exhausted and hurt

[nats0720]

I've read through a few of the posts here and it's like we are living each other's lives. What a heartbreaking journey.

My daughter, 22, has left me dumbstruck at how gullible I can be, how desperate I am, and how manipulative she is. A month ago I was told I was a great mom and did everything I could for her. This week? I'm the worst person alive.

Over a year ago, she was living out west and about to be fired from her job. The owner of the business had reached out to me out of concern. Her landlord hadn't been paid in over a month, she was showing up to work drunk, and she was spiraling out of control. I talked with her and we both came to the conclusion the situation she was in was not sustainable. She applied to art school, we moved her out closer to us, got her a terrific apartment, and thought, "Okay, fresh start, she's going to survive this."

Fast forward a year and probably close to $70,000 later ... she failed out of art school and has lost two jobs. She didn't let on that there was an issue at school until it was too late and she received a letter stating she would not be "invited back." My name is on the lease and I pay her rent monthly. She doesn't have a full-time job and to my knowledge, is close to losing the one job she has because of part-time cutbacks. (This is her version of the story and I don't trust anything she says to me). Over the past year she has stolen from us and lied to us. She is so promiscuous that it is terrifying. She claims she is an alcoholic and then also claims she has been "sober" for two months (I doubt this is true).

I've tried to be a supportive parent. I was trying so hard for us not to go back to where we were five years ago, which was at each other's throats as she had been arrested for selling drugs. Thankfully she was under 18 and it was all expunged from her record, but that was our lives for 2+ years. Then, after I moved out east, I discovered she had been arrested again for stealing from an employer. Again, thankfully, she was able to go back into a program that prevented it from going on her record. In retrospect, I almost wish she had been forced to deal with some sort of consequences because she learned nothing - as evidenced by stealing from us.

We are where we are now because I finally have nothing left to give, so I started bugging her about getting a job to pay at least 2/3 of her rent. This has made me a "terrible mother," and she is doing all she can to "stay sober, not relapse, or end up in a psych-ward." It's all manipulation, even if it's true it feels manipulative. Her unwillingness to step up to the plate is what blows me away. This is a kid who once had a work ethic and criticized the trust fund kids she grew up around; now she acts like one (and she's not!).

She's dating some guy who is from the "cheap seats," which I know sounds terrible. He has a 4-year-old daughter and calls her mom "baby mama," so that gives an indication as to who he is. All I can think is if she doesn't pull it together, she will be living in the cheap seats as baby mama #2. 

I don't understand, and honestly, I am terrified about getting a phone call that she's been raped or she's dead. She doesn't have a gauge of what is safe behavior, let alone a sense of responsibility. It's like dealing with a 3-year-old; you can't rationalize with them. You're the bad guy. You're to blame. She doesn't care how her actions impact my life.

I liken this whole thing to mountaineering. You have to not be afraid to cut the rope if someone on the rope can't go on, and that's where I am. But it hurts so much. I told her I would only pay half the rent come October 1 and if she doesn't have the money, then it's on her to find a new place to live. I have thought eventually she'll come around, especially with the NBA season coming up (we have season tickets and she's usually the recipient of tickets we can't use), but she'll be nice to me so she can use the tickets. Will I cave?

I miss my kid. I miss who she used to be. I miss our inside jokes and texts throughout the day. I'll miss going to a basketball game with her. I'll miss a lot.

I think one of the toughest things as a parent is coming to terms with our children not being who we wanted them to be. She's an exceptional artist and tailor; she's so talented and right now that talent is lost. She lacks discipline and self-control. I have no idea what's happening in her life right now because she hasn't talked with me in over a week -- you know, because I demanded that she pay half her rent as of October 1 and that makes me a terrible parent.

My sadness is impacting my wellbeing. It's so hard for me to motivate to do anything. I grieve for my child because I feel so much of her is gone. This is an incredibly lonely existence being a parent of an adult-child with BPD. You would not tolerate any of this behavior from anyone else, but we tolerate it from our kids because they are our kids. She's a jerk, I've said worse, but she's an insufferable, self-centered, lying sack of ... I quit feeling guilty for saying this about her. I have to have the courage to say it for my own sake. I can't keep pretending she's this exceptional kid when she's a low key grifter who would send me C.O.D. if given the chance.

