I ended up in the ER. I Think the stress of my HwuBPD was too much.

[JazzSinger]

Chest pain and general weakness and shakiness, led me to the ER yesterday.  My HwuBPD had  just stepped out after one of his milder rants about hating our home — a place I purchased years ago, and our lovely home for 20 years.  But he never stops complaining.

After he left, I thought I might faint. And I had chest pains. I took an Uber to the nearest ER. I didn’t want him with me — he’d have only complained, all the way to the ER.

I was diagnosed with a very high heart rate, but all of my labs came back normal. I asked if stress could do this to me.  I was told, yes. They gave me some fluids and sent me home.  In the interim, my husband stopped by the ER, but didn’t stay long. Truth be told, I didn’t want him there. He sat down and immediately started complaining about his back.  It told him I didn’t know how long I’d be there, and maybe he shouldn’t wait. So  he  went home to get started on dinner.  I was relieved.

I still had very mild chest discomfort  the next day, and then it went away.  I was told I could see a cardiologist, even though everything appeared to be normal.  I feel I had a panic attack, or it was pure exhaustion. I told my PCP about it, and he was very nonchalant after reviewing my labs.

I’m very concerned.  How long can I last with this man?  I’ve been researching more coping mechanisms, and I’m setting firmer boundaries.  I’m also getting out more, and I’ll be talking to my therapist more frequently.  I feel better already, but this is awful.  Just yesterday he said something to me, and something in my chest stirred, but I calmed myself down.  It’s interesting that my body is responding now, but when he was in a much worse place for a whole year, I was strong, and made it through. 

To be clear, I have an acid reflux/esophageal problem that can cause pain behind the sternum. I think maybe it was further exacerbated by his behavior. The shakiness and weakness was new. 

I’ve got to do better. It’s about ME, because he’s not changing.  It’s about my self-care, because I can’t afford to leave, and I can’t afford a lawyer.  I must rebuild my resolve to NEVER let him break me. And I have to bring my friends closer. I have to find more outlets.

I had a scary experience.  It shocked me. But I’m still here. I will NOT let him get the best of me. I can go out and take a walk when he gets to be too much.  I can leave the room. I can be grateful for the good times, because they do still exist. 

Thank you for letting me vent. I don’t know what I’d do without this website.

[Notwendy]

That is a scary situation and glad all is well.

Do you have adult children? While I don't suggest you vent to them, it is likely they are aware of your situation and are concerned about you. It was concerning to see the dynamics between my parents when my father needed medical care.

In Karpan triangle dynamics, my BPD mother is in "victim" perspective- Dad was the rescuer/caretaker. If he had a medical situation- this did not fit into this dynamic. I think you saw an example of this when your H was with you in the ER and was complaining rather than asking about you. This isn't personal to you. He's coping in his own way.

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your adult children. In the US, the typical relationship is that, at some point, adult children take on some kind of caring relationship with aging parents. With dysfunctional family dynamics- this can become challenging. You see now that your H isn't capable of helping you.

How much decision making someone hands over to adult children is variable and there are pros and cons to doing so. Although you feel you can not afford an attorney, it's probably less costly to have a consultation with an elder law attorney than to have your H be in charge of making decisions. If you don't feel you have reliable adult children- then an attorney can suggest a way to set something else up for you.

What just happened to you is scary- for you, and if you have adult children- scary for them.

[ForeverDad]

I too have had stomach pain.  At my last colonoscopy I asked the doctor to do an endoscopy too.  He found the beginnings of an esophageal ulcer.  He put me on stomach acid meds for a few months but then I discussed with him about using sauerkraut instead.  He said I could switch and so I keep a container of sauerkraut in my refrigerator for whenever my stomach feels unsettled.  It seems to help, but of course I'm not dealing with your level of daily stress.

[At Bay]

I’m so sorry to hear of your trip to the ER, and you’re so smart to do it without his help which in my experience exacerbates whatever is happening. A nurse once told me my blood pressure dropped 8 numbers after he left. At one point I had been looking for something to throw at him, and was not myself at all. (Intake areas have nothing loose left nearby.)  I told her he won’t rise to the occasion or be a good sport if he can avoid it.

Stress can surely have all sorts of negative effects on our bodies, and a panic attack feels like an out-of-body experience as I recall. Harder regardless because of the difficulty understanding what might be happening. Smart to get it checked out and shame on your doctor for being nonchalant about it. Not helpful!

[JazzSinger]

I’m so sorry to hear of your trip to the ER, and you’re so smart to do it without his help which in my experience exacerbates whatever is happening. A nurse once told me my blood pressure dropped 8 numbers after he left. At one point I had been looking for something to throw at him, and was not myself at all. (Intake areas have nothing loose left nearby.)  I told her he won’t rise to the occasion or be a good sport if he can avoid it.

Stress can surely have all sorts of negative effects on our bodies, and a panic attack feels like an out-of-body experience as I recall. Harder regardless because of the difficulty understanding what might be happening. Smart to get it checked out and shame on your doctor for being nonchalant about it. Not helpful!

At Bay,

Thanks so much. 

The silver lining here is that I’ll never let him put me in the ER again. 

I’m going to breathe, stop, and resist absorbing the crazy, irritating things he says. I MUST. It’s a matter of preserving my health.  And if he’s totally out of control, I’ll either leave the room, or leave the house, depending on the severity. Because no one should have to put up with a ranting, raving, out of control person.  I’ll stay away until I think he’s calmed down.  Hopefully, it won’t require an overnight stay anywhere. But if it does, I might have to pay for an Uber and a hotel.  I’ll cross that bridge when and if I come to it.  So far, he’s been mild to moderate, but mostly mild. 

It’s all about me and my health. 

Thanks so much.

[townhouse]

Hello Jazz singer, I was sorry to hear that your anxiety about dealing with your BPD H ended up with your visit to the ER. Good that you went and got yourself checked out.

I do sympathise with you and your older husband. This is the case with my older husband as well. We seem to have come to the end of the road in our relationship and I can’t see it getting any better.

He does or always used to come around to his old self or rather the self he wishes to portray to me. But the times of him getting upset, taking offence and fighting with me are getting more and more frequent with little respite in between. He is constantly on social media and takes the least popular view on things to an almost but not quite conspiracy theory degree. He lectures me constantly and if I do not have the correct response… he takes offence.

I have been practicing validation and all the rules mentioned here for so many years and it has helped. Like you though I am becoming tired of the constant strain of having to watch what I say all the while and I now slip up and blurt out “home truths”. I guess I just don’t care anymore.

Take care and best wishes to you.