My adult daughter lives with me and has BPD

[Hope Wellgood]

My 35 year old daughter has BPD. It seems it has been something with her for many years. We are extremely close - I even thought we love each other too much because she seems very dependant on me. I raised her and her sister alone. We did all kinds of things together and they were always first. Her father was not in the picture and I think she struggled. She would say things like "Why doesn't he love me?  He doesn't even pay child support like he is supposed to?"  I arranged for her to meet him when she was about 13 and they spent the day together and she came home and told me she hated it and never wanted to spend time with him again. He didn't seem interested in her interests and she preferred to keep things as they were. 

A few years later I was prescribed a pain medication. I would never think in a million years she would end up stealing them but she did in a lot of creative ways. She would steal some of them and replace them with pills that looked like them (like aspirin)  I eventually found out - and this began years of her stealing prescription pain meds.  I stopped any med she would be interested in because living in the same house she always found some way to find them and get to them including watching a video about how to open a safe I bought to keep them in. She began self harm along the way cutting or burning herself with cigarettes. I couldn't believe my beautiful daughter was doing this.  We talked about it and she said she hated herself for taking my meds knowing I needed them but the buzz she felt from the pills made her feel happiness even though it was just for a little while. This is when I stopped all meds. She stopped self harm when I said if she kept doing it - I would do it to myself. I was bluffing but it worked and she stopped.  She was engaged for a short time and her pill usage resulted in that  ending. She says she knows it's her own fault but the guy moved here to be with her and when he broke the engagement
he moved back to his home several states away.  She took this very hard and still is motbover it.

I lost my job and we ended up having to move out of our home for the past 15 years.  My daughter was 28 at the time. She had to stay with an acquaintance and I stayed with my boyfriend.  My other daughter was already living with her boyfriend. I had no choice but to stay with my boyfriend and she and I were living apart for the first time.  She was not happy and I was very worried about the situation she was living in. I got some money in a settlement and left my boyfriend's place and got an apartment so she could come stay with me.

Then the drinking started. It escalated quickly and I didn't even recognize her anymore. This is when the BPD really showed up. She would get very drunk and start raging about anything and everything. She would say absolutely horrible things that my daughter would never say to me in her right mind.  Before I knew it I would engage with her in these arguments and though we would make up within hours the hurt of her actions and my response would bother me for days. The drinking git worse and I felt I was watching her die before my eyes.  The pain was palpable. I found 30-day rehab that would accept her insurance. I told her she had to go to rehab. She refused. I told her she had to do that or go somewhere else to live.  She went.  It was nice not to worry about her dying somewhere  for 30 days. She was drinking again within 2 weeks after leaving rehab. I called the rehab center and asked could she return and they said yes.  The first time she admitted she and a guy also in rehab got together and she didn't take rehab serious. 

She was pretty mad about going back again but I couldn't live with the fights, her being drunk sun up to sun down, not working, and the major anxiety and depression it was causing me. 

After another 35 days she came home.  She looked so very beautiful.  She glowed.  I couldn't stop telling her how beautiful and radiant she looked. That was three years ago and she has been clean from alcohol and drugs ever since.  We seldom ever argued.  She was getting overwhelmed at her job and quit. She actually quit the next one too after a while. I am on disability and I think she just wants to be home with me.  She doesn't seem to want to go back to  work. She gets frustrated and overwhelmed easily. When she does she becomes very irrational, slams things, throws things and says really horrible things to me. Instead of reacting I try to just let her rage for about 10-30 min.  After she cries, rages, says awful things and calms down a little we will both sincerely apologize and tell each other we love each other and hug and things will be great until next time. Things have been financially very hard since she isn't working and helping with things.  Almost everyday she has a melt down saying she hates this, not having much money and why can't things just work out for us and blaming everyone and mainly herself. She knows she needs to work to have the things she wants but it's like she just.  She on an anti-depressant which helps a little sometimes. 

I'm just not sure what to do any more.  This has caused problems in the family with my other daughter.  We want to help her but don't know how. It is like she feels all her emotions to the very extreme. She can be funny and sweet also.  I just want her to be happy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[anon3232]

> I'm just not sure what to do any more.  This has caused problems in the family with my other daughter.  We want to help her but don't know how. It is like she feels all her emotions to the very extreme. She can be funny and sweet also.  I just want her to be happy.

Story of so many of us :'(

[anon3232]

> Almost everyday she has a melt down saying she hates this, not having much money and why can't things just work out for us and blaming everyone and mainly herself. She knows she needs to work to have the things she wants but it's like she just.  She on an anti-depressant which helps a little sometimes. 

I want to add that my sister has this too. She is envious of everyone around her (including us, her siblings) for earning much more than her but she does not want to get out of her comfort zone. She hates renting and losing money on rent but she does not want to go through the hassle of buying a place. She does not want to do the paper work, does not want to borrow money, does not want to sacrifice anything. She just wants to lay flat, do nothing, and everything to magically work out. She is envious of bums who live off of their parents and does not conceive how her self-esteem would be at rock bottom if she is in their shoes.

Anyway, the TLDR is that she hates everything. She hates status quo, she hates change, and she does not want to sacrifice. She is incompatible with adulthood.

I suspect that describes part of your daughter too. pwBPD are often described as toddlers that never grew up. Unfortunately, parents are not all-powerful enough to provide for their adult needs when they throw a tantrum

[js friend]

Hi Hope Wellgood,

Just my thoughts but im wondering if your dd would be more open to doing outpatient therapy rather than inpatient?

I see that there maybe some hope with your dd doing further therapy as she shows some introspect of her behaviour on others and even shows remorse which my udd certainly does not, but as we all know therapy will only be successful for our pwbdp if they are willing to put in the hard work in order to change. So far it seems that your dd has done therapy when she has thought she has something to lose....her home with you, or your love....so in her mind she is doing it for all the wrong reasons and not taking it seriously as you say.

I was able to get to see a family therapist when my udd was a teen and she loved talking about herself and all the woes in her life, but when she was admitted to a hospital after a self harm  incident she clammed up and refused to speak to the psychologist. She wouldnt even confirm her name! I think the thought of possibly being kept in hospital for her mental health scared my udd and so it achieved very little but maybe it was also because the setting for her just wasnt right at the time, and also because she was only 15yo, but I see that there maybe hope for op therapy for your dd, or even joint therapy for the two of you to perhaps  be more successful but only if she is willing.