Adult Child with BPD is abusive and manipulative

[Alt universe]

I am at my wits end.  My adult daughter (35) told me she was diagnosed with BPD.  She had a rough childhood, she witnessed abuse and experienced a lot of death of close family members including her father.  I am just now connecting the dots.  She has 4 kids 3 different dads.  She is currently married to the youngest child's father.  The middle 2 kid's father was abusive towards her.  She keeps inventing or exaggerating things her current husband does to get sympathy and to excuse her treatment of him.  She has been doing the same to me but with me she makes things up completely.  Her entire life, I have tried to soften the blows of life and even making excuses for her when she created problems for herself.  She doesn't work and last year her husband was laid off.  He works gigs to make money but it isn't enough.  I have been a single mom from the start.  I am self employed and have gotten to the point that I am making enough money to re-invest and sustain my life.  But because of their problems, I have been giving them all of my extra (and sometimes not extra) money.  Her rent is 2x mine.  When I am unable to help her she says I am abusive and can't see my grandkids. Then tells everyone who will listen crazy lies about me.  I was attacked verbally (by text) by her friend accusing me of things that I had never heard of.  I was blown away.  I had no idea what she was talking about.  It was like some alternate universe.  I don't know how to fight back lies being told.  I have also basically given her my car because I work from home and hers was repossessed.  She needs to get the kids to school etc.  She left with one of her son's to go to LA with no money to get home and left the other 3 kids with myself a friend and my sister to take care of.  After I told her I couldn't take her dog because the person who had him couldn't keep him, I was called abusive and told I can't see the kids and my granddaughter (who I was watching) had to go to my sister's house.  This isn't the first time either.  I am so tired of being her punching bag.  I dealt with this with her dad and I don't know how to stop it with her.  All I can think to do is cut her off completely but she lives across the street from me.  I don't want my actions to affect my grandkids, but she has already said I can't be around them without her there.  I am so frustrated and lost right now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there Alt Universe,

I'm sorry your daughter seems set on using you, asking for money and favors while simultaneously lashing out and acting abusive towards you.  I understand the "alternate universe" phenomenon, the twisted stories and outright lies that she'll tell to avoid taking responsibility for her own poor choices, and blaming you instead.  I think one of the worst aspects of BPD is a victim attitude, because it seems to get them stuck in negative behavioral patterns that are destructive to others, themselves, or both.

If you've read these boards, I think you must have seen discussion about boundaries.  Going no contact or low contact are pretty common in relationships with someone with BPD.  No contact or low contact might be temporary, last a few months, or maybe even be permanent.  Your situation is likely complicated because you live so close to your daughter, and you care about the grandchildren.  Maybe a contact-related boundary is, you won't engage in any conversation when she's being abusive.  If you get a raging text, you promptly delete it, and you don't reply, because a text like that doesn't deserve a reply.

Moreover, you need to take care of yourself, because you're no good to anyone if you are constantly upset or rendered penniless.  Maybe a boundary is that you don't give her any more money.  Or maybe you determine a fixed amount per month.  You could say simply, "My budget allows me to give you $100 per month."  If she rages and tells you you're a terrible mother, then that's her problem.  Another tactic you might try is to offer to babysit when it's convenient for you.  You could say something like, "I can watch the kids next Friday afternoon, to give you a break."  If you approach it like you're giving HER a break, then she's at the center, and she might be less likely to try to "punish" you by denying you access to the grandkids.  But if she rages at you, alleging that she can't trust you to be alone with the kids, then you say, OK, and extract yourself from the abusive conversation.  There's little use arguing with her when she's raging, because she can't think straight when she's like that.

I sometimes think that people with untreated BPD are a bottomless pit of neediness, and they are unable to have empathy for others.  She thinks she DESERVES to take everything you have, because you CAUSED all her problems.  She will take your car, your money and your living quarters if you let her.  I doubt she feels any shame or sense of responsibility.  She's all take and no give; there's no such thing as reciprocity (or proportionate responses) in her universe.  So you have to be the one to draw a boundary about how much you are willing to give.  Make sense?

[Alt universe]

Thank you for your response.  And yes that makes perfect sense.  I felt like my post was just rambling so I appreciate you being able to decipher what I was saying.  Thank you again.  This is so frustrating.  I am considering moving out of state just to remove myself from it all.  She doesn't  care that she is punishing my grandkids because we have a very close relationship.  I am beyond frustrated and this takes away from me focusing on growing my business so I have something when I retire.  I will set firmer boundaries and see how that goes.  I know as soon as she needs me, she will act like none of this happened and everything is ok.  I have been in therapy myself for past traumas and I can't even get to that because I am always dealing with her stuff.  UGH!!!  Hopefully the boundaries will work.  Thank you again for your input.

[Ourworld]

Hi Alt Universe,

I’m afraid if you moved very far away, she might feel abandonment and cut you off, so be mindful of that, but it might be easier if you could find a good place nearby. Maybe a different type of home to try, I don’t know your age or where you live, but perhaps some apartments for 55+?

Just an idea to have your own life and friends but not abandoned her.

[js friend]

Hi Alt Universe.

I think it would be a good idea that you moved away. At the moment your dd can see your comings and goings and will take advantage of this. My udd did the same and would turn up on my doorstep with no prior warning saying that she was tired even though she knew that I had work in the morning. I let it go on for a while because I felt sorry for my gc and felt I couldnt just turn them away, especially as she already taken them out of the car but I knew that I had to put my foot down. My udd didnt like it and badmouthed me to all she knew but she eventually accepted it.
I also think it may be better to buy your gc gifts or take your dd and kids out rather than pay for her rent. If your dd and her partner cannot afford their rent they shouldnt be living there. Can you even be sure that she is using the money you are giving her for rent? I know that my udd is terrible with money and will spend it like it is going out of fashion. You sound like a good caring mother but life has its ups and downs and your dd will never learn how to get through them if you are always there to soften them. Unfortunately you are enabling this behaviour by financially supporting your dd when she may be well able to support herself if pushed to do so. As another poster has said it may be helpful to give her a budget every month otherwise you will be used as an endless pit.
Another thing is your dd manipulating you with the fear of losing your gc. I havent seen my gc for 4 years now, and my udd would also threaten me with nc and it loomed over me for many years before it eventually happened. The threat  stopped me from doing and saying many things  I wanted to say to my dd and it changed me as a person. It hurts a lot not to see my gc anymore but it has also been very liberating not to constantly have to bite my tongue anymore and to feel that I had to put up and shut up in regards to my udd.