Catastrophic Ending To Relationship

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Hello, I am new here. My relationship to my X-fiance came to a catastrophic ending where he created a situation in which I was allegedly the perpetrator and he was the victim. The result ended in DCF removing our child that we share together and placing him temporarily with my sister while we both work through case plan and reunify.

Back story: This is my first relationship after divorce to my first husband in who was a habitual cheater. I didn’t take time to heal from that and immediately went into a relationship with my BPD partner. I ignored every red flag.

[Olive_U]

Hello, I am new here. My relationship to my X-fiance came to a catastrophic ending where he created a situation in which I was allegedly the perpetrator and he was the victim. The result ended in DCF removing our child that we share together and placing him temporarily with my sister while we both work through case plan and reunify.

Back story: This is my first relationship after divorce to my first husband in who was a habitual cheater. I didn’t take time to heal from that and immediately went into a relationship with my BPD partner. I ignored every red flag.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome!  Though the circumstances are stressful, you've found a good place to ponder your situation, address the issues and strategize practical solutions.  Over the years we here in peer support have accumulated a wealth of perspectives and approaches, so we know what typically works and what typically doesn't.

Working through the case plan makes sense but what does reunify mean?  Are you expected to get back your your ex-fiance?

This is your child with him?  In general terms, in what age group is your child, toddler, preschool, elementary age?  That would help us understand the scenario.

[Olive_U]

Hello, Thank you for your response. I have no intention of re-unifying with my X-partner/father to my child. I refer to reunify as reunifying with my child as DCF removed my child from my home based on the DV situation that ended my and BPD X's relationship. The child that was removed is 1 years old.

[Olive_U]

To be honest. I wrote a very long post and do not see the details of that post. Only the first two paragraphs. I may need to post again.

[Olive_U]

Original Post Intended:

Hello, I am new here. My relationship to my X-fiance came to a catastrophic ending where he created a situation in which I was allegedly the perpetrator and he was the victim. The result ended in DCF removing our child that we share together and placing him temporarily with my sister while we both work through case plan and reunify.

Back story: This is my first relationship after divorce to my first husband in who was a habitual cheater. I didn’t take time to heal from that and immediately went into a relationship with my BPD partner. I ignored every red flag.

[kells76]

To be honest. I wrote a very long post and do not see the details of that post. Only the first two paragraphs. I may need to post again.

Hi and welcome! Glad you found us and are already getting some support.

It is possible that your post may have gone over the 16000 character limit, and that is why it isn't fully showing up. Feel free to try posting smaller sections in separate posts; maybe that will help?

Best;

kells76

[ForeverDad]

the DV situation that ended my and BPD X's relationship

Many who arrive here have their lives so in chaos that sometimes they return to the adult relationship, often after hearing their X either blaming them or promising it can be fixed.  The reality is that unless the disordered person seeks and applies meaningful therapy then the dysfunctional cycles back and forth will continue, or worsen.

This is not to say that only the other can benefit from experienced or professional perspectives.  I've seen counselors, probably everyone here has too.  Finding a helpful counselor is not something that would make you look bad.  I often quote something my lawyer told me... Court loves counseling.  It can give you additional perspectives and strategies to live a better life.

Yes, your X probably would resist or even quit that option, but you can benefit.

[Olive_U]

 I ignored it all. For a few years life was great. He told the big stories. Always pushed the can down the road for goals we set together like him being financially independent and he continued to drain all of us (me, and my 2 kids) to fight his X wife in court for their son. There were many, many beautiful times we had together, but as he became invalidated within his custody battle (GAL didn’t recommend anytime with him), then his health declined and he got state 3 colon cancer. When his health started declining I started seeing the mental health issues and anger rages surface. His argumentative nature and extreme victim complex hit an all time high. Sex disappeared.

I started taking video of these rages. I started seeking couples counseling and therapists  kept dropping us and warning me I needed to leave him. Then I got pregnant with our son. As bad as it got, how could I throw him out of my home, and on the streets. The father to my kid. Cancer. Chemotherapy. I was trapped. After chemotherapy the anger rages got intense. He saw a psychiatrist. They tried two antipsychotics (one being serequel) and an antidepressant. He refused to take the serequel. He refused to be admitted to a hospital when his rages got out of control and I continued to enable him instead of let authorities handle him.

[Olive_U]

I snapped. I couldn’t take his abuse anymore. I couldn’t take the way he spoke to my two children from my first marriage or me.I was called insidious names on the daily all while being the sole provider. I couldn’t take him not financially contributing. I couldn’t take the disorganized thinking. The argumentative nature of his communication. I couldn’t handle the absolute inability to have a conversation that resulted in compromise or collaborative agreement.

He cornered me. He framed me. Now I have to pick up the pieces. I have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on the clean up within my life. The destruction that has been caused me and my business plus him leaving my home and life. Watching him split has been absolutely heartbreaking. We cannot even get through a court ordered coparenting session without him having a meltdown. Last session he had an anger rage in front of the therapist even flicking me off through the zoom camera and calling me horrendous and evil. He has sent me death wishes. All being sent to the courts.

[Olive_U]

I am safe now. My home is free from anger, rages, and fear. My two children from my previous marriage are safe and home with me. We are all happy and picking up the pieces and healing. My youngest child with whom I had with my BPD X is safe with my sister as I work with DCF to reunify. How do I keep my youngest safe. How will DCF see his true colors and keep my child from my X BPD and grant custody to me. I feel relieved to be free from the relationship, but I am fearful of my youngest being reunified with my X, instead of me first since technically I am the “perpetrator.” I feel that the people around us is starting to see my action was reactive and not a pattern. As his are patterns of abuse and mental illness.

