to contact or not

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello!  (I forgot my password!) but...I am back

I had last posted that my 24 y/o BPD was in contact with my mother; fast forward...last night my mother informed me BPD was "having a meltdown" and presumably "checking herself in the hospital" (note:  my mother insists BPD is "spoiled and "has issues" (despite me sharing all of the information I have carefully researched; question:  do i contact p/w BPD and check on her OR wait for pw BPD to potentially reach out (sad one has to even ask!) (I am nervous pw BPD will resent my mother sharing this information and my mother is the ONLY one who has any correspondence with her...any feedback if valued

[BPDstinks]

Hello!  (I forgot my password!) but...I am back

I had last posted that my 24 y/o BPD was in contact with my mother; fast forward...last night my mother informed me BPD was "having a meltdown" and presumably "checking herself in the hospital" (note:  my mother insists BPD is "spoiled and "has issues" (despite me sharing all of the information I have carefully researched; question:  do i contact p/w BPD and check on her OR wait for pw BPD to potentially reach out (sad one has to even ask!) (I am nervous pw BPD will resent my mother sharing this information and my mother is the ONLY one who has any correspondence with her...any feedback if valued

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi BPD,

Welcome back, even if it is during uncertain and troubling circumstances for you.  Even though your daughter is in the hospital (maybe), the upshot is that she might get some help that she desperately needs.  In my opinion, it's also a very good sign that she's the one who checked herself in.  I know you've read some of my posts about my stepdaughter's struggles, and she too got to the point of checking herself into the hospital.  It marked a turning point, when she began to take control of, and responsibility for, trying to feel better.

I know you're unsure how to respond.  If you check in with your daughter, you might be breaching her trust, or seem accusatory or judgmental.  If you don't check in, you could appear heartless and uncaring.  On balance, I'd recommend showing that you care, but let her decide whether to respond or not.  Please don't beg her for a reply, because she's very unstable right now.  Maybe you send a short text like, "My mom and I are thinking about you and are here for you as you focus on your health and wellness."  I don't know exactly what to say, but I'd avoid anything that implies that she's sick (which could be deemed accusatory or judgmental; as she likely still thinks YOU are her problem).  Maybe she's coming around though, because she hasn't had contact with you for months, and you couldn't possibly have triggered her latest crisis.  Maybe that's the separation she needed to see that the only person behind all her troubles is herself.  I think my stepdaughter had to go through a similar process before finally coming to the conclusion that she needed professional help.

One final word--getting professional help could indeed help.  I'm sure the professionals have seen this sort of patient dozens of times.  There are treatment plans that can help with BPD, but they work only if your daughter is "ready" to do the work.  Maybe now that she's checked into the hospital, she might be ready.

[BPDstinks]

thank you for responding!  well...I do not know IF she checked herself in YET or is going to? I am waiting to hear from my mother (such a weird circumstance, 2 years ago, she hated my mother! (the "kicker" here is...I know EXACTLY what is going on (2 years ago, SAME time frame she checked herself in, (she was overwhelmed b/c she teaches dance & dance starts this week) (and she got into a "fight" with her best friend (an annual event (certainly b/c the BPD causes her to "be very clingy" (truly, like Groundhog Day; however, my mother (her new favorite person!) calls all of this an "issue"; very important to add:  she said IF i reach out to her she will get a restraining order!  (do you ever wish there was a re-wind? (than again, unsure what I would have done different!) hope YOU are doing well!  I reallllly missed this group!

[BPDstinks]

...and, this will be her 4th hospital stay (3 voluntary, one UNvoluntary (that was an AWFUL experience)

[Sancho]

Hi BPDstinks
Hard as it is I wouldn't initiate contact. It's so awful to say this, but she will know where the information has come from and it could cut off an important link for this moment in time.

By DD would fly completely off the handle if I made contact in these circumstances, and it would make things worse in my opinion.

Yes it does stink!

[BPDstinks]

Yes!  that is how I feel about it!  To make matters ODDer (if possible!) my husband (weird timing, right?) told me pw BPD was on his mind Wednesday night & he texted her, said, "I am thinking of you", she responded "thx" (my husband is NOT grasping the situation, despite me sharing all of my research)

[AcheyMom]

Hi, I am in a similar situation.  I heard from someone that my daughter tried to check herself in to the hospital yesterday.  I was so anxious because if she wants in the hospital she will escalate until they have to admit her.  Something you said is very familiar…our daughter has a pattern of checking herself into the hospital when something happens or is about to happen that she can’t face.  It’s usually a consequence she can’t face or a break up.  I don’t want my daughter to know I heard about failed hospital admission from this person either.  I plan to just say “Hi, just checking in, it’s been a while..” But then we are on speaking terms.  We typically text once per week.

[js friend]

My thoughts are to not contact your dd.

At the moment your dd sees your mother as an ally and I would be inclined to keep it that way....she is the only one shes got. If you contact your dd she may see this as a betrayal and cut your mother off. I would also be wary about your husband contacting your dd to seek any information. A text asking if she ok is great but anything more than that could lead again to cutting your mother off or the beginning of triangulation with your husband.

[BPDstinks]

hi!  AGREED, on all counts! (it WAS odd, my husband tells me daily, "I miss pw BPD" (I know one should not have a favorite but pw BPD is his), I tell him everything I have learned from research and this amazing group!  so...his text was very random (very sad how he was SOOO excited, from "thanks" (I get it, I am over the moon if she texts)