Being made out to be borderline

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi there.

So I am the one who has been dx bpd (please remove if not allowed), but it's really in context of a particular relationship. Although I have high anxiety, social phobia and I come from a pretty abusive family who obviously have personality disorders themselves, - in previous relationships I haven't had the same problems - I have been fine with breakups, happy to be alone, focus on my career and self-esteem etc. I have dx adhd (and probably autism) and I would say most of my distress up until this point has been centered around stress of overstimulating environments, my poor social skills, and specifically related to abuse (actual physical and verbal abuse, not 'imagined' abuse). I don't specifically relate to a fear of abandonment,  I more relate to a fear of abuse and being controlled. I also really struggle when people tell lies (usually when they cover up their abusive behavior).

However the relationship I have just separated from was completely different, I went "full bpd", however, I feel really manipulated and sometimes I feel that he is more bpd than I am. I just want to get some clarity from those on the otherside of bpd (if that's ok with this site). So before this relationship, I was completely independent (and happy), had a career, hobbies, self-esteem, a few friends (though not many because my social skills suck), however at the end of the relationship, I have lost all of those things and am not in a very good place. I'm looking to see if my situation is the fault of my bpd, or of his behavior.

So I would describe my ex as avoidantly attached, I found he would often fail to communicate boundaries, then blame me when I crossed them, e.g. when we first started dating (1-2 months) , I accidently forgot my wallet and was trapped at a petrol station with unpaid fuel, I asked him to help me ( I paid him back immediately of course ) he did come and help me, however he was really grumpy and asked me why I had asked 'him' and not someone else. - I would have been fine if he had just said he was busy, or if he said he wanted to slow down with our relationship, but the way he did it made me feel like I was inappropriate for asking.

He had a lot of issues showing affection, like when I would do something nice for him, like make him a cake or get him a present for his birthday he would always act annoyed, like I was forcing him into intimacy - again he had the ability to decide if he wanted to be in a relationship or not, I wasn't forcing him into anything, but he made me feel like I was.

He asked me to move in with him, and the moment I did, he immediately said he didn't want me to anymore, confused I started crying, he watched me for a while, then said, 'yeah I guess it's ok for you to move in'. But this made me feel like I had emotionally manipulated him into it.

He would also do things like tell me his family didn't like me (but they would have to accept me because they would respect his decision), and fail to set boundaries with his ex. He compared me to his ex a few times, and would see her behind my back and talk about me with her. This made me feel pretty insecure, I'm really ashamed to admit, but I did start to check his phone (specifically around his ex, I didn't care about his other relationships). We had a lot of arguments about it, but once he set boundaries with his ex, I stopped checking his phone.


There were other issues in my life, like my abusive family (physical, verbal) who I no longer have any contact with (please respect this decision, it's well thought out and not a result of 'splitting'), and I was sexually harassed out of my career ( I was not the only women to make sexual harassment complaints, so please don't say I'm imagining abuse). My anxiety started getting really bad, and I was struggling to function. I didn't feel supported in what I was going through and I started to become suicidal. Just to be clear, my suicidal thoughts were more centered around my inability to function and escape abuse, rather than a fear of abandonment or for attention. All I really needed was someone to talk to about the abuse, however my partner involuntary committed me in quite a controlling way. This is when I was diagnosed. Unfortunately, this did not help me, and I do consider the experience to be a human rights violation (I do respect other peoples opinions on this, don't worry I won't argue with anyone). Unfortunately I did develop severe PTSD from this experience, and I would say that was when I started to go 'full bpd'.

So this is when my anxiety got even worse, I became completely isolated and dependent on my partner, developed agoraphobia, couldn't concentrate and started having flashbacks - which I guess would be akin to 'splitting', however these were really centered around my memories of abuse and the involuntary commitment. I tried all kinds of medication and therapy but nothing seemed to work to get me back to who I used to be. I do think there was an issue with therapy and the stigma of bpd, both with myself and with the therapists. I felt really afraid of not being believed, being blamed, or having my intentions taken the wrong way, so it was pretty hard to be vulnerable. I also had some pretty dismissive behavior coming from the therapists so there were a lot of blocks.


