18 year old son with BPD, I'm sad and confused

[Stella13]

Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I’m writing about my 18 year old son. He has always been tough. Diagnosed with various different impairments: high functioning autism, bipolar, borderline, depression, anxiety, mood dysregulation… he has been hospitalized about 8-9 times in the last 11 years. He has been suicidal, although many providers think some manipulation was involved. He is very demotivated. He did not care about homework or school activities. He barely made it through high school because he kept saying he wanted to drop out. We explained why that would be problematic but he didn’t understand or think HS mattered. He had a girlfriend that he broke up with like 4 times for no reason until she finally met someone else and gave up on him. He had a complete manic episode after that and was admitted at the end of HS and missed 6 weeks school and missed graduation, prom, all the senior rituals. He didn’t care. We told him how excited we were for graduation and he didn’t care. HS meant nothing to him. His values are bizarre. He has delusions that he will be the next Elon Musk. The day before college started, he broke his computer mouse while angry at Fortnite and I would not buy him a new one—so he impulsively dropped his classes and now refuses to attend at all. He has ruined so many family events for me. Once we were at an out of town wedding for a weekend and he had a meltdown because his gaming console would not work in the hotel, so my parents had to come get him early in the morning because he was stomping around the hotel room throwing a tantrum and refusing to sleep. He punches walls and damages property when he is angry or criticized. He has punched family members. He has no good friends. I have sat through hours of therapy, caregiver training, self-care books, crisis screenings and school meetings after he got would get suspended for “belligerent” behaviors.
When he dropped out of college I told him he has to go live with dad. It’s been about 45 days. I admit I was a helicopter mom- constantly trying to make sure my son did not do anything dumb, that he took his meds regularly, went to therapy, slept and ate enough, and performed self-care like showering and cutting his nails. Now he is at dad’s and dad is very hands-off. I don’t think my son is taking his meds regularly, and dad says that he is an adult now and if he wants to skip meds then he will have to live with the consequences even if it means going back to hospital. Dad lets him stay up all night gaming, does not provide any structure for him at all and it shows. I spent the last 18 years trying to help my son and keep him out of the hospital or even jail. Now he is being verbally abusive from dad’s house. Telling me I am a terrible mother and I need mental help. Telling me that EVERYONE knows that I am the problem and I made him like this. That I am controlling. He takes zero accountability for anything. Tells me I made him anxious by correcting him and trying to make him more responsible, and that I gave him all these issues. He even told me that he only needs me for money and he gets nothing else from me. This is torture and I have no one to talk to. My family has all overachieving kids with no mental issues so I am the outcast and feel like I failed as a mother. Now he hates me. After all I did and sacrificed. I know I was not a perfect mother- I would sometimes yell and have to be honest with him which triggers him- but I did my best. And now he barely wants to speak with me and keeps threatening “no contact” because he watches too many Youtube and Tiktok videos about kids disowning their “awful” parents. How can I get some peace from this??

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome.  Wow, that's a lot to deal with and I honestly got stressed reading it.  So much echoed my experiences with my 25 year old BPD, bi-polar daughter (who also has many of those "maybe" diagnoses as well).

With my kid, she followed the same path as yours and at 18, out she went.  Then she made terrible decisions, burned bridges with other family members, ended up in a halfway house...and the story just keeps spiraling downward.  You don't want those details.

Like you, I stayed on top of my kid as the "tough parent"- take your meds, clean your room, do your homework, etc.  Like you, I was hated with a passion.  I can tell you, however, if I could do everything over again, that I'd still be the tough parent since that's what she needed growing up.

However, here's where our stories part ways.  I didn't have a hands-off type of ex to send my mid to (we were still married and together).  That's what your kid needs right now though, because he didn't learn right from wrong growing up.  That's okay, mine didn't either....that's not on you.

What your kid needs now more than anything is to see how the world actually works.  And it's going to suck for everyone involved.  But if my kid said that she only needed me for money, then I'd go no contact in a heartbeat and wish her luck in the real world.

You see, doing those one-way relationships...it's devastating.  You get emotionally destroyed, he gets enabled to be an even worse person.  Everyone loses in that circumstance, so it's great that he's with dad now.  Let him experience the real world on his own terms, even if it means hospitalization.  In that one instance, your ex is correct in that approach.

