Long term partner wanting away from relationship

[FutureSelf99]

Hi Everyone, my first post not something I've ever done before, I'm just going to hope to get some advice. It's probably going to be fairly long, sorry.

Been with my partner since 16 years old, she had an awful upbringing and had tried to commit suicide not long before we got together. She became pregnant about a month later and we're still together 14 years later with our teenager. I'm obviously going to summarise a very long relationship, but ultimately we have been completely faithful to eachother throughout, there's not any big problems in terms of doing wrong to the other etc. She hit a rock bottom in her early 20s and ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a few weeks. Eventually diagnosed with BPD and severe depression.

I have always been super patient with her and the general pattern of outbursts were  her being snappy and moody over something small, we argue and she ends up breaking down after we push through to the actual cause of the issue, she apologises and usually cries.

Over the years I have definitely reduced the quality of my own individual life for the sake of the family and I've never had regrets. Things like me having a lot of friends and options to do things, overtime I just turned them down entirely until it became common that I'm just ever present. It felt bad to go out and have fun if I knew she was depressed and sad at home on her own and I could be spending time with her and trying to improve the quality of her life to match how I felt towards mine.

So skipping ahead to recently, we moved house back in April 22, she then had a huge eczema outbreak on her face. She had always been terrified of this as she had issues with bullying growing up and there's no doubt it was an awfil outbreak all over her face, it was her worst nightmare come true (shes always had major appearance worries despite being clearly beautiful) and it went on for 8 months. She would cry everyday and it was just a constant issue for her. I then lost my nan in October last year and she was like a mum figure more and it hit me very hard. So fast forward to Feb, she fell pregnant for the first time since we were 16. She doesn't want another child and despite being a genuinely great mother, it's only natural she wanted independence from more children and for her, like everyone, motherhood has been a difficult experience despite sharing a great relationship with our child. I was very sad because deep down I could have another, I wouldn't choose to for similar reasons to my partner and I just didn't want to ever abort a child I've created. But, it's her body, I would never force her to have a child and she definitely didn't want an abortion but felt it was right for her. We didn't get to even make the decision in the end after her knowing for about a month and waiting for a checkup. I didn't do enough for her emotionally I don't think. So, we carried on as usual, I've not read the signs as I was always in tuned with that she's depressed and needs more help than the daily support I was offering. Her boss at her job was pregnant and it just destroyed my partner being there all the time and she was crying so much to the point I told her to just hand her notice in and we would find her somewhere else soon enough. So, she finished her job, got a new one a couple days before we flew off for a family holiday life seemed to be on a great turn. She was feeling happy, the holiday went perfect.

So she started this new job about three months ago, has always needed me a lot and has had to live through me to fix things for her in life, basic stuff. I've always pushed her independence and confidence because I had the mentality she needs to grow and also if I was dead tomorrow she would survive. I've been her biggest supporter.

The new job is in the city and has a big drinking culture. She quickly went from her usual self to about a week and half in now immersed in a world of drinking most days, even during working hours. She quickly has become emotionally cold, fallen out of love for me, completely checked out of family life. She is neglecting extended family aswell and all the signs are common symptoms are there of how someone with BPD acts.

She has totally devalued our relationship and at times has seemed surprised at my devastation over her just switching off and wanting something different. She hasn't cheated on me, I have access to her banks (she knows this), i know who's she's with, where and she isn't staying out overnight, just staying out late enough that she only has time to sleep and repeat.

She clearly has a new 'favourite person' in a new friend at work and after learning about the concept of it I've realised shes had people that were her FP in the past and she doesnt speak to any of them anymore.

The most longest of stories short, she's showing clear signs to me of someone suffering the symptoms of her BPD and it's only because of my patience and shock and refusal to leave myself that the relationship is still going. She hasn't actually left me once just spoken about how she doesn't know if she wants the relationship anymore. At times it's got heated and I've gone to leave she completely turns and either stops me or accuses me of being like her dad that wasn't around. I know about the whole push-pull, relationship cycles and all the common behaviours of someone with BPD and either I'm just kidding myself or she is suffering and it's all been pushed onto me in a way like never before. It's all about her finding her true self and happiness and being independent.

She doesn't take medication anymore, she kind of goes through life with the belief that she can do it with no support and doesn't want her mental health to define her life. She doesn't know what BPD actually does and I'm trying to introduce these things to her properly but she's just rejecting a lot of it as me being manipulative and she's happy in her new life, I'm the only issue.

She still relies on me though even financially to keep up the habits and appearances with going out with new colleagues.

We're still physical together, she's honest about it being great for her and no matter what she's said over the years that's never been close to a problem, but instead of her drawing closer to me after the act, she goes back into a push effect with me.

Her only negative thing she draws on toward me is me not taking her out enough over the last say 5-6 years. The problem was she didn't have a good friend group of girls and she gained this about 6 years ago. We struggled financially and I shielded her from this so rather than me say no to her going and doing stuff with her girls over these years, I would make sure she was able to do it whilst i kept up appearances. It was easier to support her positive growth after years of hardship than bog her down with financial burdens when I knew she just struggles with numbers in general and can't deal with much pressure. At times a simple yes to something keeps the train flowing positively and I was just so scared and remembered her worst, I'd do anything to avoid her going there again. She grew resentful towards me while I was doing everything I could to keep the ship afloat.

I feel betrayed the moment she feels like life clicked she is happy to discard who supported her to get there like no other and at many times when she had no other. We have grown up together she's been my best friend and life partner.

Nobody should have to stay tied to someone if they don't want to, but this seems like a complex issue of her running from her true identity and it's easier to shed this 14 year relationship and chase the fun into the horizon, hoping it fills her void than confront the fact she has BPD.
By not wanting to allow her mental health to define who she is, she's allowing her mental health to dictate her actions and decision making.

She's in action trying to do the right thing as of now, it feels like there's a slow acceptance happening but I just wanted advice as to whether I'm just kidding myself and this woman can just turn off her love for me the moment she feels she doesn't need me anymore?

She has no real plan for the future or life without me if she left me, it feels like a cry deep cry for help in some ways.

Sorry for the long post!!

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