My partner became even more avoidant and dismissive of me, and would become violent with me, whenever I would have flashbacks, which I totally get as sometimes I would lash out him. Just to be clear, I didn't lash out at him with every flashback, it was more me reliving memories of being controlled/abused but sometimes he was just collateral damage ( I am so sorry for all of you who have had to deal with the other side of this). I was very unhappy and ashamed with these flashbacks, I made it clear that I did not think I was in the right and did everything I could to treat them, it's not like I was normalsing the behavior or anything. He did put me in hospital with a concussion from kicking me in the face, I wasn't violent with him, but I do understand how distressing flashbacks can be to witness.


His avoidant behavior became worse in this time (which I understand), and I felt more alone in the relationship. He has pretty childish attributes, and finds it hard to have adult conversations ( my terrible social skills are actually better than his). If I tried to have an adult conversation with him he often lashes out, storms off, acts sarcastic, or shuts down. I understand this behavior if I am having a flashback, however when I am not having a flashback, I would actually say I'm pretty calm, reasonable and diplomatic, but he would still act like this. I do understand that he may just be in protective mode whenever he feels there will be conflict as a result of my flashbacks, so I don't fully blame him. Often when I am trying to talk to him, I have to make it very clear to him what my intentions are, and that I am not attacking him. I have to be very selective with the things I bring up with him and let a lot of things go, just to avoid setting him off.

Anyway after years of trying to get better and make things work with him, I decided it was best if I left him as it wasn't good for either of us. He tried to discourage me from leaving, told me think about it etc. however, I was firm and decided that leaving was the best option. I thought it was going to be a positive break up, with mutual understanding, and he would help me get into a good safe place to be financially independent from him. However, a few days after I made this decision, his family showed up to help him move out because apparently "I wouldn't let him leave". They treated me like I was a monster, and everyone refused to have a conversation with me or treat me with respect. Non of the important things like finances were discussed. I really liked and trusted his family but they have all shut me out. I was already struggling with PTSD and it really took me a while to get to a place where I feel like I was confident enough to leave. I am now in a worse place than I was before. I tried to talk to my ex about it, saying how hurt and confused I was and how I would just like to be treated with respect - but everything I do gets put in the context of 'bpd' and misconstrued, like me wanted to get answers is me 'harassing him', me saying that I feel betrayed and am struggling to function is me 'manipulating' or me having a 'fear of abandonment'. All I wanted was respect, and a bit of support to get me in a good place to be independent.

I would love any perspectives anyone has on this, I'm very confused. I feel pretty awful and hopeless. I really tried to have any drama or demonize my ex, so I just don't know how this has happened. I honestly don't know how to feel good about myself and move forward with my life if I'm still this terrible person even when I try my best.

Thanks for listening.

[bloopy]

Hi there.

So I am the one who has been dx bpd (please remove if not allowed), but it's really in context of a particular relationship. Although I have high anxiety, social phobia and I come from a pretty abusive family who obviously have personality disorders themselves, - in previous relationships I haven't had the same problems - I have been fine with breakups, happy to be alone, focus on my career and self-esteem etc. I have dx adhd (and probably autism) and I would say most of my distress up until this point has been centered around stress of overstimulating environments, my poor social skills, and specifically related to abuse (actual physical and verbal abuse, not 'imagined' abuse). I don't specifically relate to a fear of abandonment,  I more relate to a fear of abuse and being controlled. I also really struggle when people tell lies (usually when they cover up their abusive behavior).

However the relationship I have just separated from was completely different, I went "full bpd", however, I feel really manipulated and sometimes I feel that he is more bpd than I am. I just want to get some clarity from those on the otherside of bpd (if that's ok with this site). So before this relationship, I was completely independent (and happy), had a career, hobbies, self-esteem, a few friends (though not many because my social skills suck), however at the end of the relationship, I have lost all of those things and am not in a very good place. I'm looking to see if my situation is the fault of my bpd, or of his behavior.

So I would describe my ex as avoidantly attached, I found he would often fail to communicate boundaries, then blame me when I crossed them, e.g. when we first started dating (1-2 months) , I accidently forgot my wallet and was trapped at a petrol station with unpaid fuel, I asked him to help me ( I paid him back immediately of course ) he did come and help me, however he was really grumpy and asked me why I had asked 'him' and not someone else. - I would have been fine if he had just said he was busy, or if he said he wanted to slow down with our relationship, but the way he did it made me feel like I was inappropriate for asking.

