Frustrated not responding to smear campaign

[KitKat68]

My 30yo daughter wBPD has ramped up her smear campaign of me on social media and continues to send me hateful emails. This has been going on for a few years now and I’ve told people to stop sending me screenshots from social media and I don’t check the email (no longer have access to it) she was still allowed to contact me at. However, this doesn’t erase all the things I’ve seen her write stuff before and since I know she just repeats the same old victim-y stuff,

I know what she’s saying and I know little to none of it is true. I logically know to not JADE with her, I know to not react at all but especially not from an emotional reaction standpoint. I know she doesn’t want to hear facts which contradict her narrative and will ramp up her bad behavior if I point out where she’s wrong. I know it’s better to not invite chaos into my life by responding to her manipulation.

But emotionally? I am angry and tired. I know anyone, even family members, who believe her without bothering to get the other side of the story, those people aren’t worth my time. Most the people she’s talking to I don’t even know but some of them I do and I do care what some of them think but I’m beginning to question that and why I should. She’s gotten my DIL’s ear (new flying monkey) and now DIL’s saying, “why would she say all that if it weren’t true?” I told DIL that I don’t know, that she’d  have to ask my daughter, that it isn’t my place to discuss my daughter’s (nor anyone else’s) issues.

Again, I know it would be a terrible choice to respond to my daughter but at the same time it feels like there’s no recourse, she just does and says what she wants despite most of the things she’s saying are projection and lies.

She owes people in the family money she asked them to borrow and later without a shred of shame refused to repay, tried to use my SSN to get a 15K loan, and had a friend vandalize the motor of my husband’s car she once borrowed the day before she gave it back to us because she was angry at us. I know she’s capable of serious vengeful behavior which is even more reason to leave her alone. That being said, all of these things that I know to be true about her and the situation, somehow this knowledge doesn’t entirely kill my urge to react.to the emails she’s sent.

It feels like doing nothing is basically silently agreeing she’s right. But responding to her can’t possibly end well for me.

This is so frustrating.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi kitkat68,

I would consider taking out a non molestation order against your dd. Luckily my udd has never smeared me online( to my knowledge) but she has often spoken badly about me to people who usually no nothing about the real situation. Taking it online is really on another level and difficult ignore as it reaches so much more people....so it could be time to take action.

[Sancho]

Hi Kitkat68
I really understand your frustration! I feel so 'cornered' often in so many ways.

Spreading all this stuff is one example: if you ignore it they can get worse - almost like baiting you to respond so they have more ammunition. And if you respond well off they go again!

I do think that some sort of formal action could be a good way to go. If the posts are threatening then looking into a restraining order.

If they are spreading stuff about you that is defamatory, then getting a lawyer to draft a letter pointing out that what they are posting is defamatory and if this is not stopped further action will be taken.

In other words look for ways that confront sd with possible consequences. I think this is a better option than entering into the verbal exchange.

Another thing I think is helpful is being 'dismissive'. By this I mean with others who have  been taken in by sd's distorted tale. It's a funny thing that the more you try to defend yourself, the more others can still semi believe the defamatory person.

I find that using facial expression, and implying things - rather than being explicit - can be more effective - eg might be something like 'Ah yes, some folk kinda good at twisting things' or 'Looks like we all need to carry a fact checker around these days!'

Brush it off and hold your head really high. You can currently see how this approach can work in some current affairs in the media.

These are just some suggestions. There might be others that are more helpful because when it builds up and up we do need to find a way through things so that our own health and wellbeing is not affected.

[NewtoFL]

What a nightmare! Another thought: buy your DIL the "Essential Family Guide to BPD" book. Maybe she'll recognize her SIL/your daughter in it?

[Joyinrepetition]

My USD sent me a horrible text a few years ago, which she knew I would show her father (my husband) apparently he is to blame for everything that went wrong in her childhood, even going so far as to say he was abusive (he wasn’t, just strict) My husband wrote her a very, very long letter explaining everything, going so far as to answer each allegation she made in the text. It was a great letter. But guess what? We never heard a single thing back from her, nothing whatsoever. My other DSD has also put the blame on the family for her own behaviour when she was a teenager. She frequently posts online about what a bad childhood she had, which gathers much sympathy. I feel numb to it all these days. But it helps knowing about BPD. Otherwise you can convince yourself that maybe some of what they are saying is true!

