just found out she's engaged

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'v had a relationship with a girl with bpd and bipolar for about 6 (3+3ish) years, though we had a break in between that time.

Our breakup was horrible, at least for me. She barely spoke with me for the last 6 months and I knew it was going to happen eventually, but one day she just texted me and broke it off. I had (and have...) nobody to talk to, my life was already in shambles due to health and financial issues, but it kinda feels like yesterday and another lifetime ago. I don't remember when she broke up with me, I'd have to check out history in chat and I'v been trying really hard not to try to talk to her or look at her pictures. I believe it's been a couple years since she broke up with me.

I'v dated since then a few times, but it never felt right again and I still feel attached to her. I had a real hard time on her birthday a couple months ago, I wanted to talk to her, but I didn't. I figured it would either ruin her birthday or she'd just shrug it off and I'd still feel just as bad. She tried to talk to me last year, just to see how I'v been and to be friends, but I cut her off, she's detached and just didn't put the same weight in the relationship as I did and I can't ever see her in any other way. If she was my friend, we'd still be together. In my mind, I can't see her in any other participating role in my life, but my partner. I can't just turn off my feelings.

Last time I came to the forums here I just had major surgery and I always felt bad about asking for help to strangers. Specially when I feel I can't or just am not retributing the help properly. Things haven't been a lot better and I think this is probably going to be the hardest month for me yet. Financially I have no way to keep bill at bay when next month starts, I'm currently sick on antibiotics and have a job interview in the morning and am feeling very anxious because of it. I barely have any voice and I'm afraid to put off the employer by coughing or something. I just picked up my phone to try to distract myself because I felt I was about to have a panic attack and when I opened Instagram, literally the first picture that shows to me it's a post from my ex's mother, a picture of my ex kissing another men in a boat with a sign behind her saying "Will you marry me?".
 
I don't even know what to say, my panic attack just changed to shock and I put 2 Klonopin in my mouth and came here. I don't usually take it, but felt like if I had it and ever needed to use it, it was going to be now.

I never stopped following her mom because I liked her, she treated me well and she hardly ever posted pics of my ex.

I have no idea what to do now. I think this is the most important part of my post. I just don't know what to do and the fact I can't move on and haven't even been able to date properly in 2 years or more is really disturbing and taking away my hope. I really can't see myself lasting another year and I'm 33. I have no friends, not much family support, I'm beyond financial ruin, I don't make enough to live, can't afford therapy anymore, my health has been horrible since covid, I live in a place filled with mold that's falling apart... I don't wanna die and really wanna turn my life around, but I'm really losing hope and time is running short.

[Hlinthewiking]

I'v had a relationship with a girl with bpd and bipolar for about 6 (3+3ish) years, though we had a break in between that time.

Our breakup was horrible, at least for me. She barely spoke with me for the last 6 months and I knew it was going to happen eventually, but one day she just texted me and broke it off. I had (and have...) nobody to talk to, my life was already in shambles due to health and financial issues, but it kinda feels like yesterday and another lifetime ago. I don't remember when she broke up with me, I'd have to check out history in chat and I'v been trying really hard not to try to talk to her or look at her pictures. I believe it's been a couple years since she broke up with me.

I'v dated since then a few times, but it never felt right again and I still feel attached to her. I had a real hard time on her birthday a couple months ago, I wanted to talk to her, but I didn't. I figured it would either ruin her birthday or she'd just shrug it off and I'd still feel just as bad. She tried to talk to me last year, just to see how I'v been and to be friends, but I cut her off, she's detached and just didn't put the same weight in the relationship as I did and I can't ever see her in any other way. If she was my friend, we'd still be together. In my mind, I can't see her in any other participating role in my life, but my partner. I can't just turn off my feelings.

Last time I came to the forums here I just had major surgery and I always felt bad about asking for help to strangers. Specially when I feel I can't or just am not retributing the help properly. Things haven't been a lot better and I think this is probably going to be the hardest month for me yet. Financially I have no way to keep bill at bay when next month starts, I'm currently sick on antibiotics and have a job interview in the morning and am feeling very anxious because of it. I barely have any voice and I'm afraid to put off the employer by coughing or something. I just picked up my phone to try to distract myself because I felt I was about to have a panic attack and when I opened Instagram, literally the first picture that shows to me it's a post from my ex's mother, a picture of my ex kissing another men in a boat with a sign behind her saying "Will you marry me?".
 