He had a lot of issues showing affection, like when I would do something nice for him, like make him a cake or get him a present for his birthday he would always act annoyed, like I was forcing him into intimacy - again he had the ability to decide if he wanted to be in a relationship or not, I wasn't forcing him into anything, but he made me feel like I was.

He asked me to move in with him, and the moment I did, he immediately said he didn't want me to anymore, confused I started crying, he watched me for a while, then said, 'yeah I guess it's ok for you to move in'. But this made me feel like I had emotionally manipulated him into it.

He would also do things like tell me his family didn't like me (but they would have to accept me because they would respect his decision), and fail to set boundaries with his ex. He compared me to his ex a few times, and would see her behind my back and talk about me with her. This made me feel pretty insecure, I'm really ashamed to admit, but I did start to check his phone (specifically around his ex, I didn't care about his other relationships). We had a lot of arguments about it, but once he set boundaries with his ex, I stopped checking his phone.


There were other issues in my life, like my abusive family (physical, verbal) who I no longer have any contact with (please respect this decision, it's well thought out and not a result of 'splitting'), and I was sexually harassed out of my career ( I was not the only women to make sexual harassment complaints, so please don't say I'm imagining abuse). My anxiety started getting really bad, and I was struggling to function. I didn't feel supported in what I was going through and I started to become suicidal. Just to be clear, my suicidal thoughts were more centered around my inability to function and escape abuse, rather than a fear of abandonment or for attention. All I really needed was someone to talk to about the abuse, however my partner involuntary committed me in quite a controlling way. This is when I was diagnosed. Unfortunately, this did not help me, and I do consider the experience to be a human rights violation (I do respect other peoples opinions on this, don't worry I won't argue with anyone). Unfortunately I did develop severe PTSD from this experience, and I would say that was when I started to go 'full bpd'.

So this is when my anxiety got even worse, I became completely isolated and dependent on my partner, developed agoraphobia, couldn't concentrate and started having flashbacks - which I guess would be akin to 'splitting', however these were really centered around my memories of abuse and the involuntary commitment. I tried all kinds of medication and therapy but nothing seemed to work to get me back to who I used to be. I do think there was an issue with therapy and the stigma of bpd, both with myself and with the therapists. I felt really afraid of not being believed, being blamed, or having my intentions taken the wrong way, so it was pretty hard to be vulnerable. I also had some pretty dismissive behavior coming from the therapists so there were a lot of blocks.


My partner became even more avoidant and dismissive of me, and would become violent with me, whenever I would have flashbacks, which I totally get as sometimes I would lash out him. Just to be clear, I didn't lash out at him with every flashback, it was more me reliving memories of being controlled/abused but sometimes he was just collateral damage ( I am so sorry for all of you who have had to deal with the other side of this). I was very unhappy and ashamed with these flashbacks, I made it clear that I did not think I was in the right and did everything I could to treat them, it's not like I was normalsing the behavior or anything. He did put me in hospital with a concussion from kicking me in the face, I wasn't violent with him, but I do understand how distressing flashbacks can be to witness.


His avoidant behavior became worse in this time (which I understand), and I felt more alone in the relationship. He has pretty childish attributes, and finds it hard to have adult conversations ( my terrible social skills are actually better than his). If I tried to have an adult conversation with him he often lashes out, storms off, acts sarcastic, or shuts down. I understand this behavior if I am having a flashback, however when I am not having a flashback, I would actually say I'm pretty calm, reasonable and diplomatic, but he would still act like this. I do understand that he may just be in protective mode whenever he feels there will be conflict as a result of my flashbacks, so I don't fully blame him. Often when I am trying to talk to him, I have to make it very clear to him what my intentions are, and that I am not attacking him. I have to be very selective with the things I bring up with him and let a lot of things go, just to avoid setting him off.

Anyway after years of trying to get better and make things work with him, I decided it was best if I left him as it wasn't good for either of us. He tried to discourage me from leaving, told me think about it etc. however, I was firm and decided that leaving was the best option. I thought it was going to be a positive break up, with mutual understanding, and he would help me get into a good safe place to be financially independent from him. However, a few days after I made this decision, his family showed up to help him move out because apparently "I wouldn't let him leave". They treated me like I was a monster, and everyone refused to have a conversation with me or treat me with respect. Non of the important things like finances were discussed. I really liked and trusted his family but they have all shut me out. I was already struggling with PTSD and it really took me a while to get to a place where I feel like I was confident enough to leave. I am now in a worse place than I was before. I tried to talk to my ex about it, saying how hurt and confused I was and how I would just like to be treated with respect - but everything I do gets put in the context of 'bpd' and misconstrued, like me wanted to get answers is me 'harassing him', me saying that I feel betrayed and am struggling to function is me 'manipulating' or me having a 'fear of abandonment'. All I wanted was respect, and a bit of support to get me in a good place to be independent.

