Have I done the right thing?

[Zuzmat]

HI all,
I am hoping some of you may be able to advise me or reassure me because I am currently feeling absolutely wretched and like the worst mother in the world.
My daughter, who is 25, lives about 300 miles from us and has done so for about two years.  In May she had a crisis and was suicidal and so we brought her home for a while to get her back on her feet.  It was a disaster. Soon after moving back in, she bounced back quickly and before long was acting out in fairly typical ways – getting excessively drunk, being abusive, fighting with her sister, staying out overnight without informing us etc. When we told her that we thought it was time for her to go home, she said that she would kill herself if we made her leave.
In July, she had another crisis and ended up in hospital on this occasion.  I dropped everything to race down to be with her.  I stayed for 9 days, visiting her, cleaning her flat, stocking her cupboards etc.  The minute she was out of hospital, she went off with a boyfriend and told me I was no longer required.
Last month I went away with her sister for a weekend break – something I have done with Daughter no.1 many times.  She found out and was extremely angry – feeling that she was left out and unloved - claiming that she would kill her sister, and that she really meant it – she would really “show her what suffering was like”.
Roll on to three weeks ago.  Another crisis.  She was suicidal again and told us this was the lowest she had ever been, that she was desperate. She begged to come home. This time we said no.  After taking advice from a therapist I am seeing (who is a specialist in BPD), we felt it was time we established boundaries and stop swooping in to help her every time.  We would not let her come home.
So, things have been a little frosty between us since.  This morning, I reached out to her and tried to explain my reasoning – that we are encouraging her to stand on her own two feet, that we will always love and support her but there need to be boundaries in place for all of us.  Well, in response I have been told that I am the worst mother in the world, that I wouldn’t have turned my back on her if she had cancer, that she can’t help having an illness and all she asked for was a little help, she was genuinely desperate and I didn't help, that she will never forgive me, I have done irreparable damage to our relationship etc
I feel so bad – guilty and miserable – because I think perhaps she is right. But I just don’t know how to deal with this.  It has been 11 years.  There is always a crisis of some kind.  Am I not entitled to some quality of life?  Am I not supposed to consider my younger daughter who is still living at home?  Do I have to put myself in the firing line for abuse and to be used again and again? But surely she is right - it is just an illness like cancer.  I wouldn't pick and choose when to help if it was cancer.
Any advice / reassurance is most welcome.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Zurmat,

Tough though it may seem, I think you did the right thing.  You see, by rescuing your daughter, you likely enable her to continue with her unhealthy habits--drinking too much, acting abusive, fighting with family members and not getting the therapy she needs.  Just because she has emotional issues doesn't give her a free pass to act disrespectfully towards you, let alone make death threats.  It would be one thing if she stayed with you temporarily, while being committed to getting help, acting kindly with her sister and helping you around the house.  It's another thing entirely if she's using you for money/free labor, blaming you for all her problems, spewing hatred your way and making death threats, and then running off and ignoring adult responsibilities like work, medical treatment and/or schooling.

It sounds to me like she's trying to guilt you into giving her money and support.  Since you've tried to establish healthy boundaries, she's upping the ante by threatening suicide, in order to get what she wants.  My stepdaughter with BPD did this, and I called it her toxic, "nuclear" phase.  I didn't just have a bully living with me--she was an emotional terrorist!  At some point, I came to realize that there's no negotiating with a terrorist, because every time I give in to her threats, the list of demands becomes ever longer and more extreme.  Would it be fair to say that her neediness seems desperate and never-ending?  That even though you do everything she asks, she has no intention of working on herself or taking therapy seriously?  Does she have a persistent victim attitude, believing that YOU (and everyone else) are the cause of all her woes, and that YOU have to change, not her?   Unfortunately, this attitude is typical of BPD.  The victim attitude is so strong that she feels no guilt or responsibility for treating you badly.  She might think that you deserve to be punished and in pain, so that you begin to understand the pain that she's feeling.  This attitude is pernicious and destructive to your relationship, as well as to her own mental health.  My opinion is it's the worst thing about BPD.

Look, I know this is heart-wrenching.  It's terrible watching your daughter self-destruct.  I know you want to help her, but there's a delicate line between helping and enabling.  What you write sounds more like enabling to me, because of the death threats and the recurrent crises.  You deserve a peaceful life, including weekends away.  I made the mistake of "dropping everything" when my adult stepdaughter had crises, including cancelling various vacations and weekends away, in order to stay with her and "babysit" her.  I think the message that sends her is that her father and I don't deserve to have vacations, and that she just can't handle living as an adult!  You're not modeling what a healthy adult life looks like if you never enjoy a weekend away with a family member or friends.