I don't even know what to say, my panic attack just changed to shock and I put 2 Klonopin in my mouth and came here. I don't usually take it, but felt like if I had it and ever needed to use it, it was going to be now.

I never stopped following her mom because I liked her, she treated me well and she hardly ever posted pics of my ex.

I have no idea what to do now. I think this is the most important part of my post. I just don't know what to do and the fact I can't move on and haven't even been able to date properly in 2 years or more is really disturbing and taking away my hope. I really can't see myself lasting another year and I'm 33. I have no friends, not much family support, I'm beyond financial ruin, I don't make enough to live, can't afford therapy anymore, my health has been horrible since covid, I live in a place filled with mold that's falling apart... I don't wanna die and really wanna turn my life around, but I'm really losing hope and time is running short.

[Hlinthewiking]

had to look. I thought it's been 2 years but she broke up with me july 20th 2023. It's been barely a year and she's engaged already. I can't...

[HoratioX]

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this, and I encourage to reach out for professional assistance, whether that's a therapist or a support service available in your community or through the Web or by phone. Please do seek support to help get you through this, both the emotional and the physical struggles.

That said, I had a similar though not the same experience to yours in that I was with my anxiety/CPTSD/BPD ex on and off for about five years or so. We went through periods of break up and nonspeaking to getting back together and intense physical and emotional interaction. I finally broke it off and went no-contact though she has reached out a few times. 

In the meantime, I believe she went back to her ex (who she was essentially cheated on to be with me and vice versa, though I never really understood this at the time because she lied) and more than likely is engaged or married to him by now since that seemed to be what she was driving toward. I'm reasonably confident that had I asked, she would have married me, too, but there simply was no way.

I say this because it helps to put things in perspective.

She is no doubt exactly the same person she was back then, even with someone else. I saw evidence of her cycles and patterns over and over. It didn't matter then, it won't matter now. That means all the turmoil, toxicity, and exhaustion she brings to a relationship is still there -- it's just now in his house. There is no cure for something like BPD. There is only treatment, and while someone can go into remission, it's not as common as it is uncommon.

What that means is my life is many factors better now than then. That doesn't mean I don't miss her in some ways since we tend to remember the good things. But the good things never, ever outweighed all the bad -- and all that bad is still with her.  It's just some other guy has to deal with it.

Don't be fooled by photos. People with issue are very, very good at staging things for effect or manipulation. Don't assume because you seem her looking happy she really is. I witnessed her many, many mood shifts and 180-degree pivots, most happening in mere moments with no transition. One moment stable, the next not. I witnessed her lie and cheat (though I wasn't cognizant of exactly what that was at the time because she lied to me about what she was doing). Whoever the guy is on the other end, I guarantee is being lied to and cheated on.

And through all this, try not to measure your worth and happiness with her as the yardstick. She is not. Your future is yours, and you can absolutely be happy without someone like that. I know I am. I don't miss the chaos or emotional turmoil. I am not only more contented but more complete. People like that, whether they mean to be or not, are abusive, and no one deserves to be abused. It sounds like there are a lot of things in your life to work out, and that's why I'd recommend you reach out for help from professionals. If you can't afford therapy, there may be service organizations in your community or even at a local college. Perhaps check online. The important part is not to lose sight of the bigger picture, of which you are a part and have great value and meaning. You deserve recovery, and more importantly, you deserve happiness.  You will find it if you seek it with the right people there to help. Good luck to you. Stay the course.

[Hlinthewiking]

Don't be fooled by photos. People with issue are very, very good at staging things for effect or manipulation. Don't assume because you seem her looking happy she really is. I witnessed her many, many mood shifts and 180-degree pivots, most happening in mere moments with no transition. One moment stable, the next not. I witnessed her lie and cheat (though I wasn't cognizant of exactly what that was at the time because she lied to me about what she was doing). Whoever the guy is on the other end, I guarantee is being lied to and cheated on.