I would love any perspectives anyone has on this, I'm very confused. I feel pretty awful and hopeless. I really tried to have any drama or demonize my ex, so I just don't know how this has happened. I honestly don't know how to feel good about myself and move forward with my life if I'm still this terrible person even when I try my best.

Thanks for listening.

[bloopy]

I would love any perspectives anyone has on this, I'm very confused. I feel pretty awful and hopeless. I really tried to have any drama or demonize my ex, so I just don't know how this has happened. I honestly don't know how to feel good about myself and move forward with my life if I'm still this terrible person even when I try my best.

* I really tried NOT to have any drama or demonize my ex

[PeteWitsend]

I have read some accounts of people who were borderline & "recovered" or at least recognized how their mood swings & outbursts affected those around them, and learned to control those things.  I think there was an account from a recovered pwBPD in the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells," and I recall the person stating that they would feel awful when they remembered how they treated those close to them.

I was surprised by that, because it seemed to me that there's a real "Catch-22" in some of these behavioral disorders or forms of mental illness, as in if you can recognize and admit you have that issue, you probably don't have that issue. 

Again, just going by things I've read and accounts here, it seems like one of the hallmarks of BPD is that the people who have it are in denial that there is anything wrong with them, their behavior is inappropriate, and remain stubborn and unaccountable for their own actions.

Going by what you're saying here, it seems like you don't fit those criteria.

If your ex was BPD, it's possible that triggered some of these behaviors in you in response to him, but that could mean a lot of things... habits you picked up over time, or a means to cope with his behavior.  I know the more I have to interact with BPDxw, the more negative behavior comes out in me; I'm also more sensitive to perceived slights and confrontational behavior from her. 

Ultimately, if this is something you feel is an issue for you, and you recognize you have a problem, the best course of action is to get counseling for yourself. 

[PeteWitsend]

I'll add, I've read other accounts here that when pwBPD are "cornered" about it by their partners, or told they need therapy or their behavior is out of line, they frequently just point this back at their partners.  That's one of the reasons everyone is consistent in saying "if you suspect your partner is BPD, don't tell them that." 

I also found my ex- was fond of going on marriage advice sites, picking up buzzwords, and telling me that's what I was doing to her, often when I was doing nothing at all, and often in an angry manner. 

[bloopy]

Thanks for your response.

Yeah it's pretty confusing, I guess I'm mainly confused as to why he would lie about me 'not letting him leave' when I was the one who wanted to break up with him. I really had no hate towards him, and wanted us to leave amicably. I have evidence of his physical abuse that I could use against him if I wanted, but I don't want to, I don't want the drama.

I feel like one of the main hurtful things about being labelled bpd is everything gets taken as you are being manipulative, when honesty is really important to me, and I actually stress about self-reflection and if my actions are hurting others. I guess I do find it hard to strike the balance of setting my own boundaries.

Yeah thanks, personal therapy is probably a much options than strangers on the internet haha.

[PeteWitsend]

projection is really common in pwBPD.

They will simply accuse you of doing whatever they're doing, or feeling what they're feeling. 

Not only does it deflect blame and scrutiny from them, but it helps them cope with any guilt they're feeling.

It's really eye-opening to a non-disordered person that someone could not only baselessly accuse them of something, but get angry and aggressive about it when that person was actually the one doing it!

And yeah, if this r/s has left you feeling confused and wondering if you have a mental issue, I think seeing a therapist is an easy way to get some certainty and closure there.

[Clearmind]

If your partner has BPD, their fear of abandonment might make them sensitive to any perceived distance or emotional withdrawal on your part.

