Putting up your teflon shields?

[AlwaysAnxious]

Hey everyone - me again. 

This seems like an obvious question, but I'm struggling with it.

For those that have adult kids with BPD, how do you either shield yourself from the hurtful words and insults, or heal from them after.  She does not know or seem to know, that she may have BPD or has the traits, and she also never goes into an apologetic phase.  She says absolutely terrible things to me (mostly only to me) and most I can shake off but there have been a couple of others that have truly hurt me deeply and I don't know how to shake the hurt off. 

Suggestions and yes, I'm already seeing a therapist (2 in fact), in helping to deal with BPD as a family.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi AlwaysAnxious,


It took me a while to get to the point where I was able to not to take the awful things my udd said to me personally, and the way I did it was to remind myself that my udd was  possibly "projecting" and transferring  all the negative feelings she held about herself onto me.

[js friend]

....btw great news that you are seeing a therapist

[Josie C]

It isn’t easy to shake off the awful, hurt-filled words.  Even when you know deep down in your heart that there is no truth to the tirade, it hurts deeply  and messes with our own self-image. Apologies aren’t part of my daughter’s emotional tool kit either; she wants to keep the blame on me.  I suspect it’s just too frightening for her to accept responsibility.

Like Js friend, I try to keep in mind that when my DD(30) rages, blames, says hurtful, gut-wrenching things that it’s due to her inability to manage the intensity of her own emotions.  Much of it is projection. Some of it is that she wants ME to be in as much pain as SHE is.

Knowing this doesn’t make the pain any less! And I often find myself angry with her for making accusations and placing blame on me for situations that have no basis in reality.

I’ve recently read that anger and compassion cannot exist at the same time.  And what she needs is my compassion. She just hurts so so much. So I need to disengage as quickly as possible.  I tell her that when she speaks to me angrily/hurtfully/etc, I can’t be a good listener, the conversation will go poorly (that’s an understatement!), and neither of us will come out the better for it.  I give her a chance to change the subject (surprisingly, sometimes she will).  If she continues, I let her know I’m hanging up (or I leave her place). I believe that disengaging shows compassion for both of us.  It saves her from hating herself more for saying the awful stuff. And it stops me from JADEing, which is my natural go-to when attacked.

THEN comes the tough part.  I sob for a while, then do a whole lot of self-talk to remind myself that I’m a good mom, raised her with love and affection, have worked continually for 10+ years to learn about BPD and learn to communicate better with her.  I remember that she’s hurting and doesn’t know how to manage intense emotions. I pray.  I have to work really hard to not get sucked into her tornado.

In the past six months, I’ve occasionally gone low/no contact for stretches when she’s been particularly abusive. I wait until she reaches out first. Usually takes her about two weeks.  I keep interactions short. I thought this was avoidance on my part, but my therapist said it was self-preservation.  I can’t be compassionate if I’m hurting.

Always Anxious, I hear you! It’s so tough not to take things personally. We are all works in progress.  All my best to you.

[Pook075]

My experience with my BPD daughter (25) echoes Josie's story and I take a similar approach. 

Here's the thing though, I don't need a Teflon shield...I have boundaries and I no longer accept hostile, hurtful behavior.

If my kid is having a bad day and rants a little bit, fine.  If she calls me a lousy father, okay, I'll take that once or twice.  But once it gets past that, I will shut the conversation down by explaining that I love her, I want to be there for her at all times, but I can't accept the abusive behavior.

Sometimes she'll continue being hostile and I'll walk away.  Sometimes she'll apologize and explain that she's just having a bad day, and I quickly comfort her that it's going to be okay.  Either way though, I make it abundantly clear that she's in control and I will react appropriately to whatever she decides.

In other words, I'm not mysteriously hanging up on her or walking away.  I'm saying, "I don't want to walk away, but I will have to for my own mental health if you can't back off."  She has to understand that these are very predictable reactions to her choices.

Do I blow it sometimes and tell her off?  Of course, I am human after all.  But those situations are much less frequent once I really nailed down my personal boundaries and learned to lead with love and empathy whenever she'd let me.  It makes all the difference in the world.

[Winniethepoo]

AA,

I have dealt with the hurt by thinking about the situation in a more clinical manner. I think of her illness and know that she herself does not want to be in this situation. I am not saying that I am not reeling from pain when I am in the throws of my daughter's rage and insults however, in time, I am able to see it as a medical condition. I think of the pain she feels and I try to think any other illness which would require us, as caregivers, to dig deep to try to support someone who is suffering. The problem with BPD is that it manifests differently than another malady, like cancer, or some terrible chronic illness. It helps however, to think of the disorder as a terrible disease that affects our loved ones.

[Notwendy]

One thing that helped me is to see this in terms of boundaries. Boundaries are about us, not the other person. They reflect our own values and sense of self. We adjust our boundaries depending on the relationship. We are more formal with people at work than our familes, however our sense of self boundary is a constant.

A boundary isn't solid. If someone says something about us, we consider if it is true or not. If it's not true, then we dismiss it. If it is true, then we consider what to do.

A counselor suggested that I swap out an untrue accusation with something absurd like a pink elephant. If someone called you a pink elephant- would you feel hurt by it? I think you are certain you are not an elephant. Someone saying you are one will not make it true. More likely you'd dismiss that comment as making no sense.

What your D is saying- you aren't so certain if it's true or not and so you feel  hurt-  but what if that what she is saying is not true- and so her saying it doesn't make it true. Making the mental swap to pink elephant will keep you from emotionally reacting. She says this because it works for her. If you don't react emotionally, it won't work as well.

Does this mean I don't even feel hurt feelings ? No but they are less frequent and I can get over it faster if I do. The more I consider the things my BPD mother says to me, I see that they aren't about me. More likely they are projections. They may say more about her than about me. They also may be them getting their own bad feelings out and you, being the mom, are the safest one to do this with.

But that doesn't mean you have to tolerate being spoken to like this or raged at. You can, without reacting back, excuse yourself politely ("I think I need to take a break from this conversation at the moment")  from the conversation and walk away or hang up the phone. You don't need to tolerate verbal abuse.

It takes some time to practice the "pink elephant" idea but it does help. 

[Sammy Jo]

For my own sanity, when my DD starts cursing and being out-of-control ugly, I give her a warning. After the second or maybe third time, I just block her on my phone. It's the only way I have found to save my sanity. For the most part, my husband will continue to have connection with our 22-year-old DD in case of any emergency when I've blocked her and vice versa, but this is our way of saving our sanity.