Open Letter to my BPD Spouse

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Dear Honey,

I want to leave you. But, I fight that feeling.
I want to leave you when you are screaming at me for some minor transgression that takes on the proportions of Mt. Everest. But, I fight that feeling.
I want to leave you when you tell me I'm that an evil person and you will never forgive me. But, I fight that feeling.
I want to leave you when you point out how stupid and/or incompetent I am.  But, I fight that feeling.
I want to leave you when you leave for a hotel or the other room or lock me out of the bedroom for the night.  But, I fight that feeling.
I want to leave me when you tear into me in front of the kids.  But, I fight that feeling.
I know you want to hear that I never want to leave. That I'll always be there for you. I can't promise you that. The only thing I can promise is that when I feel like leaving,  I will fight that feeling.
And I will do it again the next day.

Your husband.

[DearHusband]

Dear Honey,

I want to leave you. But, I fight that feeling.
I want to leave you when you are screaming at me for some minor transgression that takes on the proportions of Mt. Everest. But, I fight that feeling.
I want to leave you when you tell me I'm that an evil person and you will never forgive me. But, I fight that feeling.
I want to leave you when you point out how stupid and/or incompetent I am.  But, I fight that feeling.
I want to leave you when you leave for a hotel or the other room or lock me out of the bedroom for the night.  But, I fight that feeling.
I want to leave me when you tear into me in front of the kids.  But, I fight that feeling.
I know you want to hear that I never want to leave. That I'll always be there for you. I can't promise you that. The only thing I can promise is that when I feel like leaving,  I will fight that feeling.
And I will do it again the next day.

Your husband.

[formflier]

I could have written this myself... .

   

How can you turn this letter into action in your r/s.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Linda, Perhaps you could acknowledge your feelings rather than fighting them?  I try to process feelings as they come up, instead of submerging them and driving them underground until they erupt later.  I admire your courage and persistence, yet I wonder whether you might be invalidating yourself by fighting your feelings, if that makes sense.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

I agree.  Try taking out the line "But I fight that feeling."
Get raw and let it out.  You're with fellow survivors here.

[DearHusband]

My therapist says that Suffering = Pain + Resistance. I suppose that fighting your own feelings is a form of resistance. However, I am fighting the desire to leave.

I know I should accept that she won't change, put up boundaries, and find happiness in the rest of my life. I've done all of those, but as all of you know, that can be harder to maintain than it sounds, particularly when you are under constant attack to find a chink in your armor.

I agree.  Try taking out the line "But I fight that feeling."
Get raw and let it out.  You're with fellow survivors here.

[ArleighBurke]

You will forever try to prove to her that she is loved - but she will never hear it.