And through all this, try not to measure your worth and happiness with her as the yardstick. She is not. Your future is yours, and you can absolutely be happy without someone like that. I know I am. I don't miss the chaos or emotional turmoil. I am not only more contented but more complete. People like that, whether they mean to be or not, are abusive, and no one deserves to be abused. It sounds like there are a lot of things in your life to work out, and that's why I'd recommend you reach out for help from professionals. If you can't afford therapy, there may be service organizations in your community or even at a local college. Perhaps check online. The important part is not to lose sight of the bigger picture, of which you are a part and have great value and meaning. You deserve recovery, and more importantly, you deserve happiness.  You will find it if you seek it with the right people there to help. Good luck to you. Stay the course.

Thanks for the response. I really appreciate the support.

It's not really the fact that she's in a better place than me. Though that does make me feel like I'm crazier than her. How can she be so much better adjusted in life than me? Like really, a galaxy away. I'm skipping meals and she's in a yatch or boat or whatever filled with roses and getting married. But the real problem for me is that I'm not over her and she's literally getting married so soon while I'm still wrecked and not being able to move on.

I knew it wasn't a good relationship, but I still loved her and I couldn't stop loving her. But her getting married kinda makes me realize I lost her forever. That's really the hardest thing for me right now. I was literally actively suppressing impulses to contact her. I really wanted to tell her how I feel, I don't know why, it wasn't even to get back together, but I felt the need to tell her and get it off my chest. Now I really don't think I can do that morally. I was wondering if she had moved on, I imagined she had a new boyfriend, but getting married. I really wasn't even considering the possibility. Catching me off guard like this is really crushing. I know a lot of hurtful things she did and could do and would do that I'd see, but this wasn't on the list.

I don't know why she's marrying someone so soon and even him. I don't know if he did it to save their relationship, like she wanted me to do while we were together but I refused or if they are just really in the high of the rollercoaster. Was she cheating on me with him or did she just meet him? I wish I had 3-4 more months of ignorance.

I'm writing this with a mug she gave me right in front of me btw. It's really really crushing to me. I wasn't really able to move much of her stuff that was left. To me it was like she was on vacation and we were still together.

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks for the response. I really appreciate the support.

It's not really the fact that she's in a better place than me. Though that does make me feel like I'm crazier than her. How can she be so much better adjusted in life than me? Like really, a galaxy away. I'm skipping meals and she's in a yatch or boat or whatever filled with roses and getting married. But the real problem for me is that I'm not over her and she's literally getting married so soon while I'm still wrecked and not being able to move on.

I knew it wasn't a good relationship, but I still loved her and I couldn't stop loving her. But her getting married kinda makes me realize I lost her forever. That's really the hardest thing for me right now. I was literally actively suppressing impulses to contact her. I really wanted to tell her how I feel, I don't know why, it wasn't even to get back together, but I felt the need to tell her and get it off my chest. Now I really don't think I can do that morally. I was wondering if she had moved on, I imagined she had a new boyfriend, but getting married. I really wasn't even considering the possibility. Catching me off guard like this is really crushing. I know a lot of hurtful things she did and could do and would do that I'd see, but this wasn't on the list.

I don't know why she's marrying someone so soon and even him. I don't know if he did it to save their relationship, like she wanted me to do while we were together but I refused or if they are just really in the high of the rollercoaster. Was she cheating on me with him or did she just meet him? I wish I had 3-4 more months of ignorance.

I'm writing this with a mug she gave me right in front of me btw. It's really really crushing to me. I wasn't really able to move much of her stuff that was left. To me it was like she was on vacation and we were still together.

MMM...so what makes you think she is so much better adjusted than you? Why are putting yourself down and essentially kicking your own self in the nuts and putting her on some mystical and mythical pedestal here? That doesn't make any sense my friend.

You are not crazy. You are hurt. Quit beating yourself up. This is not constructive. No it is not easy. Yes it sucks. However, cut yourself some slack here. Grieve, but do not put yourself down anymore okay?

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself. Head up now mister!

