I cant do this anymore

[BIRD86]

I am tired of being treated like garbage by my own 20 daughter.
I am her puppet to manipulate. I feel like I don't have the patience anymore.
I have sacrifice so much as a mother and all this is unfair.

I don't know how all of the parents here are sad because the BPD went not contact.

I wish mine would leave me alone. I don't want to see her or speak to her. I don't even wanna celebrate
anything with her or include her on life events anymore. A little interaction with her leaves me drained and anxious. I am considering no contact for my on sanity and health.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there Bird,

I imagine that your daughter has really put you through the wringer for you to feel so desperate and wanting to give up on her.  I also imagine that you're here because at some level, you don't want to give up on your daughter.  The dilemma is, how to keep loving her when she's acting hateful/disrespectful/entitled/juvenile towards you, while simultaneously asking you for money/housing/free labor/credit card/insurance/co-signing and treating you like you're garbage/demonic/psycho/evil/the-worst-mother-on-the-planet.  She probably has exceedingly high expectations for you, while providing absolutely nothing in return, except for venom.  Does that sound about right?  At one point, I couldn't help compare my diagnosed stepdaughter with the girl from The Exorcist, as she was a once sweet and beautiful girl suddenly possessed by some sort of demon.  Daily marijuana use certainly made her more psychotic and demonic.  Does that ring true to you?

I think that if you're at the end of your rope, you need to focus on you, to preserve your sanity.  Your daughter doesn't really want your help; what she wants is for you to enable her to continue just as she is.  Alas, she might have to hit bottom before she realizes that she needs to get some help.  That's what happened to my stepdaughter.  Only by hitting bottom did she realize that she had to make some changes, so that she could have a chance of feeling better.  Before hitting bottom, she had to experience various failures while she tried to make her way in the adult world.  It was really hard to watch, and she was given many second/third/fourth/fifth chances, but her out-of-control BPD symptoms resulted in self-sabotage at every turn.  She wasn't happy with any living situation, and she tried several of them!  She had to realize that the only common denominator was her, and her despair.  The best place for her was a hospital for a time, and then an in-patient facility, until she got the right combination of therapy, medication and, most importantly, a change of mindset.  Historically, I felt that she was "indulging" in her own feelings of negativity/worthlessness/victimhood, using those feelings as an excuse to remain dysfunctional and lash out at everyone.  Now with medications and therapy, she seems less moody and generally less hostile.  I'm sure she still has disordered thinking and challenges with emotion control, but overall her "episodes" are less severe in frequency, intensity and duration.  She's on a much better path now.  But I confess, many times I started to lose hope for her, because she was steadfast in clinging to her victim status.  She was so stubborn, a champion of negativity.  If only she could harness that intensity and discipline towards a productive pursuit, she'd be outstanding.

I'm not sure what to advise you, except to focus on self-care, and to see that there is some hope.  My number one piece of advice is not to enable your daughter to use illicit substances (by giving her cash), as I feel that marijuana magnified and prolonged my stepdaughter's dysfunction.  My opinion is that marijuana almost killed her.  And it may be that you need a period of no contact, while you focus on repairing your health.  If that's what you need, I'd suggest giving it a try.  Maybe you avoid contact for a week, and see how that goes, and then re-assess at that time.

All my best to you.

[Granite Chief]

Boundaries are a must. Does your child live with you?

[BIRD86]

HELLO CC43,

Thank you for your kind words.

you have described my daughter 100%.

My daughter doesn't live with me anymore. She does have a job therefore I cannot control her bank account. She use Marihuana daily I have tried to get her help. put her in therapy and substance abuse program however she doesn't accept that she needs help she refuses therapy and medication.
Basically is out of my hands I try to talk to her to get help but all she does it get mad. she's currently in relationship with and abusive guy and every time they have a fight I become her punch bag and i cannot take this anymore I need at least 6 months of no contact with her.

[BPDstinks]

...my thoughts these days:  Jesus Take The Wheel

[js friend]

Hi Bird,

I know how feel.

My udd left home at 17yo  and I have never looked back. I never begged her to reconsider and come back home because it was honestly a relief after so many years of abuse and dysfunction. Having her out of my home meant that  I was finally in a position to work on myself and gain some kind of sanity back. LC worked for the both us for many years until udd decided on NC. It has been 4 years now which Iam ok with and  "It is what is" as they say.

[Flossy]

Hi Bird,

I know how feel.

My udd left home at 17yo  and I have never looked back. I never begged her to reconsider and come back home because it was honestly a relief after so many years of abuse and dysfunction. Having her out of my home meant that  I was finally in a position to work on myself and gain some kind of sanity back. LC worked for the both us for many years until udd decided on NC. It has been 4 years now which Iam ok with and  "It is what is" as they say.