[KitKat68]

Hi kitkat68,

I would consider taking out a non molestation order against your dd. Luckily my udd has never smeared me online( to my knowledge) but she has often spoken badly about me to people who usually no nothing about the real situation. Taking it online is really on another level and difficult ignore as it reaches so much more people....so it could be time to take action.

I agree with you and have thought about what steps to take next should I ever be told about or stumble on another post of hers that turns out to be a smear campaign. I also don’t think another smear campaign is a matter of if, rather when.

[KitKat68]

What a nightmare! Another thought: buy your DIL the "Essential Family Guide to BPD" book. Maybe she'll recognize her SIL/your daughter in it?

That honestly sounds like a great idea and my son, her husband, once recommended a podcast to her which deals with BPD and in response she (DIL) said we were ganging up on my daughter and that she would prefer to make up her own mind about whether or not my daughter “even has BPD.” I was a bit taken aback by that reaction and also found it inappropriate.. My DIL is a smart young woman but she isn’t a psychiatrist and my daughter isn’t her patient. I wonder about her own boundaries and how influenced she’s been by my daughter to be flying this hard as her flying monkey.

Quite literally I’ve never seen anyone “gang up” on my daughter and come out of it unscathed. She has far too strong of a personality and in the past has resorted to physical violence to get her way or punish someone for daring to challenge her on anything. Which, in light of the things my DIL has been saying, makes it simple to conclude my daughter is doing a good job of playing the victim again.

I do hope my daughter is continuing to not engage in physical violence but my DIL may otherwise have to get burned by her to learn there’s a lot more than meets the eye with this situation,

[KitKat68]

I do hope my daughter is continuing to not engage in physical violence but my DIL may otherwise have to get burned by her to learn there’s a lot more than meets the eye with this situation,

I just want to be clear that I DON’T wish for my DIL to end up as a victim of violence at the hands of my daughter, especially not physical violence. But she will probably end up verbally abused if this flying monkey thing goes on long enough.

[KitKat68]

My USD sent me a horrible text a few years ago, which she knew I would show her father (my husband) apparently he is to blame for everything that went wrong in her childhood, even going so far as to say he was abusive (he wasn’t, just strict) My husband wrote her a very, very long letter explaining everything, going so far as to answer each allegation she made in the text. It was a great letter. But guess what? We never heard a single thing back from her, nothing whatsoever. My other DSD has also put the blame on the family for her own behaviour when she was a teenager. She frequently posts online about what a bad childhood she had, which gathers much sympathy. I feel numb to it all these days. But it helps knowing about BPD. Otherwise you can convince yourself that maybe some of what they are saying is true!

That’s the thing, these smear campaigns seem like they are coming from an angry, actual teenager and how do the people who do these things end up getting sympathy? For me, whenever I’ve seen anything like that posted on social media I always wonder what the point is. I don’t mean to sound callous (I’m sure there are some people who make posts like that who are telling the truth) but it just seems so attention grabby and immature. I had one parent who at times seemed like a huge narcissist and my other, still living parent is probably quiet BPD but still had a negative impact on me. That being said, I would feel foolish posting on Facebook or wherever about it. I’ve been to therapy and have dealt with my childhood, also not one to seek a ton of validation. But still.

Sorry, kinda went off the rails there for a bit.

I have given serious thought to writing a letter (or email) to my daughter, such as your husband did, but I’m concerned all I might get in return is retribution of some kind. She’s pretty vengeful. On one hand I want to tell her how I feel but on the other, not sure it’s worth it and it does make me feel anxious.

Of course, like you and your husband experienced, I may end up with no response at all. Which I can see happening if my daughter is strictly in a condescending disdain mode or if she sees anything in the letter which may start to trigger any shame.