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[once removed]

it can be crushing to see an ex move on. even one that you are emotionally done with.

self doubt, doubt about the finality of the relationship, second thoughts, these things are not only common, but especially when an ex moves on. to a large extent, they are normal feelings. my ex and i broke up about 13 years ago now, i couldnt conjure up emotional pain around it if i tried, but i suspect if i found out tomorrow that she were engaged or married, id feel something, even if fleeting.

comparisons of ours to our exes are generally not constructive.

the fact is, couples break up, through no ones fault, because they werent right for each other. and yes, one of the hardest pills i had to swallow at the time, is that there is someone out there who is a better match for my ex than me. i can be a heck of a boyfriend. i was to my ex, at times. but there is no disputing, especially now, that we were not a match made forever. its a bit like saying i was the best track runner in olympic wrestling.

you and your ex werent either. thats not anyones fault, necessarily. it could be because of the differences between the two of you, or it could simply be a matter of luck and timing. sadly, those can be major factors, no matter how much time and effort we put into a relationship.

by the very nature of your existences, you were, from the beginning, on different journeys. your journeys, for a time, coincided. they harmonized, in ways, at times, and didnt, in others. the fact that one of you, or both of you, or neither of you, took steps to move on, is life; not a reflection on your now and once again separate journeys. think about it. you have lots of other exes. if you have any kind of tabs on any of them, you probably dont take their relationship success as a slight against you.

if you do, it is a sign, not much more, not much less, of where you are in your own detachment process. this understandably hurt. maybe youll bounce back in a few days, and it wont. maybe it will for a long time. what i would encourage you to do, either way, is to observe it and listen to what its telling you.

your wounds are clearly unresolved. this opened them up. while it hurts, it does present an opportunity to address, and to heal.

[HoratioX]

Thanks for the response. I really appreciate the support.

It's not really the fact that she's in a better place than me. Though that does make me feel like I'm crazier than her. How can she be so much better adjusted in life than me? Like really, a galaxy away. I'm skipping meals and she's in a yatch or boat or whatever filled with roses and getting married. But the real problem for me is that I'm not over her and she's literally getting married so soon while I'm still wrecked and not being able to move on.

I knew it wasn't a good relationship, but I still loved her and I couldn't stop loving her. But her getting married kinda makes me realize I lost her forever. That's really the hardest thing for me right now. I was literally actively suppressing impulses to contact her. I really wanted to tell her how I feel, I don't know why, it wasn't even to get back together, but I felt the need to tell her and get it off my chest. Now I really don't think I can do that morally. I was wondering if she had moved on, I imagined she had a new boyfriend, but getting married. I really wasn't even considering the possibility. Catching me off guard like this is really crushing. I know a lot of hurtful things she did and could do and would do that I'd see, but this wasn't on the list.

I don't know why she's marrying someone so soon and even him. I don't know if he did it to save their relationship, like she wanted me to do while we were together but I refused or if they are just really in the high of the rollercoaster. Was she cheating on me with him or did she just meet him? I wish I had 3-4 more months of ignorance.

I'm writing this with a mug she gave me right in front of me btw. It's really really crushing to me. I wasn't really able to move much of her stuff that was left. To me it was like she was on vacation and we were still together.

I'm going to make some assumptions here. If they're wrong, then please disregard. If not, perhaps use them as food for thought.

For starters, keep in mind that a woman moving on is almost always easier than a man moving on, at least in terms of finding another relationship quickly. Women are hit on all the time. Women are pursued all the time. They have a herd of potential suitors around them. It's the nature of things. They typically have no shortage of possibilities.

No, not all women.  But many, perhaps most, and the more attractive, the more opportunities. Even an attractive man may not have as many because, in general, he's expected to make the first move, to be the pursuer, etc. And it's a funny thing. A physically attractive woman can get hit on for no other reason than that. Her personality can be crap because who cares. She may be dumb as a post. But a physically attractive man isn't necessary automatically desirable by that alone. If you don't believe that, just ask some female friends or relatives about how many times they've seen a physically attractive man and not been interested.

Some of what you may be going through is resentment that, real or perceived, she has more power. That is, she could so quickly and easily move on. That marriage is in the cards may be even more problematic because that not only involved speed but intensity. If you're not in a relationship, or if you don't feel you have the same power, then it can be a tremendous blow to self esteem and mental health on top of the pain from a breakup.