I can say this all in hindsight now 15 years out of my relationship but the "perfect" partner for someone with BPD (in my opinion) goes along the lines of:

Unconditional Support - unwavering to the point of exhaustion
Empathy and Understanding - understanding of their struggles. And I will add a disclaimer here: we are empathetic to a point until such time as we are no longer getting what we need either
Stability - often financially as well
Idealisation - attributing us with perfect qualities (although this is unrealistic)
High Tolerance for Emotional Intensity - this is SO IMPORTANT to understand properly - we tend to seek out high intensity relationships.....need to unpack why
Commitment and Loyalty - seek a partner who demonstrates a strong commitment and loyalty, reinforcing a sense of security - although to a fault
Problem-Solver - pwBPD look for someone who takes an active role in resolving issues
Passionate and Engaging - provide excitement and intensity that matches their own emotional landscape
Physical Attraction - plays a significant role especially in those early days of love bombing

Some of these above are wonderful characteristics for anyone to have however we need to understand our motive and the reasons why we stayed despite our efforts not being reciprocated.  

So...everyone on this planet have BPD traits to some degree however may not fit all the diagnostic criteria.

Also Bloopy right now is probably not the best time to be labelling yourself. Just go through the healing process first. Its likely just all a trigger point now given your upbringing.

Can you share which ones in that list above may have rung true for you?

[bloopy]

Thanks for your reply.

Yeah I don't know if I really fit the bill of the 'perfect' person for a bpd partner. I would say that before the relationship, independence was really important for me. I think I felt really misunderstood with my autistic/adhd traits (I would often get criticized for not talking enough or not being friendly enough or just being weird and awkward) so being independent allowed me to control how much I would be exposed to criticism. I was definitely effected by this but I don't think I allowed it to really interfere with my work, life or sense of self. I was still able to find joy and confidence in myself. I do think I am very fun and loving to those I trust, and probably quite tolerant of abusive/disrespectful behavior as it's all I have ever really known.

I was happy to be able to share that joy with someone at the start of the relationship, he was also kind of weird and awkward, so I guess maybe that made him feel understood. I was more confident than he was when we met. One thing I would say about him is he really relies on the people in life to 'lead' him, like he relies on his parents to what I would consider an embarrassing amount for his age. I think he was able to lean me at the start of the relationship when I was more confident, however when I felt like I was in need of a little more support (sexual harassment at work, abuse from my family) is when he really 'turned' on me.

He really made me feel like I was a burden to him for having problems (Even though I don't believe I caused these problems). From that point he really started talking about me to everyone in his life (and telling me how everyone thought I was bad), he started to introduce the idea that there was something wrong with me. It almost felt like he viewed me as competition for all of the relationships in our life, like if he didn't bad mouth me first I was going to do it to him ( I never said anything bad about him to anyone). I understand talking about your relationship to get other people's perspective, but only if you have tried to work it out with your partner first, and I don't think it's appropriate to then tell your partner all of the negative things said about them behind their back, especially since only his side of the story was given.

As far as him being the 'perfect' bpd partner for me .... I really feel like he is the opposite of all of those features. He is a pretty closed off person, although he is weirdly emotional about random things (he cried because a podcast he liked was being cancelled). The person I was in a relationship previous to him was a much more open and loving person, and I would say I really thrived in that relationship.

I do feel like there was a lot of 'testing' from him at the start of the relationship, e.g. him switching to treating me badly/coldly etc. I just put it down to him having insecurities with intimacy and maybe him needing reassurance so I never really called him on it - From this experience, if I ever date again, I would not put up with this, I want to be in a relationship with someone who knows who they are and what they want. 

I do feel like I have also changed a lot since the relationship. Even with my struggles, I would have previously described myself as adventurous, creative, 'zany', funny (for those who share my weird sense of humor), and generally positive. I felt unsure of myself but I would still put myself out there.

Now I'm just a shell. I'm isolated, I'm afraid to leave the house, I don't want to be around anyone, I feel like I'm the most awful negative person in the world, nothing makes any sense. Haha being adhd I used to love EVERYTHING, now nothing makes me happy.

Thanks for the reflections

[Clearmind]

Yeah I don't know if I really fit the bill of the 'perfect' person for a bpd partner. I would say that before the relationship, independence was really important for me.

Dating someone with BPD may have pushed you into dynamics that challenged your independence, which was important to you before.
These relationships come with a lot of emotional intensity and ever-changing boundaries, which can sometimes leave you feeling drained or like you're losing yourself. How did it impact your independence? Did you end up making sacrifices that didn’t sit right with you?

I think I felt really misunderstood with my autistic/adhd traits (I would often get criticized for not talking enough or not being friendly enough or just being weird and awkward) so being independent allowed me to control how much I would be exposed to criticism.