Are these forums worth it? Does anyone read these posts? You have to look for those who are also dealing with similar situations because nothing prepares you for the enormous Sisyphean ordeal that is this BPD life. I feel like I need therapy for all she has put me/us through.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[NewtoFL]

I am so sorry...it's like I'm reading a post about my daughter. When I first suspected BPD with my then 17-year old, my therapist recommended reading "The Essential Family Guide to BPD" by Kreger. She also recommended this blog to help me see I'm not alone and be supported by others going through the same thing. I also enrolled in the NEABPD Family Connections course. Your own post seemed to acknowledge what you need to do: lament what will likely never be and radically accept what is. Don't let this illness take you down, too. I hate that adage: I'm only as happy as my unhappiest child. I pray you can find your joy. Read that book, get educated on how to communicate and set boundaries with someone with BPD, and then live YOUR life. There are many who understand and share your heartbreak.

[BPDstinks]

hi!  I read them (I am actually close to tears reading yours!)  I understand 1000 percent!  My 24 y/o BPD daughter just dropped us (my husband, her sister, her beautiful nieces, who "we" practically" raised.  Like you, I know in my heart, I did EVERYthing, researched every course, read every book, to try to be supportive, like you, i mourn what WAS (I look at pictures sometimes and think "was it REAL?" I mourn what we are missing (2 summers "gone" no contact) I mourn, what i thought she WOULD be doing (she was a Manager at the restaurant she worked at for 6 years, I found out, from a staff member at the restaurant she QUIT! she works at a daycare (?); I just miss my daughter!  However, I was at a point where I could barely get out of bed, I was so depressed & my therapist had me read "The High 5 Challenge" and that helped me sooo much!  Fast forward, it has been 18 months; I feel like I have made it "through" the first round of missed holidays (that was horrible!) her bday (i cheated that day & did not get out of bed!); the first time I did not receive any acknowledgment on Mother's Day and my bday)....does it get better? no but, it becomes a bit easier to deal with...my heart hurts for you....just hang in there and take it day by day!

[js friend]

Hi Nats0720,

My udd is 31yo and I found this website when she was 15yo. I can honestly say that without the support from this community im really not sure where i would be now. There are so many similarities to all the stories I read here and I take comfort in knowing that Iam not alone, which isnt even nice to admit but its true. Yesterday someone asked me how my grandchildren are. I bluffed it and said They're fine thanks." In reality I havent seen my grandchildren in 4years because my udd wont allow it. (I only know that they are ok because Iam in touch with udd's ex.....if she found out we would all have h3ll to pay!)
 I feel that it is only here that I can be brutally honest. Often times I wonder what this experience of having a dd with bpd has taught me and I can say that I have become more resilient and Iam stronger than I ever thought I would be and on the other hand also perhaps a lot more cynical than the average person, but it is what it and I have to accept it. My way forward is/was to look after yourself, keep busy, be mindful and enjoy life the best you can. Therapy/ posting here for all we have been/going through here is absolutely justified for what we are going through. We are real and here to support you.

[BPDstinks]

Nats!  I am so sorry...that must be so painful not to see your granddchildren (i understand....as if i don't have enough issues with my pw BPD (daughter) every now & than my granddchildren's mother plays the "you are not seeing them card" (don't know what HER issue is) anyway...I always flounder when someone asks how pw BPD is, I just say, "great, working at new job (FB stalking!) etc.; what is worse is all of my close friends and I have children the same age & they are hesitant to ask OR share there children's successes (it makes me sad and, if I am being honest, jealous) so...I break the ice & tell them go ahead and ask/talk!  such a sad scenario, isn't it?

[nats0720]

Thank you for your responses; I cried as I read through them. I cry and grieve for each of us as this is such unfair pain and circumstances. I received a text from her this morning, not to check-in or to see how I was doing, but to say she was broke and needed money to buy food for herself and the cats (who had apparently been eating raw hamburger for two days -- don't know the validity of that story). I sent her $100 Target gift card and I didn't even want to do that. I asked where the rest of her money had gone, but why? Why bother asking if I know all I get back will be lies? Why do we set ourselves up for disappointment?

I woke up this morning stating to myself that today was going to be different than the last week of my life. I would get up, have a good morning, and do the things on my to-do list. Then I saw the text and the next thing I knew it was an hour later and, once again, my life was consumed with her drama.