But keep this in mind: She's mentally and emotional unstable. If she's attractive, she'll turn to the first person who gives her attention. She'll take things too far too fast, and if the guy isn't aware or isn't strong, he'll not only take the bait, but he'll be manipulated pretty quickly into something that in the long run almost certainly will be to his detriment.

She's not doing it for love. She's not doing it for lust. She's doing it to fulfill a giant mentally ill hole that is never going to be filled, in part because every time it comes close, she's going to dump out whatever was filling it and ruin everything so she can start over. That is how she cycles. I saw it firsthand with my ex.

Now, if you're alone and feel powerless, maybe that's small consolation. But the reality is she's the weak one. She's willing to be with whoever to try to fulfill a need that never gets resolved, and whoever that poor sap is, he's in for a far worse time than you had because he put a ring on her finger -- a ring that will mean next to nothing to her in terms of real values like love. He's just a tool to be used. And the first time he doesn't fulfill whatever lunatic need she has, she will look for it from someone else.

You, on the other hand, now have the power and freedom to move on, to not be used, to not be a tool. You're miles ahead of her. Her marriage might last a while, even years, but I can all but guarantee it will be filled with tears, turmoil, and misery, even if he is highly codependent and a door mat to her whims. And keep in mind for every public photo or declaration of happiness, there is a corresponding story of hardship and insanity that is not being spoken by her. But it's there. And the more pics and stories she posts of how great things are, the worse it really is.

If those souvenirs bother you, box them up or throw them out. I put away more than a few things that were from her or reminded me of her, but stuff that had more than sentimental value I kept. In time, it becomes easier to see them, and the stronger you get, the more they remind you that you escaped.

Something else I'll say, and this one is a little tougher. Forgive me if it sounds insulting because I don't mean it to be. A lot of women with BPD choose a significant other that may not be in quite the same league in terms of physical attraction. No, that is not always true, but since they're often using the other person rather than loving them in a healthy way, they want control. They also want their insecurities eased. If they think their significant other can just go out and replace them, it bothers them to no end.

Mine was intensely jealous of any woman who so much as chatted with me casually -- servers, bartenders, coworkers, etc. She met one of my exes I'm cordial with and spent half an hour afterward running her down when that other ex is by every objective standard pretty attractive.  And if that ex had spent as much time as her doing things to make herself attractive -- dieting, constantly hitting the gym, wearing impeccable hair and make up, dressing in tailored clothes, etc. -- they would have been evenly matched.  Now, I don't know if she thought she was out of my league, but I do know it was a constant threat to her that I could move on if I wanted to.

If you don't already feel that way, do some healthy things to get you there. Exercise. Eat right. Reduce stress. We're attractive not just because of our features but also our attitudes. You'll find people gravitating more to you. As you do, take some pics with them, especially the women. Post those on your social media. Just show yourself being out there and having fun. You'll feel better about yourself, and if your ex is checking up on you, I can all but guarantee it'll knock her sideways not too differently than hers are you. No, I'm not saying to do that for revenge or anything nefarious. I'm just saying that's how much an illusion social media really is. The important thing is the self improvement. And as you improve, you will not only feel better, but you'll feel less less a need to get happiness from her.

[seekingtheway]

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It sounds like you've been through a lot and you're dealing with a lot of heartbreak and pain. I know you mentioned it's actually closer to one year in your other comment - and a year is absolutely par for the course when it comes to dealing with heartbreak. I hope you can be gentle with yourself by knowing that it can and often does take a very long time time to deal with the pain and grief of a lost relationship and the dreams that were associated with that relationship. Often into the years. Please give yourself understanding about this just being the process.

I just wanted to come back to what you said here:

I have no idea what to do now. I think this is the most important part of my post. I just don't know what to do and the fact I can't move on and haven't even been able to date properly in 2 years or more is really disturbing and taking away my hope. I really can't see myself lasting another year and I'm 33. I have no friends, not much family support, I'm beyond financial ruin, I don't make enough to live, can't afford therapy anymore, my health has been horrible since covid, I live in a place filled with mold that's falling apart... I don't wanna die and really wanna turn my life around, but I'm really losing hope and time is running short.

