Co Parenting with an Exhusband w/BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I find myself coming back to the one place that has helped me for years.  Today was a hard time.  I am over 4 years out of my marriage with my ex and even to this day, he is the only person that can make my heart drop and feel it beating in my chest and like my neck is tightening and a pit of stomach feeling.  I pray for the day I no longer feel this way just by having a hostile conversation. 

My youngest who is 8 now has been going to supervised visits.  My ex is on the countdown to where he will have unsupervised visits with our son (2 months).  The thought of having to face him in person makes me terrified.  I spoke with local PD on doing a civil standby.  I even have looked into discreet tracking devices and some kind of recording device to plant of my son when he has unsupervised visits with his dad.

We are supposed to have the first Saturday of every month to where we do the visits.  This month, my ex wanted to reschedule. I made the mistake of setting the wrong date. I apologized and tried to reschedule. He said he was not able to change to another day.  It caused problems and now he is getting hostile and acting like his old self again.  He told me if I wasn't willing to work with him, then he wouldn't do the same for me either.  One little bump and he automatically reverted to his old ways and got angry when I asked if he had a way to transport our son when he starts picking him up.  I think he got angry that I kept all my paperwork and can refer to it when problems arise.

I'm trying so hard to remain calm and collected and not react.  I get so frustrated with myself that I still have a physical ill reaction when he starts messaging and acting angry.  It's like my body automatically kicks into fight or flight mode, even though he's miles away from me.  I don't what to do to make it stop.  I'm trying so hard to be strong for my boys and not mess them up.  I don't have anyone to talk to about these things.  No close friends that want to hear about it anymore.  Counseling is almost impossible to get.  Being surrounded by people and having nobody to talk to is more lonely than being alone.

Days like this I also feel guilty.  Feeling so upset about my problems when people have lost everything and loved ones in the hurricane and now people in FL about to get hit with another massive one.

[Frozenimages]

I find myself coming back to the one place that has helped me for years.  Today was a hard time.  I am over 4 years out of my marriage with my ex and even to this day, he is the only person that can make my heart drop and feel it beating in my chest and like my neck is tightening and a pit of stomach feeling.  I pray for the day I no longer feel this way just by having a hostile conversation. 

My youngest who is 8 now has been going to supervised visits.  My ex is on the countdown to where he will have unsupervised visits with our son (2 months).  The thought of having to face him in person makes me terrified.  I spoke with local PD on doing a civil standby.  I even have looked into discreet tracking devices and some kind of recording device to plant of my son when he has unsupervised visits with his dad.

We are supposed to have the first Saturday of every month to where we do the visits.  This month, my ex wanted to reschedule. I made the mistake of setting the wrong date. I apologized and tried to reschedule. He said he was not able to change to another day.  It caused problems and now he is getting hostile and acting like his old self again.  He told me if I wasn't willing to work with him, then he wouldn't do the same for me either.  One little bump and he automatically reverted to his old ways and got angry when I asked if he had a way to transport our son when he starts picking him up.  I think he got angry that I kept all my paperwork and can refer to it when problems arise.

I'm trying so hard to remain calm and collected and not react.  I get so frustrated with myself that I still have a physical ill reaction when he starts messaging and acting angry.  It's like my body automatically kicks into fight or flight mode, even though he's miles away from me.  I don't what to do to make it stop.  I'm trying so hard to be strong for my boys and not mess them up.  I don't have anyone to talk to about these things.  No close friends that want to hear about it anymore.  Counseling is almost impossible to get.  Being surrounded by people and having nobody to talk to is more lonely than being alone.

Days like this I also feel guilty.  Feeling so upset about my problems when people have lost everything and loved ones in the hurricane and now people in FL about to get hit with another massive one.

[ForeverDad]

Are you expecting that child exchanges would be at your home or his?  While you may have to face him in person, can you do what some of us, myself included, did?  You can arrange the child exchanges to be at a local police station or sheriff's offices.  At least there you would have an officer posted there and that ought to ensure some level reduced stress.

If the order lists a different location for exchanges, you may need to seek an order change to a less stressful or more populated location.