I know this is tough to hear, but you need to be loyal to your own mental health 1st and foremost.  If your kid wants to be dumb, then let him be dumb on his own terms.  You have to let him live that heartbreak firsthand so he understands that he can't live life that way.  And until he realizes it for himself, noting you or anyone else says will make a difference.

This is his life and his lessons to learn.  Like you, I couldn't teach them to my daughter...she learned them on her own and they were devastating.  But that was her choice and you have to let your son choose as well.  Don't allow him to abuse you any longer, and don't send money either.  Let him learn what it means to be an adult.

I hope that helps!

[Swimmy55]

Welcome Stella13,
I echo what Pook075 stated .  Your focus now is to shore yourself up and take care of you.  Writing to us is a great first step and thank you for adding us to your support network.  Keep repeating to yourself," What others think of me is none of my business."  especially regarding your son.   

Some of us ( me included) go to therapy and join 12 step programs( free and online, like CODA ( Co dependent's anonymous ).  I am in Nar anon as my bpd adult son has mental illness and substance abuse issues.   My son is estranged now because I refused to subsidize his drug lifestyle. These steps listed above have helped me tremendously with detaching with love  and keeping the focus on me.    Please write back as you have need. We are here and we understand.

[CC43]

Hi Stella,

Honestly your post made me feel stressed out, so I can imagine how sad and confused you must feel.  What I'm concluding is that you did an amazing job, getting your son through high school and enrolled in college, DESPITE his destructive, disrespectful and self-sabotaging behaviors.  I bet you feel exhausted and disillusioned, too.  One might think, that with 18 years of modelling healthy lifestyle behaviors and enforcing them in your household, he would have learned a lesson or two from you by now.  Alas, his lack of emotion control and disordered/delusional thinking are severely handicapping him.  I bet he feels entitled and maintains high expectations for you to do things for him, while at the same time he resents you for making him feel dependent.  Even so, that he graduated and enrolled in college indicate to me that he's a smart cookie, especially as he has had to overcome significant emotional issues. 

Your son's accusations sound a lot like projection to me.  When he tells you are "a terrible mother and need mental help," what is likely happening is that he himself feels terrible and mentally confused, but instead of acknowledging his feelings and taking responsibility, he's playing the victim, turning around and blaming you for all his woes.  I think you understand that already, as you state he takes zero accountability for anything.  In my opinion, the pervasive victim attitude is one of the most debilitating aspects of BPD.  For as long as he believes he's a victim, he thinks everyone else should change, not him.  But he's the reason for his problems, and he's also the solution.  He just hasn't figured that out yet.  He hasn't had to figure it out yet, because he was a kid, and you were taking care of him, and despite your efforts, he insisted on doing things his way. 

I tend to agree with Pook, that if you send him money, you might be enabling his dysfunction well into adulthood.  Despite all your efforts, he hasn't yet learned healthy habits that enable an independent, productive life, and he hasn't accepted that he has mental health issues that need attention.  Now he's an adult, and he's responsible for his choices.  He will likely to try to punish you by going no contact for a time.  But I strongly suspect that he will return to ask you for money when he runs out (unless his father continues to support him and allow him to do whatever he wants).  I have no idea how long this situation might last.  It sounds like your son has "enjoyed" 45 days of doing nothing (except play videogames, I assume).  But I think that when he does nothing, he starts to feel like nothing, and then depression and/or aggression might kick in.  Maybe he'll have a blow-up at his dad's, which might land him in a hospital, which wouldn't be the worst thing, because then he might get the treatment that he really needs.  If his dad imposes any rules or stops giving him money, maybe he'll run away, but my guess is if that happens, he'll come around and ask you for money and/or housing.  But you're not at that juncture yet.

My view is that adults shouldn't be enabled to be NEETT--not in employment, education, training or therapy.  It sounds like your son is NEETT right now.  I'd say, if he wants any money or support from you, he must not be disrespectful or NEETT.  My stepdaughter was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago, and she was NEETT for an extended period, and it was horrible for everyone, especially her.  I wish she hadn't been enabled to be NEETT for so long.