It sounds a little bit like you're seeing the mountain of healing in front of you as being one that is difficult to climb. I think it's important to focus on very small steps when things feel this tough. Focus on the basics, and build from there. Is there something small you could choose that would help you through the next few weeks? How is your sleep? And your diet? Are you getting any exercise? Would focusing on any of these things help?

Also, I don't know if your living situation is something you are able to change, but if you feel your current home is making you sick, then I can understand why it would feel really hard to make any meaningful changes.

It will seem like it's all too much if you look at the big picture right now, but if you choose just one or two things and try your best to commit to changing those things, progress can be built from there. It's not always a linear journey, there can be set-backs, and that's okay too, but you will definitely make progress over time. Just be patient and kind with yourself as you go.

[Hlinthewiking]

Thank you all for the responses. I don't have anybody to talk to at the moment, so it does mean a lot to me to be able to discuss this with you. I will shorten the quotes to what I'm addressing mostly, but I'm answering to the whole quote at the same time. I just want to avoid clutter and make it easier to read.

MMM...so what makes you think she is so much better adjusted than you? Why are putting yourself down and essentially kicking your own self in the nuts and putting her on some mystical and mythical pedestal here? That doesn't make any sense my friend.

It's mostly because of financial problems. I can't describe how bad things are. I will need to borrow money, just so I can cover the bills that I already own by the end of the month and still have a place to receive earning from my work.

She's going out, having fun, in a yacht and literally can't afford to go out. I skip meals and intentionally forget to take meds so they last longer. And the problem is that my line of work I need to sell myself, I can't simply go to work and get paid. If I'm this depressed and down, I can't sell myself, I feel like crap and it's impossible to convince others that they should spend their money on me. Then the fact I can't force myself to get into the mind state to advertise my services or do it anyway, it makes me feel crazier than her, since this can actually make me homeless and going homeless in my country isn't something that can be temporary.

...one of the hardest pills i had to swallow at the time, is that there is someone out there who is a better match for my ex than me. i can be a heck of a boyfriend. i was to my ex, at times. but there is no disputing, especially now, that we were not a match made forever. its a bit like saying i was the best track runner in olympic wrestling.

...maybe youll bounce back in a few days, and it wont. maybe it will for a long time. what i would encourage you to do, either way, is to observe it and listen to what its telling you.

your wounds are clearly unresolved. this opened them up. while it hurts, it does present an opportunity to address, and to heal.

That's really rough for me. It's a lot better than than it was. In my past relationships I really wasted a lot of time with this problem. If there was a way for the relationship work with anybody, I felt there had to be a way that I could change or do in order to make it work with me. But it does take 2 to tango, so now that I'm older maybe I'll give 5 chances, but if the other person doesn't care about putting work, I don't stress myself in going on. This was the main reason I never married her. I just didn't want to give up on her. I would have broken up with her if she didn't break up with me, that's why I never even tried to get back to her or try to convince her not to break up with me. But it's still hard for me to let go.. I'll talk more in depth about it replying to the next quote

I'm going to make some assumptions here. If they're wrong, then please disregard. If not, perhaps use them as food for thought.

For starters, keep in mind that a woman moving on is almost always easier than a man moving on, at least in terms of finding another relationship quickly. Women are hit on all the time. Women are pursued all the time. They have a herd of potential suitors around them. It's the nature of things. They typically have no shortage of possibilities...

Something else I'll say, and this one is a little tougher. Forgive me if it sounds insulting because I don't mean it to be. A lot of women with BPD choose a significant other that may not be in quite the same league in terms of physical attraction. No, that is not always true, but since they're often using the other person rather than loving them in a healthy way, they want control. They also want their insecurities eased. If they think their significant other can just go out and replace them, it bothers them to no end.

Mine was intensely jealous of any woman who so much as chatted with me casually -- servers, bartenders, coworkers, etc...