[EyesUp]

Good advice from FD...

Some additional food for thought.  How does your son feel about spending time with his dad?   

Cutting to the chase:  If you're apprehensive because your son is uncomfortable or because your son has reported things that are genuine cause for concern, then you are wise to remain alert and consider all the things that you've mentioned here.

However... 

If your son is relatively at ease with his father - then there may not be a need for intervention and monitoring - at least, not at this point.

Unfortunately, the actions that you describe can cut both ways.  If your ex is abusive, volatile, irresponsible... it's easy to understand why you are concerned.  On the other hand, if your ex generally behaves well around your shared son, it may be that you're assuming that your son shares your emotional concerns, and risks - that's not necessarily the case. 

At eight, your son is old enough to articulate at some of his feelings, and to report his experience with some degree of clarity.  If he's not expressing concern or discomfort on his own, then any action that include conflict, monitoring, reporting, transitions around police, etc., may all contribute to your son's eventual discomfort - and worse, resentment.

It's often said that co-parenting with disordered spouse is difficult, and that "parallel parenting" is the best we can hope for.  In parallel parenting, the key is to focus on how you spend time with your kid when your kid is with you - and to detach as much as possible when your kid with the other parent.  In time, your kid will naturally come to appreciate who is the safe parent, who is the reliable parent, who is the fair parent, etc.  Difficult as it may be, it's important for your son to learn these things on his own - attempting to influence or persuade your son can backfire in damaging ways.

If your ex is truly a danger to your son, or if your son already expresses concern, then you're wise to consider your options.  However... if your ex is triggering to you (and reasonably so!), but not to your son - then it's important to separate your feelings from your son's - for everyone's benefit.

Do you really need to check up on transportation situation in advance?  In any high conflict relationship, that's naturally going to be perceived as a provocation. 

Why not take confidence: Your ex is either going to show up with transportation, or he's going to show up with an excuse.  Be prepared for both scenarios.  In one scenario, your ex is making progress to meet some minimum functional requirement.  In the other scenario, you may find that your son ends up staying with you because your ex can't manage it. 

When you start to think a few steps ahead, and to sit back and watch - you may come to feel like either way it's a net positive thing for your son - and the impulse to check on all the details can drop back a bit - which could be less triggering for both you and your ex, and a net positive for your son.

If this is all wishful thinking, and there is a clear concern for your son's safety - then you're wise to remain vigilant. Another idea might be to give your son a phone - doesn't necessarily need to be an expensive smartphone - so he can reach you if needed.  If your ex is likely to perceive this as a power play or monitoring tactic, then proactively share the information about the device - so it can work both ways.  i.e., "S8 has a phone - you're welcome to stay in touch with him when he's with me, he might like to hear from you" - i.e., proactively take any potential perceived imbalance off the table...  it's not just your way to stay in touch, it can work both ways.

Good luck - the transition to unsupervised parenting time is a big deal. I hope it goes well for you and your son. And your ex, too!

[ParentingThruIt]

I am in a similar boat but my ex was more emotionally abusive towards me and controlling of what we did, but not generally physically  threatening. Safety comes first.

I agree with the advice to plan for what might happen.

Re: scheduling, I still get tripped up when I expect him to respond reasonably to basic requests. I’ve seen advice to avoid changes to the schedule as much as possible, minimize negotiation and go with what the court laid out as much as possible.

Think about what boundaries you need and can enforce and what will make this manageable for you as much as you can while still meeting court orders.

[zondolit]

Frozenimages,

Living with, divorcing, and sharing children with a person with BPD is not easy. We cannot compare sorrows. But what you have been through and still live with is huge. It may be hard for others to understand, the way most people know a hurricane is bad news. But you know what you have lived through. You know it was your own personal hurricane.

He took so much from you and he still has the power to make you fearful. It is hard to accept. We wish it were not so. But you got out of that relationship! You are doing what you can to help your children! You have done well!

Yes, being surrounded by people but no one to talk with is the worse sort of loneliness. I pray someone will be willing and open to hear you, and you willing and open to share. That God will create an opening in some unexpected place.