Hi all,
I feel the same. It has been 15 years now. My life is so much better. Three years since I tried again, or felt pain and sorrow. I am ok with it now. May I say I dont want her back. I watched a new therapist on Youtube. An 'expert' on BPD. He believes that when they have a thought they truly believe it is a fact. Eg: I wonder if my mother could be considered neglectful that she put me in a private girls school without any religious training....equals.......My mother did not care that I felt "funny" when I did not know how to pray in the Catholic school.

She never knew how she felt, but often said she felt funny if I asked her a serious question. She never freely gave information. She was secretive, manipulative, lied and became whoever and whatever the latest boyfriend wanted her to be. She used drugs, alcohol, sex and lies on a regular basis and put herself in multiple situations of danger to her own life.

Then she married a wealthy controlling Narcissistic man who is also part of a family who values money and status but lives their lives with lies, manipulation and fights to maintain control of each other through money.

I tell the truth, can have a great day with a chat and cup of coffee at a lovely cafe and I am a bad person in her eyes. Actually I dont even know if she sees me as a bad person. She wont tell me what she thinks of me. She will only admit to being angry. I have not spoken to her for ten years now.

I no longer mind. Sometimes I do wonder if she will care when I am gone, but I dont even really mind if she doesn't. I got to live the last 3-4 years mostly without pain, sorrow, torment or guilt. I know I am ethical and I try to learn how to be a better person every day. I also know I have courage. She lacks ethics and courage and I no longer care "why". I also no longer see it as my duty to help her to learn or find out why she is this way.  She is 53. I put at least 50 years into trying and I will not waste one more minute of my precious lovely tiny life. That one fleeting minute may come once a month, but I push it aside and keep living and enjoying my lovely day without the hell of BPD being allowed anywhere in it, from anyone, even my daughter.

[Joyful Noise]

Wow. These posts, although describing tragic situations, sound really healthy!  Great acceptance of harsh realities and subsequent boundary setting!  Thanks for the constructive behavioral modeling. :~)
 
My son (married to a VERY bpd wife who has intensely and solely targeted me) is not allowed ANY contact with me; his mom -or his sisters (whom he used to be very close with) or apparently any of his friends he grew up with.. He lives in a vacuum of a cult with this young woman. His only social contacts are work-related (sanctioned by her) and with his diagnosed malignant narcissist, sociopath father who financed a house for them and got her a job in his world (so, the ex. owns them).   -Very little light of day gets in to my son at all.. 

Dear son and I are now at 5.5 years into no contact.  -We did see each other for twenty minutes 1.7 years ago when I spontaneously went to his house with the goal of just seeing his face. He lives 8.6 miles away from me.
This unplanned meeting was extraordinary. Both of us were fighting back tears as he asked me repeatedly if he and I could get together (it was clear to me that I would not be allowed to even meet my young grandchildren -still have not been allowed to meet them).

In this meeting, my son kept asking if I was OK and if I had been OK.  -I could not respond was so traumatized and so afraid I might say the wrong thing.  I just stood there beaming at him. After a while I stepped towards him to give him a hug and as I finally found words. I said quietly, "I don't think this has been any easier on you than it's been on me." His eyes filled with tears as he nodded his head and wrapped his arms tightly around me.

Nine months following this amazing gift of a meeting, everything crashed again and all contact was cut off (texts and phone calls). His bpd wife had again convinced him he needed to block me out of his life. He sounded like a very different person as he sent me angry texts telling me what I had done wrong.   -I could see the targeting rising again over several months leading up to this cut-off. I didn't think I should address it head-on as he would have to choose between his wife and his mother; not something any young adult should have to do.

So, I took the fall.  And now, it's been another year of silence since then. 

Then, this morning I was informed, via my brother; his uncle (the only person in our entire extended family on my side who is allowed to be in contact with him) that my son and his bpd wife are delivering  a third child "any day now".
I had no idea they were expecting.

With this sudden drop of such a momentous event -with no lead-in, I feel thrown; back to the beginning of this nightmare; to learning -after the fact- that my son got married, to learning -after the fact- that he had his first child and again, -after the fact- the arrival of the second child.  All these important (and joyful, under normal circumstances) milestones of my son's adult life that I am so intentionally cut out of, over and over again.
It's been -it continues to be, gutting for me. 

I am fully aware that nothing will change until -or if, my son changes; if/when he finds it within himself to draw a boundary with the pwbpd in his life and stand up for himself; to demand to be able to have relationships with his mom and his sisters and others, to be able to be in contact with HIMSELF. 

My gut sense is that he has entered into some kind of a bargain to keep the peace at home -and to not lose his kids..   

I used to worry about my daughters; watching that they dated emotionally healthy guys and talking with them about their relationships in depth when they came to me to talk.  As a single mom, it never occurred to me that my son (a son) was at JUST as much risk and needed just as much guidance. He was even coming to me to talk about how he was struggling in this relationship with this young woman when they were dating and although I listened, I held back on offering my opinions b/c I thought I should not interfere. 

He was ASKING for help -and I sat silent..