When do you draw the red line? I think boundaries are too movable and left open to interpretation. A red line is solid. They all seem to share three behaviors/traits that fall under this red line: Blame (it's all someone else's fault, most likely ours); Shame and/or self pity (I'm no good, I'm a failure, etc.); and, excuses. Above that line is the ability to TAKE responsibility, not just accept it, but TAKE it. "I did this, I hurt you, I screwed this up." People with BPD lack the willingness to take responsibility for their actions and the impact they have on other's lives. They are incredibly and horribly self-absorbed. It's a constant cycle of not wanting to get the help they need, stick to the therapy, be admitted into a facility, etc., they are so caught up in their own cycles of drama that they don't know when or how to stop the ride. 

She said something last week that stung at the time, but once I thought about it, I realized she was right. She said, "We wouldn't be friends outside of this relationship." At the time, I felt so wounded, but this morning I thought, "She's right, we wouldn't be. I would stay as far away from her as possible because I would never allow this amount of drama and hot messiness in my life. I wouldn't hire her to work for me, I wouldn't allow her in my home to watch my cats, I wouldn't let her drive my car. I wouldn't call her for advice." Realizing this was freeing. 

She asked if I would participate in her therapy session next Tuesday because she "doesn't trust us to have a productive conversation on our own." To translate, she doesn't want to hear the truth about her actions impacting those around her. I said yes and I'm cautiously approaching this as I feel like she will attempt to control the narrative and I will look like the Joan Crawford of 2024 (which trust me, I'm not). 

To those who replied, thank you. I am sorry for all that you go through and it's a thankless and tortuous job we have as parents on a good day, let alone every day with these kids/adults. It's extremely lonely. Have your kids lied to you about Mother's Day or birthday cards that never materialize? I would guess their flavor of the month, eg, the new boyfriend/girlfriend is probably showered in gifts and loving words ... while we don't even get the leftovers. 

How are you taking care of yourself this week?

[CC43]

Hi Nats,

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this.  I have a stepdaughter diagnosed with BPD, and I can relate to the numerous "fresh starts," new school enrolments, new apartments and therapy programs that seem full of promise at first, but invariably she unravels, quits and basically flushes our hard-earned money down the toilet.  Dropping classes, breaking leases and quitting jobs after the initial training period is the norm.  Alas, she's the one who decides to quit everything, but whom does she blame?  Her family, of course.  The victim attitude is pervasive, convenient and extremely destructive.

Look, it might not be much consolation, but my current thinking about BPD is that it's basically a serious emotional handicap.  And since I'm analytical, I'd rate my stepdaughter's emotional age at only 70% of her chronological age.  At 18, she was the emotional equivalent of a tween.  At 21, she's functioning like a 15 year old.  Now that she's in her mid 20s, she's operating at an emotional maturity of an 18 year old (barely).  And maybe when she's 30, she'll be a young adult, emotionally speaking.  Maybe that's why some experts say BPD symptoms can ease in the 30s.

By the same token, my stepdaughter was facing an adult world with the emotional skills of a child.  Think tantrums, impulsiveness, self-centeredness, distress intolerance, reactivity and impatience.  Yet in an adult world, she's expected to organize her life, work (or study) around eight hours a day, take care of herself, and handle complex relationships, all by herself.  As she bumped up against the world, she just couldn't handle it, because her emotional skills were retarded.  It's almost no wonder she couldn't cope.

I suspect that my stepdaughter thought she'd live like a princess as an adult.  When she discovered what real adulthood was like, she was not only disillusioned, but extremely anxious about the future.  "Adulting" was really stressing her out.  Imagine, she discovered that she was failing in college, got kicked out of her dorm, and couldn't handle a romantic relationship.  It must have been a huge blow to her self-esteem.  She started self-medicating with marijuana.  That ruined her motivation and made her BPD symptoms even worse.  And now she had to tell her family that she was failing.  Rather than own up to the situation and take responsibility--or find solutions, like getting a tutor or changing majors--she lied about it.  After all, she wanted to go on spring break.

How does she cope with the situation?  Well, not as a parent would like.  She tries to move in with another boy, but that doesn't pan out.  She thinks she can get an apartment herself, but when a landlord asks to see a pay stub, she realizes she needs a parent to co-sign.  She can't endure going back home and facing the music.  So what does she do?  She attempts suicide and lands in the hospital.  From there she creates a victim narrative.  Her roommates bullied her.  No, they assaulted her.  She was raped, but she doesn't remember when.  She thinks her dad might have molested her.  Her siblings and mother assaulted her.  At first I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but the timelines and fact patterns just didn't add up.  I think she made up every single story, even if she appeared to believe them.  But the stories served to blame others for all her own poor choices.  And they were a way for her to re-cast the past, turning herself into a victim.  She obsesses about the past as a way to avoid thinking about the future, which is way too scary for her.  Marijuana served the same purpose, but it makes her BPD symptoms much, much worse.

