Partner’s Ex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 
I should preface this by saying my parent had BPD and I went no contact years ago. I have since gone through a lot of therapy and am now in a romantic relationship with someone whose ex and co-parent seems to have a lot of the behaviors of somebody with BPD.

My partner has two young kids and they are determined to keep the peace with their ex, which I respect.

Unfortunately, the ex has had trouble accepting that my partner has moved on. Each time they learn about a new phase of our relationship, they call my partner and rage at them, then give them the silent treatment for months. Recently they found out that we are moving in together and are now threatening to sue my partner for full custody. On these calls they berate my partner and tell them they are a horrible parent. In addition, they are starting to bring me into it, making claims to my partner that the kids don’t want to live with me and twisting things the kids are telling them to try to paint me in a bad light.

This all went down yesterday. My partner is obviously scared. My/our first concern is not letting this affect the kids as much as possible. I am new to kids and have never dated someone with kids before. I view my role as supporting my partner. Anything involving the kids or the ex is their territory. I will listen until it affects me, which it seems like it may at some point.

I have found a few books that really helped me in understanding my upbringing, including “Stop Walking On Eggshells”. I asked my partner to read it last night. That’s as far as I’ve gotten. I’m rereading it myself and decided to check out some support groups. All I can do is take care of myself and my actions.

So, my questions is. What are some reasonable boundaries for me to set at this point? I’m navigating new territory here and could really use some guidance.

Thank you.

[Brewed Tea]

 
I should preface this by saying my parent had BPD and I went no contact years ago. I have since gone through a lot of therapy and am now in a romantic relationship with someone whose ex and co-parent seems to have a lot of the behaviors of somebody with BPD.

My partner has two young kids and they are determined to keep the peace with their ex, which I respect.

Unfortunately, the ex has had trouble accepting that my partner has moved on. Each time they learn about a new phase of our relationship, they call my partner and rage at them, then give them the silent treatment for months. Recently they found out that we are moving in together and are now threatening to sue my partner for full custody. On these calls they berate my partner and tell them they are a horrible parent. In addition, they are starting to bring me into it, making claims to my partner that the kids don’t want to live with me and twisting things the kids are telling them to try to paint me in a bad light.

This all went down yesterday. My partner is obviously scared. My/our first concern is not letting this affect the kids as much as possible. I am new to kids and have never dated someone with kids before. I view my role as supporting my partner. Anything involving the kids or the ex is their territory. I will listen until it affects me, which it seems like it may at some point.

I have found a few books that really helped me in understanding my upbringing, including “Stop Walking On Eggshells”. I asked my partner to read it last night. That’s as far as I’ve gotten. I’m rereading it myself and decided to check out some support groups. All I can do is take care of myself and my actions.

So, my questions is. What are some reasonable boundaries for me to set at this point? I’m navigating new territory here and could really use some guidance.

Thank you.

[PeteWitsend]

Good for you for reaching out and being proactive here.  Your partner is in a tough place, so be supportive of them, but you also need to learn to set some boundaries as far as what you will or won't tolerate, and help your partner do the same with their Ex.

Set a boundary. I think for one thing, your partner shouldn't allow their ex to berate them like this.  I don't know their dynamic, but I was pretty firm about not allowing my BPDxw to continue to treat me like she did when we were married.  I simply refused to engage with her on the phone - or in person - and insisted all our communications needed to be in writing (text or email).  In addition, we use a court-ordered messaging app (there are several of these), for formal requests, like custody day switches, or medical appointments for our daughter. 

I never thought much of this, but after reading your post, I realize this was a pretty good move on my part, and a good boundary to establish.  I think pwBPD generally try to avoid going "on the record," i.e. putting something in writing, or leaving verbal recordings, because they know how unhinged and unfair their behavior is.  They prefer talking on the phone, or in-person interactions because they feel they can control those better, with tried-and-true techniques like bullying and lying to get their way.  They dislike being accountable for the things they do and say, and will be on their best behavior if they understand they're being recorded or in writing.

Legal action? As far as the threat of legal action, I'd call their bluff and say "go ahead and sue."

Around here, a retainer for a family law attorney is anywhere from $5,000 to $25,000, and that's just to file the action.  Expect total legal fees from $30,000 to $50,000 or more to actually go to trial to get sole custody.  Do you think your partner's ex has that sort of cash sitting around to risk on a gamble like this?

If so, it might be worth it for your partner to talk to an attorney for a brief consultation on the risks here, but I wouldn't worry too much. 

pwBPD love to make big time threats... following through on them, not so much. 

Don't ignore them completely, but don't let fear of them control your actions.

[ForeverDad]

Your partner is apparently dealing with a situation where the children have been alienated from him by their mother.  How much parenting time does he get with them?  Is that schedule stated in a court order?  In general terms, are these children teens, tweens or elementary school age?

A book that discusses some of the issues is Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison.

If his ex did go to court seeking custody, they might be required to go through a "Change of Circumstances" process first in order to get approval to proceed.  A parent starting a new relationship is not in itself basis to seek a custodial change.  There would have to be some negative factor such as you or he being a convicted abuser or whatever.  However, if the ex wants to waste money on it, it's not your job to inform her.

A couple years after my divorce, I did file a Change of Circumstances case due to my ex's repeated obstructions.  I did get the sole custody I petitioned for BUT the deal ("win some, lose some") our son's GAL (Guardian ad Litem, lawyer for the child) was that I would gain sole custody but ex would not lose any parenting time.

Likely what he has now is joint custody.  Even if he lost custody in the worst but unlikely scenario - since he has do no wrong - he would still get to have time/visitation with his children.  Courts are very, very unlikely to order a parent have no parenting time (visitation) unless he or you are judged to be a danger to the children.  And that is almost unheard of succeeding here, even we who have/had extremely troublesome Borderline disordered spouses.

In short, he has little to fear legally.  (Well, except for false allegations.)  But the antipathy from the children indicates they're at high risk of alienation, if not already.  They would benefit from counseling or therapy.  Yet ex is likely to oppose that but if matters do go to court, then your partner would be advised to seek counseling and the court would likely side with him.  He would just have to ensure his ex didn't get to be the one to choose a biased or gullible therapist.