BPD speaking poorly of me prior to introducing me to them

[KitKat68]

I am no contact with my daughter wBPD and have been for 3-4 years but wondering if others have encountered this same issue.

Back in early 2016 my daughter was pregnant with her oldest child and her now ex husband’s family held a baby shower for her which I went to. This was the first time I met any of his extended family and they were less than friendly toward me. I had an ok time, as good as it could have been given the situation, but I still have no idea why the reception was so chilly. It was almost all of them and it seemed very “on purpose.” I encountered these people several times later and it never really improved much. I don’t expect everyone will always like me but the baby shower situation seemed more targeted.

Prior to the baby shower my daughter and I had been low contact but for what I don't remember now. We’ve been estranged more often than not and it’s hard to keep it all straight.

Have other people encountered having a loved one wBPD badmouth them when everything otherwise seemed ok? She really wanted me at that shower when secretly I didn’t really want to go. She didn’t know I felt that way but I just recall her absolute insistence that I be there. Looking back at that and other social situations with her, I see a pattern of possibly being setup by her. My ex, her dad, he’s passed away some time ago and looking back I think she may have done the same to him and also my husband whose been her stepdad since she was 4yo (she’s in her 30’s now).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Joyinrepetition]

I know this feeling all too well. My DSD used to say really bad things about me and her dad during her teen years, and her friends would therefore dislike us! It’s a horrible feeling to have unkind and untrue things said about you, especially when you have no way of proving your innocence. As I’ve mentioned previously in my other posts, we haven’t seen my DSD for 8 years, or her children (never ever even seen them) My USD we haven’t seen for 13 years, and only met one of her 3 children. It’s all terribly sad because our grandchildren will no doubt have been told we don’t care about them, which couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s a very sad situation, with no way of resolving it if they want to continue not having contact.

[KitKat68]

It is an awful feeling! The deal with the grandchildren is even worse because you know these kids exist and can’t have a relationship with them and who knows what they’re being told.

We haven’t seen my daughter’s kids in so long the younger one probably doesn’t remember us (too young when we last saw them) and the older one probably only has a few memories and my daughter has likely tarnished those by now. People have told me that maybe one day they will come looking for us but it seems unlikely. Maybe I have a negative attitude about it but I fail to see why kids who were alienated from their grandparents from the time they were very young would even bother.

Anyway, my daughter being two faced …I’m sure she’s done this longer than I’d care to think back on yet still doing it in her 20’s and come to think of it, still doing it in her 30’s. She was in between marriages when we last had any contact and her now husband’s mom (I never ended up meeting her) is apparently very religious and I’m not. I don’t have anything against religious people rather I’m a live and let live type. My daughter expressed a lot of concerns to me about this woman and I being so different that we wouldn’t get along. She made a huge deal of it and I found it dramatic and unnecessary. It wasn’t like I ever pounced on anyone who had a different opinion from me. Turns out she had made me out to this woman as though I was this flaming anti religious person who persecuted people for not believing as I do. My daughter can be very charming at first and apparently very convincing. In other words, thanks to her I/we never had a chance with either set of her in laws nor most people she associated with.

I’m not sure I could ever trust my daughter again should she ever try to reconcile. It doesn’t appear that beyond her harassing me every so often that she wants to reconcile anyway. I’m definitely not interested right now or for the foreseeable future. But even if she did and happened to catch me on a day where I could be convinced even a little, I just don’t think I could gather up even a little trust. On one hand I do feel bad for her but on the other hand I can’t see past her cruelty she’s inflicted on me along with many others.

[js friend]

Hi kitkat68,

I can think of many occasions when I have been looked at with distain on the first introduction to my udd's friends, but funnily enough these are also the new "bffl friends" that udd would rave about that I have never seen again. So my guess is that it didnt work out between them too. The friends that have stuck around ( and got to know me) are actually the ones that udd still has as friends.....weird I know.

[js friend]

Thinking about it more....

Maybe they were just mirroring my udd and werent too particularly healthy mentally themselves.