Tired of being gaslit...

[ChitChatCharley]

Since I haven't done much poking around, I'll keep this brief.

My 16yo was recently "diagnosed" with BPD (I use quotes because I was told she couldn't be formally diagnosed until 18, but that there was no doubt about what it was).

I've spent the last 16 years feeling invalidated and gaslit, unable to find anyone who could understand where I was coming from. I've been lectured on how to be a better mother by friends, fellow parents, teachers, counselors, the police - and whenever I tried to explain what I was up against, I was told "that's just how kids/pre-teens/teenagers are".

When I got the diagnosis from the psychologist, I cried because it felt like the first time someone had recognized the uphill battle I've been in and the seriousness of the issue.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hello chitchatcharley,

You are certainly not alone. I knew that my udds behaviour wasnt just typical teenagers behaviour too. After all, I had once been a teenager myself  and had had friends who were teenagers too who never ever did the things that my udd would often do.There was also no other person in my family or any young people I knew of that behaved the way my udd until I found this site and it was a total revelation !!! Up until that time after time I was invalidated by family, and friends.....even the family therapist  we saw briefly said that I was just being too overbearing and that my udd was just trying to find her  own way in life. I was often met with outright disbelief, blamed or they would be denial often told that my udd would just grow out of it or that it was just a mother and teenage daughter thing.
My udd  is not diagnosed although I think she has come pretty close to it through a mental health therapist she was required to see after an incident but she clammed up and wouldnt speak and stopped attending. I knew that something wasnt right but was also told that we would have to wait until she was 18yo for a formal diagnosis. I was told that the focus was more on the behaviours rather than the diagnosis, but I still wanted to know what was wrong with my udd. I now know that this is the correct way to think about it but I still need to know if there was a name for her behaviour, and how I could make her better....which I now know is totally in her own hands. Has your dd accepted her diagnosis and is there a plan for moving forward?.

[ChitChatCharley]

I've also been told to focus on the behaviors - when I mentioned to a psychiatrist that I was having a difficult time finding a counselor that was equipped to handle a teenager with BPD, he told me to find someone who could deal with emotional teenage girls. Like that's all we're dealing with here - an overly emotional teenage girl.

Right now she is in an IOP program for three hours a day, three times a week, for eight weeks. It's basically just a hangout session for her. Last week she threatened self-harm to the IOP counselor - so the counselor pulled me aside and gave me the same spiel I've heard several times before. I was frustrated because after speaking with the counselor, my daughter dismissively said "You know you don't have to do any of that" (referring to hiding all the pills in the house and being the one to dispense her pills each morning, versus her having access to them) "I'm not going to do anything."

It frustrated me that she so easily can manipulate people into reacting the exact way she wants them to, while making herself the victim of a mean mom who can barely contain her frustration when the counselor explains that we're doing these extra measures for the good of my daughter.

As if every minute of every hour of every day isn't spent somehow considering my daughter.

[js friend]

Hi again Chitchatcharley,

If only it was about being too emotional I think I could have coped with it too, but bpd is truly something else. I often think that some of these counsellors do more harm than good. Honestly why would we lie about our childrens behaviour? That I could never understand and I felt like  it often became my word against udd's. People who have only know my udd fleetingly(including therapists) would never guess how she truly behaves because she is able to hide it and look normal for short periods of times...usually when she is manipulating them.

Your dd is 16yo and still very young. She has a great opportunity  to take away something from these IOP sessions but it is more likely that she wont because she doesnt want to be there and put in the effort. I know how much we want them to want it, we would even do it for them if we could but we cant. I hope that one day your dd  will get to a stage because life will be so much better for her and everyone else. My udd is now 31yo and has never admitted her mental health issues and radiates misery. I believe that she knows that something isnt right but is just too scared to admit it.



.