If you don't already feel that way, do some healthy things to get you there. Exercise. Eat right. Reduce stress. We're attractive not just because of our features but also our attitudes. You'll find people gravitating more to you. As you do, take some pics with them, especially the women. Post those on your social media. Just show yourself being out there and having fun. You'll feel better about yourself, and if your ex is checking up on you, I can all but guarantee it'll knock her sideways not too differently than hers are you. No, I'm not saying to do that for revenge or anything nefarious. I'm just saying that's how much an illusion social media really is. The important thing is the self improvement. And as you improve, you will not only feel better, but you'll feel less less a need to get happiness from her.

This is actually a big problem for me in the past years. I'v always been dating up and my ex used to be an international model and I sometimes get afraid it will make me feel less attracted to other women. I used to beat myself up for this, but I can't help it, I tried being with girls who are nice but I'm not very attracted to and it just doesn't work. Sometimes I get attracted to girls that most people don't find very attractive, but I never know when I'll find someone who attracts me. Since my ex that didn't happen and it's been the longest time since I lost my virginity, so it terrifies me.

I take no offense at all, and it actually reminds me of people my ex used to use as slaves while we were together and it really bothered me, not only feeling bad for those guys, but also felt bad cuz I felt she was still cheating on me by interacting and letting other guys hit on her and do things for her.
I have many problems, but thankfully this isn't one of them, I actually look ok and I don't look as good and as muscular as I was before I got sick, but meeting women isn't an issue. I just can't do casual sex and I haven't been attracted to anybody available since my ex. This is very concerning to me, I'm not used to being celibate for this long and the engine used to work too well before and I'm afraid something might break if it doesn't get used... ...

This is just so unexpected... I don't know how to react. It's been so fast, I did so much for me, she brushed me off like nothing and getting married with someone she seems to have met less than a year from now is really really odd. She was very "free spirited", being really generous and polite with that statement and this was something that was important for me, not her. I want to get married since before I was 7 and she eventually changed her mind while with me, but she never put the importance in marriage like I did. I doubt it means anything to her like you said yourself. It's about the attention, the gifts and theatrical aspects, once it sets it will be hell, I know.

In her defense, she said she wanted to get married a lot months before she left, but she wasn't ready. I'v been ready for a long time, but I refuse to marry someone to attempt to fix a relationship or get into something that I know isn't going to work, specially since I wanna have kids. But she used to say repeatedly she wanted to get married, but at the same time, she literally would ignore me anytime we were together, just stayed on the phone, barely had sex with me, she'd only want to have sex in dangerous/public conditions and would still make me responsible for all her feelings, sometimes she made me feel like I was a court jester. I was weak enough not to break up with her and hope she changed, but not dumb enough to marry her in those conditions. It really feels like a mockery of my goals tbh, I have to admit I'm bitter about it.

Maybe it will even help me move on, cuz I was still restraining myself to contact her and still thought going back was a possibility, now it seems she killed it. I'm just afraid I can't detach myself, I can't imagine if she gotten pregnant now. This was all my fault, it's mainly why I'v been so careful dating lately. When I met her, I saw how crazy she was and just said eff it cuz of how attractive she was and ended up falling for her.

Worse thing right now is being in this financial situation and not being able to do what I know I have to do to get out of this situation and it's really terrifying me. Seeing her after all the crazy things that happened, being more adjusted than me in society it's something hard to consider and sometimes I really think I must be crazier than her. Just not in the same selfish way, but that ends up being bad cuz if I don't take care of me, nobody will. I'v been seeing patients for free even sometimes just out of utter disgust of how poorly I'm paid. They (hospital/clinics/insurance) literally take 4 months to pay me and in the end I get as much as a donut and a coffee per patient. If I were more selfish there are plenty of things I could do to earn more and every other doctor/dietitian does it but I refuse, feels imoral to me, but it also feels like lack of self preservation in the state I'm in right now. Odd place to be.

... Focus on the basics, and build from there. Is there something small you could choose that would help you through the next few weeks? How is your sleep? And your diet? Are you getting any exercise? Would focusing on any of these things help?...

That's what I'v been trying to do since last week. It feel like all I can do now, so I'v been trying to eat, sleep and do pt/exercises a bit more. It's far from perfect but I'v been forcing myself to work on it.

