My only son has very little to do with me because of his BPD wife.

[BrokenheartedMum]

Hi everyone, I'm a new member and I found this group by accident, thank goodness.

My only son (38) has been married since 2012, and his wife has BPD. Over the years, there have been several problems, and I have tried to be understanding, but firm. As well, my DIL has systematically pulled my son away from his family and friends, and they always spend time with her sister and parents.

My DIL is very intelligent and knows exactly how to manipulate my son. I feel that she doesn't want him to see me because she knows that I see exactly what she's doing. Obviously, she feels that I had some influence on him in the early years, so her main goal is to turn everything I've said or done so that I look like I'm the one trying to manipulate and control him. I'm sure that she feels that I'm her competition, so she's done everything to convince him that he doesn't need my support (read: control), interest in how he's doing (read: meddling), and wish to spend time with him (read: attempt to take him away from her). This is not true, by any means, and the whole thing has led me into some pretty dark places.

Last summer, I asked my son whether he would help us to switch two mattresses by the end of that week (he works two weeks away and one week home). He absolutely BLEW up at me so much that his voice was breaking. I couldn't remember asking him to do anything for us before, so this came as a total shock. Afterwards, he said that he needed time away from me, and although we spoke for the first time at Easter this year, I haven't seen him for two years now.  We trade texts once in a while, but that's about it. I sought help from a professional because I was mourning him as though he'd died. I thought it was likely that I'd never hear from him again. I feel somewhat better now, but I can see the writing on the wall - it won't ever get better than this.

I can't describe the horrible time this has been, and continues to be. My counsellor tells me that she doesn't feel that I've done anything to deserve this, but that in the end it doesn't matter, as she will always fit the narrative to her benefit.

I know that I'm not alone, and that everyone else feels bereft and/or powerless to stop the train hurtling towards the cliff, but I would sure appreciate what other people have to say.

Thanks for your time,
BrokenheartedMum

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Brokenheartedmum and welcome to the BPD family here.

I think you can see clearly what is happening. At the core of BPD is frantic effort to avoid feelings of abandonment. So many minor things become triggers for this intense feeling for someone with BPD. I feel that DIL's efforts to control your son's relationship with you is possibly and indication that she senses it is a strong bond, and therefore a 'threat' to her exclusive relationship with your son.

Can I ask who initiated the call at Easter and how often you text now - and who initiates these?

The BPD journey is often one of grieving. There are so many ways we feel the 'loss' of the person we love and care deeply about. In your case I imagine there is the loss of the relationship you had with him and also the loss of the expectation that this would continue for the rest of your life.

There is also I think the pain of knowing your son is likely being 'gaslighted' because BPD people can be quite skilled at ways to get and hold the attention/affection of the other person. I feel your son exploding when asked to help with a simple task is possibly a sign of a build up of lots of twisted statements/ideas/comments that he is unable to refute because DIL won't hear anything apart from her own narrative - which is so often well and truly disconnected from the real facts.

I think it is good that there is some contact and maintaining that would be my priority. From my personal experience I find the best way to do that is to make contact brief and just about some neutral thing that has happened/funny thing etc. (Hard to do when you are breaking apart inside).

I ACT as though I am sort of not too interested because I feel it lessens the BPD's need for control. When they sense you care, the control grip tightens. Perhaps you could gradually - very gradually - increase the texting contact just with a brief comment about something.

It is likely you are doing this now and I am sorry if I am going over what you have done/are doing.

Hold on to that contact because things can and do change. But also allow yourself to grieve because you are suffering an enormous loss and the pain you carry is a very heavy load.