Anyway, your daughter is only 22.  That seems to be a prime time for the emergence of the worst of the BPD symptoms, as she bumps up against adult life, with an adult body, adult privileges and an adult pocketbook, but she's emotionally handicapped.  She can get herself into all sorts of trouble as she tries to solve her problems--possibly failing school, getting fired, finding housing, etc.--and yet her planning and decision-making skills are sorely lacking.  If you see her in this light, you might feel sorry for her.  I think she really needs help.  And if she's dealing with substance abuse, that's an added complication.  But she's still young enough that she could turn her life around.

However, just because someone has BPD, it does not give them a free pass to abuse people.  That's where boundaries come in handy.  And my advice would be not to take your daughter's accusations personally.  Chances are, she's projecting her own negative feelings onto you.  Does she call you narcissistic, psychopathic, rude, heartless, self-centered, abusive, terrible and a lying b*?  She's likely describing herself, not you.  Similarly, if in the past she's gotten what she wants from you (e.g. money) by screaming and throwing fits (or the text equivalent), then she'll up the ante to get more money from you.  Why?  Because it worked in the past.  Screaming and throwing fits at a parent is way easier and more effective than working at a job.

Anyway, my stepdaughter had to hit bottom before she decided that she wanted to get better and started taking therapy seriously.  It was terrible seeing her suffer so much, but in a way, it was probably necessary, because that gave her the motivation to change.  She is doing much better now.  Though she's had some setbacks, and she's far from living  independently, we're not fearing for her life constantly.  And today, there is more good news than bad news.

[NewtoFL]

I hate this for us!!! ARGH! How am I taking care of myself this week, you ask? I've stopped looking at my phone after a certain hour so she can't spin me up as I'm trying to fall asleep. I'm exercising. I read an amazing book that I am taking notes from and I reflect on those like a mantra when I'm falling into negative thought patterns, and I'm leaning into my faith. It sounds so pathetic to have to do this to communicate with your child, but I typed up a list of "go to" responses to use when she's spinning up. I stick with those BPD-approved statements and it usually helps to either diffuse the situation, or she hangs up in frustration (which tells me I was successful--either way a win!). Keep leaning in for support--you are not alone!!!

[BPDstinks]

Goodness, my head just spins for all of you!  funny you ask how we are taking care of (that is nice!  noone ever asks me!) well...i had a bad moment, because I check FB to make sure my BPD is alive (true statement) (that is one of the things that pushed the envelope...I told her I drove my her job (right next to my office) and she FLIPPED (how does one treat someone that had you HIDE her pills so she does not OD, put her knives away, force feed her b/c she refused to eat (I know you know i could go on) I deliberately put my phone away during the day (I used to check EVERY morning  EVERY night for a tiny text!) I have come to this (love the word FREEING) conclusion:  she looks happy, she is contact with my mother (bonus!); I understand the DELUSION (from much research); at the risk of sounding like a martyr, if i am her "trigger", I can wait...it is better she is ALIVE (my situation is just BIZARRE (quick version...my son does not speak to me, because he cut off contact with his infant daughter, demanded I do so (I will NOT) (fast forward, I am grandma to her 2 siblings, too...so, that was a bittersweet win for me (I have not heard from my son for 6 years!) and my sister does not speak to me (my sister does not like my niece's husband, so, refused to participate in her WEDDING, so, I "stepped in" (what was ONE to do...I adore my niece) so, it seems like doing KIND things are not working in my favor; anyway, I digress, I think the whole thing is just a hot mess & wish there was a rewind! (though...i don't know what I would have done differently) so, I wait....I am just living my life; i travel with my other daughter & friends, read, started excercising again (i got VERY very depressed) and spend time with my granddaughters please hang in there, ALL!

[ChitChatCharley]

My god...my heart aches for all of us. No one prepared me to feel these sorts of emotions when I had a child - the isolation, condemnation, vitriol, shame, guilt...it's never ending. Love to all of you.