Feeling the pain

[MoAnn]

I’m sitting in my car, parked in my familiar spot, tears didnt wait for me to get here, but now that I am in park, I can really let it rip.

 I drive out here When I need to leave the house to Get away from a verbal attack from my son. Because physically leaving often seems to be the only way for it to stop and not escalate.

The triggers that cause it,  the things he says….crazy making stuff, so not entirely easy to articulate. Like  trying to describe a dark dream after you wake up.

It feels heavy in my heart and throat, a painful swirl in and around me. And it often looks like misappropriated pain on him too. Which makes me feel concerned for him, even as I’m pulling out of the driveway to get away from him. Crazy making.

He is 18 now. It has only been him and I for most of his life.
I’m not sure how far back to go, but I will say this. I first took him to a therapist when he was 4 years old when his difficulty to emotionally regulate made me think he might be on the autism spectrum. I was completely unfamiliar then with terms like borderline personality disorder and oppositional defiance disorder.

I need to be in a space where there is Support for this. Where I can connect with others without feeling like I am dumping on the people in my life. WithOut feeling like I am influencing our family or friends against my son. Where I can find guidance and maybe validation from like experiences of others. Hopefully this is that space.

Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Gosh, your post reads like a beautiful novel!  I have a 24 y/o BPD daughter who has shunned the majority of her family, so....I have a glimpse of what you are going through, I, sadly, have no words of wisdom, other than stay strong and take care of yourself.

[wendydarling]

Hello MoAnn, joining BPDstinks welcoming you 

You've landed in the right place for support, understanding, acceptance and a lot of love. You are not alone.

I read your post and thought deep breath, deep breath MoAnn, we're breathing with you. Feeling the pain.

Has your son been diagnosed with BPD and oppostional difiance disorder, at what age? If so how did he receive the diagnosis, has he engaged with treatments?

It's a wiggly, painful road, when we're in crisis. I learnt so much here, we walk together and learn. Priceless.

WDx