In my family, it got to the point of my stepdaughter "hitting bottom" after serious suicide attempts and hospital stays before she decided to take therapy seriously.  Her dad eventually gave her an ultimatum--he would support her only if she did everything the doctors said.  I believe that her doctors also gave her an ultimatum, since they had tried all sorts of different therapies and she wasn't responding to them, so the next time she attempted suicide, she'd be involuntarily committed.  She could choose to do her own thing, but then she'd be on her own, and/or committed against her will.  For her, the choice became an easy one.

Finally, I think if your daughter is a credible threat to herself or others, you dial 911.  If you don't, you run the risk of invalidating her, believing she's not truly in pain and not serious about trying to kill herself or another family member.  If you call 911, don't be surprised if she turns around and accuses you of making threats or assaulting her.  That's just twisted BPD thinking in action.  But maybe by calling 911, she ends up in the hospital and gets some help that she needs.

I think it's good you're getting therapy and some reassurance about how to handle BPD.  It seems so difficult and all-consuming.

[js friend]

Hi Zurmat,

I think that you absolutely did the right thing. Where do our lives begin??? 
My udd left home at 17yo and it was bliss, She had always wanted to leave home and made sure we all knew she felt that way so when the time came it was easy to let her go and experience life with all its ups and downs and Iam pleased to say she is now 31yo, has 3 kids and has a roof over her head. I found that coming out of the FOG (FEAR, OBLIGATION, GUILT)we hold as  do parents really worked for me. Having firm boundaries are very important too to protect ourselves from the abuse, disrespect, and entitlement from many of our pwbpd.
When it comes to other siblings my udd when growing up also took a lot of time and attention from them and I and her sibings have often been accused of  favourtism, abuse, jealousy, abandonment, hatred etc....Over the years I have learnt not to take these accusations to heart as often pwbpd use their feelings as facts and they can change them again quite easily in another moment. My udd is estranged from all her siblings now and refuses to meet with them which is sad but it also means no-one is forced to do anything they dont want to do. They are all adults now and make their own choices. I think you did the right thing to meet with one of your dd's at a time if it causes such a terrible reaction, but just know that you have a right to be in the company of and enjoy your life with whoever you like.

[Sancho]

Hi Zuzmat
I spent a lot of money and time trying to help my DD become independent. At one point I came to the establishing one rule for myself: I won't go round in circles again.

You have gone round the loop of coming home and this would be a rerun. I notice you say DD asked '3 weeks ago' so I am assuming you have held the line for that length of time and there is still some contact though frosty.

When we draw a line we trigger intense emotional abandonment - and this can be tricky because somehow my DD is able to confront me with things that trigger my guilt and also my sense of responsibility to 'fix it'.

You cannot compare cancer and BPD.

But it got you wondering and sent you down the rabbit hole of guilt and responsibility.

One other rule I have for myself is to use reasoning in any response I make - not emotions. This is the case because when you are drawn into the emotional turmoil, you are the one left there and the circle goes around. We all have experienced the same as you have - you respond unconditionally, worried sick, and then the crisis/emotional hurricane passes and our loved DD person gets back with boyfriend/goes back to old lifestyle etc and we are left emotional wrecks.

The intensity of the emotional turmoil of BPD is huge - but often it reduces, just as quickly as it rises. So I try to stay as non- emotional as I can and get my reasoning side into gear as quickly as possible.

So I would hold the line and refuse to listen to anything that is going on in my head that is part of the emotional turmoil.

You have done so well. This is a new stage and I hope you can ride the storm. Just remember to tell yourself you didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

[Zuzmat]

Thank you such much for the kind replies and words of wisdom.  Your support and reassurance means so much.

My daughter is only talking to me at the moment because my husband and I are helping her to buy an apartment - the idea being, to give her security and place she can invest love and ownership into.  She has told me that once I "have sorted out the apartment, we are done."  The entitlement and ingratitude are quite astonishing.

[Zuzmat]

Thank you such much for the kind replies and words of wisdom.  Your support and reassurance means so much.

My daughter is only talking to me at the moment because my husband and I are helping her to buy an apartment - the idea being, to give her security and place she can invest love and ownership into.  She has told me that once I "have sorted out the apartment, we are done."  The entitlement and ingratitude are quite astonishing.

The only thing that keeps me here is biology / blood.  In any other circumstances I would be long gone.  The hatred, abuse, vitriol, inability to take any responsibility for anything, total lack of appreciation, the drama, the trauma, blame-game, the victimhood is unending.

Sending unconditional admiration and sympathy to all warriors living through this nightmare.