What is my best strategy with DCF to voice my concerns, but not look as if I am projecting. It’s been two months since our catastrophic ending. Two months filled with me doing damage control on my life, my 20 year career/business, and working with the courts to get my youngest child back. I feel so defeated. Sometimes I am engulfed with sadness and the only thing that gets me through the next day is knowing…. My kids are safe now. If I had to go through this and be the alleged perpetrator for that moment in time to get to the point where my kids are safe…. I would do it all over again. My kids are safe. That’s the only thing that I have now to hang to and I know one day sooner the later everyone will see the truth for what it was.

How do I safely reunify with my son first and show the state who he really is? As if he hasn’t already started to… he has. But what else can I do?

[Olive_U]

OK, I was able to post my whole story in many replies. I am now looking for advice on the situation.

[ForeverDad]

He has a history of poor behavior.  And acting out.*  Ensure the documentation is presented  While most therapists and other professionals refuse to testify in family court, they do provide information to Custody Evaluators and Guardian ad Litems (GAL - children's lawyer).

If he has no visitation with a child from a former marriage, then there may be some documentation there as well.

Right now you need to establish that he manipulated the incident, apparently framing you.  Probably that's the adult relationship aspect.  Then, or perhaps simultaneously, you'll need to become the primary parent so your child has a stable and secure future.

Of course, you need more than documenting his poor acting out patterns.  You need to demonstrate that you're not the problem person, but rather, that you are the one who is stable, caring and are consistently seeking solutions.

[Olive_U]

Thank you for the responses. The one regarding the GAL is very helpful. We are not there yet in the dependency case. However, we are getting close. I do believe at this point everyone involved knows the truth about the incident. However, there are steps I have to take to prove myself now. He has completely lost it in his anger rages with our care manager, DCF, the judge, therapists, and others. He has also sent me texts wishing I would die, and one in a gruesome way. All have been sent to attorneys and DCF.

As a result, he has anger management classes, DV classes, coparenting classes (which he is a completely maniac in), proof of stable income/employment must be established. I have my own case plan to follow which I am almost complete with. I have now graduated to unsupervised time with my youngest child so I believe I am making more progress than him.

Personal therapy is not on my case plan, but I have our same couples therapist that was working with us before who is now seeing not of us separately. He has seen my X partner’s outbursts and he is the one who suggested he had BPD. My question is I am feeling that this could get sticky having the same therapist as my X who is highly manipulative. Should I change therapists?

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi, Olive_U,

Do you have a family attorney?

I would talk with the therapist about the possible "stickiness" of him being both your and your ex's therapist.

What kinds of things are on your case plan for reunification? Does ex have supervised visits with your child?

Definitely document every behavior and save texts or emails from him.

[Olive_U]

Hi,

Yes, I have an attorney who represents me in the dependency case, and now the family case because he filed a child support order on me even though neither one of us has our child in our custody so yes I am well represented. He has a public defender in the dependency case and a pro-se in the family case.

I have talked to the therapist about the "stickiness" and he doesn't seem to think it impacts him, but the sessions have gotten uncomfortable and my X has tried to get DCF to speak to him even though it's not in my case plan.

My case plan includes stable income, stable housing, co-parenting therapy, and a BIP course. I am almost complete. My X does have supervised, but not unsupervised (like me) because he has shown his anger rages to everyone involved. He has not exercised supervised time, and I am assuming due to the distance our son is at and no financial resources for gas.

I have documented everything. Including his sleeping in court-ordered co-parenting therapy.

[ForeverDad]

Your ex is an adult.  He could straighten out his life if only he chose to do so.  As you are both adults, it is not your job to fix him.  His life is his problem and your life is your task.

I write the above because we here also got "stuck" in lousy situations  because we were Nice Guys and Nice Gals and were too kind and too inclined to be overly fair.  And we got taken advantage of and burned badly.

So beware of listening to your otherwise excellent sense of fairness.  In scenarios like this it could sabotage you badly.  Of course, we would never be nasty but, on the other hand, don't expose yourself or your child unnecessarily to risks that can and should be avoided or rejected.

[I Am Redeemed]

It sounds like you are on the right track.

If the sessions with your T are uncomfortable and ex is trying to get the T to talk to DCF, maybe it's worth looking for someone else. Therapy should be a safe space for you.

I lost custody of my kids for DV with an ubpdxh, and I know that the hoop jumping with CPS can be frustrating and discouraging. It's good you have appropriate representation.

Can I ask what is a BIP? I'm not familiar with that.

I think if you continue with fulfilling your case plan requirements and let ex do what he does, it will become completely clear to the court which parent is stable and which parent isn't.

[Olive_U]

You are exactly right. This is why my license (medical) is now compromised, my career, my sense of safety, custody of my youngest, my other children's peace, and much more were compromised in the art of being "fair," I need to be reminded daily that I owe him NOTHING and I almost lost EVERYTHING because of my sense of being fair. Thank You.

[Olive_U]

RE: BIP

Batterers Intervention Program. Because of the incident, I was labeled the perpetrator (in that particular moment) and because of the legal system, I accepted that role as the fastest way to get out of this situation and move on with my life. CPS is tough, but I have proven my position as the actual victim and not the perpetrator and I am proving I am the only stable parent in the equation. Now we just work through the legal system.

[Olive_U]

What is: ubpdxh

[GaGrl]

Undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder Ex-Husband.

[Olive_U]

How do you know when and if your child is safe with the BPD coparent? As another writer suggested our loyal to fairness often creates situations where we get burned. I want to protect my child, are BPDs ever safe with children. And when do you know they are.

[ForeverDad]

What is: ubpdxh

Undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder Ex-Husband.

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