anger issues---and here I was wondering why when  the answer was right in front of me.

I am feeling so done with the relationship. I realize this may evolve as things shift with my new awareness, but for now the only thing keeping me from walking away is finances and the children. The children both have such anxiety they are unlikely to leave the house with me. So trying to make this livable for us is the best option I have but I just feel so overwhelmed by my emotions.

I am also trying hard not to but now I am questioning so much of the past. The times he left his job or was laid off and said it was because his boss hated him. The time he said his boss was toxic and sent him to anger management out of retaliation. I stood by him but am realizing now these were all red flags.

I think I just needed to get that off my chest and be understood. I look forward to connecting with everyone here and learning more.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome.    Though of course we wish the circumstances were better.  We've been there, experienced that... and are coming out, or have come out, the other side.  There is a wealth of collective wisdom and strategies here, what usually works as well as what usually doesn't work.

I am feeling so done with the relationship. I realize this may evolve as things shift with my new awareness, but for now the only thing keeping me from walking away is finances and the children. The children both have such anxiety they are unlikely to leave the house with me. So trying to make this livable for us is the best option I have but I just feel so overwhelmed by my emotions.

Whether they choose to stay or leave with you depends very much on the children's ages.  Typically children younger than 12 often aren't given a choice, if the parents can't agree on a schedule then family/domestic court will depend on its professionals' reports to decide.  Older children - teenagers - may get a voice but it may be on a case by case basis.  Of course, once a teen gets a driver's license then it may be a matter of voting with his/her feet.

It is extraordinarily rare for a court to order no visitation for a parent.  So even if a child wants to stay with the other parent, you will almost surely get at least minimal time.  That's typically no less than alternate weekends and some visit(s) in between.  That would be your worst case scenario, you're likely to obtain something more than that, either equal time or majority time.

All the above is to assure you that things likely will turn out better than you fear/worry.  Granted, the journey can be difficult but the outcome will outshine your struggles.
 

[livednlearned]

My biggest issue now is that I have to figure out how to coparent and set limits on his behavior around the children most especially, but I am so angry and resentful and confused I can't even look at him without all these feelings threatening to bubble up.

I can identify with this. My son's father (we're no longer married) was either in full neglect mode or he was overbearing and controlling to an irrational degree. These behaviors were deeply wounding to my son.

Are your kids in counseling? How old are they? What is your relationship with them like?

Is there anything you're currently struggling with (in particular)?

There are some helpful resources out there that helped me find my way as a co-parent. It's tough when the other parent is operating from such an extreme place.

[ForeverDad]

Separation and divorce with children requires an initial temp order outlining custody division, parenting time schedule, etc.  If your state doesn't have provision for you to request custody/parenting up front, then it is the first thing handled at the first divorce process hearing.

That hearing is usually quite brief but what is risky is something about you.  What do I mean?  We all are very fair-minded Nice Guys and Nice Gals.  When dealing with a spouse who is probably oppositional and obstructive, we can't risk letting our natural inclinations (overly nice or overly fair) surface.  Otherwise we will get walked over and stomped on.

So when you file or whenever you appear in court, don't be fooled that being generous will get you anywhere positive.  Yes, don't be nasty but just look out for yourself and the children's best interests.  A good perspective is to be the parent proposing solutions, not creating problems.  Court may not notice the difference at first, but eventually it will.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Welcome!   

I resent him for all that I and my children have had to endure. I am angry at myself for not seeing this sooner and setting limits. The kids are both suffering so much--anxiety and anger issues---and here I was wondering why when  the answer was right in front of me.

I am feeling so done with the relationship. I realize this may evolve as things shift with my new awareness, but for now the only thing keeping me from walking away is finances and the children. The children both have such anxiety they are unlikely to leave the house with me. So trying to make this livable for us is the best option I have but I just feel so overwhelmed by my emotions.

I am also trying hard not to but now I am questioning so much of the past.

What you are feeling is totally normal once you find out….and it sucks.  The same thing happened to me - furious anger, resentment, wanting to cut and run, wanting to retaliate, self loathing for not being aware, furious again that it wasn’t just impacting me but our kids, guilty because there are parts of her that are great, anger because the fix isn’t easy, anger because of the ambivalence… sheesh a lot of anger.

I can’t tell you what will work for you, but find a way to get that out in a healthy way.  For me it was physical activity & running and being with friends and family, and getting my own therapist to sort through my feelings.

The good thing is you are “awake” now to the issue.  Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing this obscure condition.  I didn’t either.  You will never go back to sleep on it again and you will start to see signs in lots of other people too - because you know what to look for.

Short term advice - learn the necessary skills: Grey Rock, S.E.T., JADE, etc that are contained in this site.  I use them daily.  Then when you feel safe and your head is clear start working through your thoughts in a non impulsive way.  Think and listen to that inner voice.

Welcome again - we hear you!

[ForeverDad]

Let's be clear about what we're talking about.  Leaving the relationship does not necessarily mean you leave the family home and fret over how the children might react to that choice.  In some jurisdictions you can stay and petition the court to have your soon-to-be-ex-spouse (stbEx) move out.  You won't know if that's a possible option until you get some legal advice and options/strategies in a few interviews or consultations with lawyers or solicitors.  You do this well before you decide which lawyer to actually hire.

A reminder here... You have the right to privacy and confidentiality.  You do not share this sensitive topic until you're prepared.  Sadly, this would not be a time to be overly fair or overly whatever since your spouse wouldn't reciprocate similarly.

You do share information - carefully - if you're seeking to repair the relationship.  If you've concluded the relationship has no future then you shift goals and limit sharing to legally required matters such as finances and pertinent child care topics.