[seekingtheway]

If you've already been forcing yourself to focus on these small building blocks of health and wellness, that's great. Keep going with that and see where it takes you.

I hear you that your financial situation is causing you a lot of stress, and is the main thing that is making you feel like you haven't got things together. But what I'm hearing you say is that you don't feel well enough to change that at the moment. So focus on getting well. The work/financial side of things will begin to follow the better you feel.

There can be a lot of peace in acceptance. And it's easier said than done to just accept things as they are, that's a process in itself. But accepting that this is where you're at right now, and it's okay to be where you're at. In fact, when you look at the big picture, it makes sense. You're not meant to be skipping on rainbows after a big heartbreak. You're doing the hard work of going through the pain, rather than avoiding it, which is potentially what your ex is doing.

I know it really hurts to see that your ex has moved on. That stuff is really hard. My ex posted a picture of himself and his new partner four hours after he broke up with me. I remember how terrible that felt. But once I accepted that this is what he had done, there was actually some help in the finality of that. It helped me to move on and not have any want or need to contact him. It became easier to detach. So even though it may not feel like it right now, this latest development might actually work in your favour in terms of helping you along the path of detachment.

Please keep posting as you move through your journey. Lots of people here who get it.

[Clearmind]

If you find the time search up the posts from the member pdquick. His ex married the next-door neighbour only weeks after they split. That was 15 odd years ago and now I believe she has married 3 times since destroying each one of them to the stage of financial ruin.

I wanted to talk to her, but I didn't. I figured it would either ruin her birthday or she'd just shrug it off

Yes I think we often try to reach out to see if they are still thinking about us.
Object permanence is basically the idea that things still exist even when you can't see or hear them. It's something babies usually get a grip on around 8 to 12 months old. When it comes to BPD, this concept can really affect how people view and handle their relationships and emotions.
So now we can really appreciate how it might feel for our exes. The real wake-up call comes when we take a moment to think about why we want to reach out, especially when we know deep down that we’re not going to get what we’re hoping for. It’s like understanding that urge and realising it might be more about our own feelings than about actually connecting with them.

Last time I came to the forums here I just had major surgery and I always felt bad about asking for help to strangers.

You have gone through a stressful time – I hope you are feeling better.

That feeling bad about reaching out…let’s dig down….Is it?
-   Low self-worth - struggle to believe that your needs are valid or worthy of attention
-   Fear of rejection - worry about how the other person will respond
-   Desire for Control - prefer to maintain control and may view asking for help as relinquishing that control
-   Fear of Burdening Others - requests for help will inconvenience others or make them feel obligated to provide support.

In my mind, I can't see her in any other participating role in my life, but my partner. I can't just turn off my feelings.

Yes, this is “in your mind” – I have no doubt. Let’s try rephrasing this so it fits more with the heart and reality…

"I recognise that my feelings for her are strong, and I value the connection we had as partners. I'm open to exploring what my life looks like moving forward, including finding the 'why' behind my choices so I can build a healthy relationship that truly fulfills my needs without second-guessing myself two years later."

Detaching is so so hard! This is a turning point for you and you are in the right place asking the right questions.

haven't even been able to date properly in 2 years or more is really disturbing and taking away my hope. I really can't see myself lasting another year and I'm 33. I have no friends, not much family support, I'm beyond financial ruin, I don't make enough to live, can't afford therapy anymore, my health has been horrible since covid, I live in a place filled with mold that's falling apart... I don't wanna die and really wanna turn my life around, but I'm really losing hope and time is running short.

I’m really sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed given everything you’re facing.
Many nonprofits provide mental health services, and some may offer online support, which can be more accessible. There are lots of workshops here on the board.

Start with small, achievable goals to regain a sense of control. This could be as simple as establishing a daily routine, setting aside a few minutes for self-care, or decluttering your space. Celebrate each small success to build momentum.
 
Prioritise small steps toward improving your health. This could include regular walks, practicing mindfulness or meditation, or trying free online exercise videos.

Look for community events, workshops, or classes that interest you.

Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these challenges. It’s okay to feel lost or overwhelmed, and recognising your feelings is the first step toward healing.

Write…a LOT! Re-read what you have written over and over again.