Unending stress

[Teawls]

My wife and I have a 28 year old trans daughter who has threatened suicide twice this year, is in a co-dependent relationship, is smoking $500 a month of marijuana, is unemployed and has been diagnosed with BPD, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, and gender dysphoria. They do not drive, will not do tele-health and have had no success in finding a therapist.

We have poured hours and hours of our time and thousands of dollars into trying to help them, even going so far as to pay for all of their food, pet food, housing, utilities, Uber rides and doing things socially with them. And yet...

They still continue on this path of self destruction.

We never know when the next crisis will occur.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello Teawis and welcome!  Change the age to 25 and a driver, and you just described my daughter perfectly.  She checks every other box.

You didn't directly ask a question; are you asking for help on stopping the never-ending stress from all this?  Because the answer for that is incredibly simple; stop enabling your kid and hold them responsible for their own life.

My situation was identical, until I finally said that it wasn't okay to treat me that way anymore.  So we broke off contact for awhile, and when my kid did finally reach out, she was hostile.  So I told her that I loved her but wasn't accepting abuse any longer due to the life choices she made.  Then I hung up.

For someone with BPD, there's a very fine line between helping and enabling.  Often what you think you're doing to help actually makes their mental state worse, it emboldens them to be even more demanding because they blame all their problems on you.  The way to fix that is to stop accepting bad behavior and rewarding it with gifts, paying bills, etc.

[Teawls]

We don't want to see our daughter homeless and on the street, which was going to be the case since she was being evicted by the new owner of the rental they were living in.

We are constantly thanked for our help, and not blamed for her problems, so in that case it is different than your daughter.

She needs to get into therapy, but we have not been able to make that happen. Until it does, she has too much social anxiety to hold a job.

[CC43]

Hi Tea,

I feel for you.  You must be worried sick as well as frustrated.  My stepdaughter was diagnosed with BPD, and she spent a long time living a non-life, basically one of avoidance and consuming marijuana.  I'll say that marijuana made her symptoms much worse, and my advice would be not to subsidize any marijuana consumption.  That might mean you don't give your daughter any cash--any support would be in-kind.  Maybe you deliver food to her apartment, and maybe you pay for rent directly, for example.

Though you believe your daughter can't stand the social stress of working, sometimes the lack of work or any sort of productive purpose can adversely affect self-esteem.  I think there are all sorts of jobs that have low levels of social interactions--think cleaning homes/gardening, walking dogs, clerical work or warehouse work.  Has your daughter considered any of these?  My BPD stepdaughter did dog walking and pet sitting for a while, and though the money wasn't nearly enough to live on, at least she made some cash, and she had some sense of purpose.  I think having at least some responsibilities is a step in the right direction.  You might be surprised by your daughter's abilities if she has to figure out how to get what she wants.  The choice would be up to her:  if she wants a phone, she has to work to get it.  If she wants Netflix, ditto.  There's a difference between her being homeless having some sort of employment to make money for personal luxuries, in my opinion. 

[wendydarling]

Hello and welcome Teawls 

It sounds to me, despite the unedending stress you endure you have a relatively good relationship with your DD. Is that true? BPD presents in many ways. My DD is a quiet person with BPD, she kept everything inside, never shouted or disregarded me or anyone.

When was your DD diagnosed and does she recognise, accept her struggles, her pain to you? What help has your DD engaged with, if any at this point?

Things can get better, when we walk with them to where they need to be.

WDx