Husband returned after affair, is meaner and more controlling than ever

[JEV1]

My husband had an affair (I posted about his infidelity and issues with alcohol/impulsivity)and returned home to "work on our marriage." Since he's been back,  he's lied consistently,  criticized and belittled me even more than before the affair, gotten enraged when I discovered his lies, verbally abused me in a way he hasn't for years, and even hit me for the first time ever. Everything I do is wrong.  Everything. It is impossible to please him, yet he swears he wants us to work.  How do I navigate these mood swings? How can I try to get our relationship out of crisis if I'm on eggshells ten times as much as before and unable to speak honestly with him without fear if emotional retaliation?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi JEV1, thanks for coming back and updating us.

Does your H say specifically what he plans to do to "work on the marriage" (affair recovery program, AA, couples counseling, etc), or is it more a general thing he says?

How did he behave after he hit you -- remorseful, defiant, defensive, shocked... something else?

What does your therapist think about the situation?

[JEV1]

He flatly refuses to quit drinking even after he hit me and crashed our car when drunk. As for what he wants to do to work on it, he wanted to do marital counseling and work on communication,  but what he wants or is willing to do changes almost daily.  As for hitting me,  he said it "wasn't even that hard" and he "thought I wanted it" (I was crying and in no way, shape or form had indicated a desire to get slapped in the face). He apologized but it was hollow and he essentially blamed me for provoking him. God knows I can't bring it up or he'll explode again.  I just don't know how to communicate with him. Everything I say or do is wrong.  When I try to deescalate or listen to him, he tells me it's fake and he thinks I'm pretending.  It seems like there is no way to get through to him or move forward. 

[re_search1901]

I am just going to start posting this book as its been extremely eye opening for me. Hope it helps.

https://www.amazon.com/Fight-Right-Successful-Conflict-Connection/dp/0593579658

[brokenfrog]

Hey JEV1,

Your story really resonates with me. My spouse has exhibited similar behavior, so I understand how difficult this situation is. That being said, I may come across as a bit more "direct," but please hear me out.

What I’ve learned through my own experience is that trying to help someone like your husband (or in my case, my soon-to-be ex-wife) with the hope of a better future often ends up reinforcing their negative behaviors. In essence, we unintentionally validate their actions by staying and trying to "fix" things.

Are there exceptions, turnarounds, or miracles? Sometimes, yes. But more often than not, we find ourselves delaying the inevitable—and we’re the ones who end up more hurt and broken in the long run.

I’ve even been told I was somehow responsible for the infidelity or that I wasn’t open-minded enough to consider "other arrangements" suggested by her doctor-lover. I’ve also seen close friends blame themselves for the abusive behavior they’ve endured, feeling as though they "deserved" it.

Here’s the truth: there is no situation where his behavior is acceptable. Ever.
Even if yours was the crappiest marriage in the history of crappy marriages, it doesn’t excuse what he’s done and doing. The fact that this behavior is just appaling. Please, protect yourself and your son. The emotional scars can be just as damaging—if not worse—than the physical ones.

It took me a long time to fully understand what my own therapist meant when she told me to "protect myself," but two years into my separation and divorce, I see her point.

So, when you ask, "How do I navigate these mood swings?" I would challenge you to instead ask: "Why should I?"