It sounds like being independent helped protect you from criticism, especially when you felt misunderstood due to your autistic/ADHD traits. If your ex with BPD made you feel understood to some degree, it could have been a relief at first. But when boundaries were crossed or you felt taken advantage of, that feeling probably didn’t last BUT we hang on – which led us here to this Board with a lot of confusion about what the heck happened. Its this we need to unpack.

One thing I would say about him is he really relies on the people in life to 'lead' him, like he relies on his parents to what I would consider an embarrassing amount for his age.

He mirrors those around him to prop himself up.
Example: Imagine you're really into hiking, and suddenly your partner with BPD starts talking about how much they love hiking too, even if they never showed interest before. They might start dressing like you, liking the same music, or even sharing the same opinions. It can feel flattering at first, but later you might notice they’re doing it to fit in or avoid conflict, rather than because it’s something they genuinely like.
A friend of mine also dated a pwBPD. One month into her relationship her father got sick and died. Her ex started to treat her terribly. He would say he was going to pick her up to take her dinner and he wouldn’t show up, he would promise the world but never delivered.

he really 'turned' on me.

Yes, and this is when mirroring goes wrong. Your ex does not want to mirror “misery” because he would begin to feel the way you do.
Support in a healthy relationship means being there for each other in a balanced way. You both listen, encourage, and help when needed, without one person taking too much or giving too little. It's about respecting each other's boundaries, being honest, and making sure both people feel valued and heard.

he started to introduce the idea that there was something wrong with me.

Projection in someone with BPD is when they take their own feelings or fears and place them onto someone else. For example, if they’re feeling angry or insecure, they might accuse you of being the one who’s mad at them or not caring about them, even if that’s not true. It’s like they’re seeing their own emotions in you, rather than recognising them as their own.

I don't think it's appropriate to then tell your partner all of the negative things said about them behind their back, especially since only his side of the story was given.

Agree! And this is a massive red flag.

As far as him being the 'perfect' bpd partner for me .... I really feel like he is the opposite of all of those features.

The list in my last post were more features of you not him. Rephrased them here:

Unconditional Support - unwavering support, often to the point of feeling drained.
Empathy and Understanding - deep understanding of their partner's struggles, but there's a limit to their empathy; if their own needs aren't met, they may start to pull back.
Stability - often bring financial stability and a sense of grounding to the relationship.
High Tolerance for Emotional Intensity - drawn to intense, high-emotion relationships, and it’s important to explore why they seek this kind of intensity.
Commitment and Loyalty - look for a partner who shows strong commitment and loyalty, which creates a sense of security, sometimes to an extreme.
Problem-Solver - engage in resolving conflicts and issues, taking a proactive role.
Passionate and Engaging - bring excitement and intensity that matches their partner’s emotional highs.

Now I'm just a shell. I'm isolated, I'm afraid to leave the house, I don't want to be around anyone, I feel like I'm the most awful negative person in the world, nothing makes any sense. Haha being adhd I used to love EVERYTHING, now nothing makes me happy.

It takes time. Your blood was sucked dry. In time Bloopy you will process what part of you stayed and why you chose someone with these “qualities” – we often need to fulfill a need in these relationships and ignore the red flags.
We might choose a relationship with a pwBPD because, at first, the connection can feel intense, passionate, and really exciting. It can feel like we're being completely seen and understood, which is hard to resist. The highs of the relationship—when things are good—are really good, and that can be addictive.
On another level, some of us might be drawn to trying to "fix" or "save" someone, especially if we’re used to chaotic relationships or grew up in environments where love was tied to instability. There’s often this deep emotional pull, but over time, the constant ups and downs can wear us out. It’s a cycle of intense connection mixed with emotional roller coasters. And we feel like an empty shell.
A healthy relationship feels like a partnership where both people respect each other and communicate openly. It’s about feeling safe to be yourself without fear of judgment or emotional rollercoasters. You support each other, but you also give each other space to grow as individuals.
There’s balance—both people give and take equally, and conflicts get worked through calmly without things blowing up. Trust is solid, boundaries are respected, and you can rely on each other in tough times, but you’re also okay spending time apart.
It’s less about constant intensity and more about steady, reliable love that makes you feel secure.

Book recommendation
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life: Susan Anderson
Boundaries: Dr. Henry Cloud
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft