My Story

[Rudi]

I have a 36 year old daughter with BPD.  She started showing signs of BPD in her early 20s, so we have been living with this for quite some time.  In her 20s, when she was using alcohol and drugs in addition to heavy prescription drugs for anxiety and ADHD, she was irresponsible, impulsive, aggressive and sometimes extremely violent.  Alcohol abuse came to an end about 2 years ago after a serious roll-over accident that left her with a severe concussion, traumatic brain injury and nerve pain along her side.  She has been undergoing physical therapy, psychiatric therapy, LENS, and a slew of other treatments.  She is no longer violent and is less aggressive, and I understand she is in pain, but nothing I do to help is ever enough.  Her therapists and probation counselors have gone through great lengths to help her enroll in Medicaid and Disability, but she can’t put in the effort to follow through on the paperwork.   Going to the mailbox to check the mail or following up on e-mail correspondence is asking too much.  She is always miserable and wretched.  She acts out her pain and makes no effort to work through it.
My big stumbling block to setting boundaries is my 8-year-old grandchild of whom she has joint custody.  He lives with her throughout the week and stays with his father on weekends.  I pay for her townhouse to live in, her utilities and Internet which she says she can’t keep track of because of her severe ADHD.   I cook for them daily, I do their laundry, and for a long time I drove my grandchild to and from school and karate.  A counselor finally convinced her to take over the driving and karate, but she makes known that this is a very heavy burden on her; she is able to go shopping, though.  When I suggested she switch custody roles with her ex-husband to ease her physical demands, I was berated and threatened with never seeing my grandchild again.  My grandchild is very worried about his mother, and she takes full advantage of his worry.  She cries and self-harms around him and asks him to do chores for her.  I am afraid to speak up around her because that ends up making his life harder.   My grandchild is a wonderful, loving child, but is now in therapy himself for self-harming.  When my grandchild leaves for the weekend, the text messages start pouring in with death wishes and suicide threats.   She says she has nobody to talk to, but when we invite her to come over, she doesn’t and when she is at our house, she immediately seeks out a bedroom to rest.  At the dinner table she is engaged with her phone. There is no opportunity to talk.  Although she has an on-line psychiatrist, I don’t believe she shares her own behavior with them.  She’s a very shy and pleasant person around others.  She refuses in-patient services stating they will treat her like an imbecile, and she would rather be euthanized.  I am getting up there in age and worry about what the future holds for her and my grandchild.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

oh my goodness, your story makes me want to cry a little....(the timing of this!) (as if I don't have issues with my OWN pwBPD (my daughter) my granddaughters' mother (long story, the oldest is my only biological granddaughter, though, I love the other 2 just the same) anyway...the mother (no relation to me, my son's "fling") has threatened me for the 8 years (same age as yours!) of my granddaughter's life; blocking than unblocking me on FB....this most recent "stint" has been a week & i am getting nervous b/c I constantly worry about those kids; she claims she has BPD, though, even her own mother knows nothing of this; I, too, worry about those kids, especially, the oldest, as she is showing signs of lying, repeating nasty things her mother says (I practically raised those girls when they were babies, so....point being, I understand 1000 percent the very fine line "one" has to walk...I will light a candle at church for you and your unfortunate situation (I wish I had words of encouragement, but...I am in a pretty frail boat myself! Feel free to reach out, if you like!

[Rudi]

Thank you for the prayers.  I wish you all the best with your grandchildren.  I could handle the abuse if it was only about me, but it seems so cruel to the children involved.  As long as I do the laundry, I know she's dependent on me and won't withhold my grandchild.

[CC43]

Hi Rudi,

Unfortunately, your story is an all too familiar one to many parents on these boards.  I understand your worries.  Though you don't really mention it, I bet you've felt despair and utter exhaustion, because it sounds like you're doing most of the work to keep your daughter and grandson alive and well.  I understand the difficulty around setting boundaries, because you fear that your daughter might harm your innocent grandson.

Your description of your daughter's visits echoes what my diagnosed stepdaughter would do when she was in her early 20s and not getting treatment.  She'd complain that she had no friends and no companionship, and so we'd invite her to our house.  Typically she'd say she would come for a visit, if only to get a couple of home-cooked meals and some extra cash.  However, 4 out of 5 times she'd stand us up, with no notice, let alone an apology.  My husband would call or text her to check in, and she'd typically not answer for a couple of days, leading him to worry.  The rare times she would show up, she'd often act passive-aggressively, if not with outward hostility.  She seemed to interpret a greeting like "Hi, nice to see you" as an insult and react accordingly.  She'd typically grab something out of the refrigerator and then disappear into a bedroom or the basement TV room for hours.  She'd usually take naps, though I could hardly believe that she was able to sleep for so many hours of the day--I thought she'd be over-rested and bored out of her mind, but apparently her phone was sufficient entertainment to keep her "imprisoned" in the supine position.  She could barely engage in conversation; she might answer a question or two, but she would not "converse" nor show any interest whatsoever in other people or current events.  She wouldn't come to meals when called, let alone offer to help in meal preparation or cleaning up.  So when I saw her, she was basically a zombie.

I'm not sure how to advise you, except to say that my stepdaughter had to hit bottom before she accepted that she needed to get help to feel better.  Until that point, she was convinced that she was the victim of all sorts of abuses, which became an excuse for her to act out with hostility and/or self-harm.  For years, my husband over-functioned for her, in the name of keeping her alive, because whenever she didn't get what she wanted, she'd make suicidal gestures or attempts.  But like your daughter, she was able to "pull herself together" to do things she wanted, and she could be a very pleasant person around people she wanted to impress.  The temporary appearance of "normality" would give me some hope for her.  However, her negativity about herself and others would invariably take over, and whenever she faced stress or disappointments, and she'd act impulsively with meanness or self-sabotaging behaviors.  Let's face it:  it's impossible to shield an adult from any and all stress, and she seemed so adverse to feeling stress that she self-destructed.  Basically she hit bottom when she quit everything--school, work, hobbies--and when she lost every last one of her friends.  Like your daughter, she always felt miserable and wretched.  At some point though, she realized that she didn't want to feel that way any longer, and she decided to take therapy seriously to feel better.  Thankfully, she's doing much better now.  Though she's had some setbacks, and her negative thinking is still a challenge, her episodes of disordered thinking have diminished in frequency, severity and duration.  She is functioning better now, and she's on track towards becoming more independent.

I think it's interesting that your daughter's BPD behaviors started in her early 20s, which is what happened with my stepdaughter.  I'm wondering, was your daughter a good student in high school, and did she have friends?  My stepdaughter was like that, which made it easier (at least for me) to have hope that, if she was "functional" before, she could be "functional" again.  I mean, even a kindergartener is typically able to have some responsibilities, like getting dressed in the morning, making her bed, going to school five days a week, putting away her toys, washing her hands before eating, coming to the table at mealtimes, saying please and thank you and taking a bath before bed.  When my stepdaughter was at her worst, she didn't seem to be able to do any of those things that even a kindergartener could do.  I felt that it was partly her dad's fault for enabling her to become that dysfunctional.  It seemed to me that by enabling my stepdaughter to do nothing all day and night, she ended up feeling like nothing--worthless, aimless, hopeless and better off euthanized.  It was terrible.  But after getting treatment, she gradually increased her activity level, and with every activity and increased responsibility, I think she built up her confidence and started to rebuild her identity.  A critical change was when she started talking about the future, rather than ruminating full-time about past negative events and purported instances of abuse.

The thing is, you have a grandson to worry about.  If you try to enforce boundaries with your daughter, she might fight back by taking it out on her kid.  There are other parents on this site in the same situation who probably have better advice than I do about that.  One thing you might do is offer to give your daughter a break by looking after the grandchild.  By making the offer about her and her needs, she might be less likely to be jealous of the attention the child is getting.

[js friend]

Hi Rudy,

Im so sorry you are going through this.

For years I have been through a very similar senario with my own udd until she decided to go NC 4 years ago.

I miss my gc and worry how they will mentally get through it make it to adulthood. The father is around but he scarcely sees them due to udd often preventing it and also his own issues, and she has only remained in  contact with 2 members of my family that I know of, and again this is not consistent.

In my experience, the more I did for my gc the more my udd expected me to do without gratitude or even help with any financial contribution...as you are experiencing.

One example .... Some nights she would just turn up on my doorstep(no prior call/text) with the gc already out of the car saying she was tired and could I have them for the night. Of course I would say yes because one gc was usually already half way in the door and I didnt have a heart to turn them away. The upshot of this would be interrupted sleep, late nights  and  I would have to miss a day of work and pay, but I did it because I love my gc and knew that they were happy being with me....and udd took advantage of this, and it began to happen more often until I put a stop to it. I understand the threat over not seeing your gc but you also have to think of your own health. I imagine that your dd has a washing machine at her condo. She should be using it to do her own laundry so I think you could start there. I used keep clothes and coats that I would buy for my gc at my house that I washed and replaced as often udd would dress them in clothes that werent appropiate for the weather, so it was just easier to do this.

My eldest gc was dealing with so much stress at home the last time I saw her before NC but didnt want me to confront udd because she was scared of what udd would do. g/c had even began to self harm. Fortunately I was able to speak with udd's s/w and brought up gc's self harm so they could look further into what was going on at home. I even told g/c that I may not see her again for quite a while as I knew udd would go NC because I had spoken out against her. I dont know what the outcome was but Iam glad that I spoke up for my gc no matter the consequences from udd. At least I know that it was documented.

I dont know what to tell you other than for now try not to worry about being cut off. The threat will always be there. Enjoy your gc as much as you can while you can. I have some great memories of being with my gc and reassure myself that I always did my best.

 

[js friend]

sorry.....i just saw this bit.

As long as I do the laundry, I know she's dependent on me and won't withhold my grandchild.

I think she is much more dependant on you than just doing her laundry. You provide a roof over her head, you pay her utilities, you pay her cable and you cook daily for her.
 
Now that's a lot...... Please try to spend some time taking care of yourself.

[Ourworld]

Hi Rudi,
Your daughter is 36 and can be somewhat responsible for herself and this child she is negatively raising. As long as you take care of everything for her she will not make the effort to become more independent; such as getting on Medicare, Disability payments, and she could probably get food stamps and other assistance.
And as long as the child sees his mother not taking responsibility for her own well-being, his will continue on a downhill spiral.

You do need to set some boundaries, a suggestion might be to let her know that you will provide her the townhome and even internet, but that you can help her to obtain Disability pay, so she can begin paying for her own utilities and grocery bills.
You have got to stop spoon-feeding her every whim, for instance, why can’t she do her own laundry?

I know you love your daughter and grandchild and are trying to give their life some semblance of normal, but it is NOT normal for a 36-yr old MOTHER to be 100% dependent on her parents; and your precious grandchild is seeing this in addition to his own mother acting out!

It is up to you to be strong, use some tough-love, and put an end to this.
You will not lose the loving bond you have already built with your grandchild, but for his sake, you really need to put your foot down and insist that your daughter becomes somewhat responsible for her own life.

As difficult as this may be, she cannot just pull completely away from you since she still relies on you in so many ways. Albeit she will probably use her child as a pawn to try and get what she wants and has always gotten from you, but the child really needs to see his own mother take some responsibility or he will grow up expecting others to take care of him too. There may be a brief time that you and the child miss each other as she comes to terms with changes, but he will return to you.

The first-step will be obtaining her Medicare eligibility and getting her Disability payments started from ss (SSDI), it might be best to start them coming to you, that way you will know for sure how much she can afford.

I have mentored someone diagnosed with Complex PTSD, Extreme Schizophrenia and Agoraphobia who lives a pretty full life! He has gotten what he’s entitled to (100% military disability in addition to SSDI). He pays his own bills and is successfully raising a puppy!
Plus he makes extra income posting song music online that he writes for his own therapy. He sees 2-3 psychiatrists because of the seriousness of his condition, yet he manages to handle a lot! He also has a TBI and has endured injuries; he was in the Special Forces for the military so has seen and endured a lot of hardships, yet he’s thriving!

My point is that your daughter can handle a lot more than you think.

I wish you the best, OurWorld

[Rudi]

Thank you so much for your responses and words of encouragement. They really mean a lot and help me to not feel so alone.  I had the crisis team come to her house today because the suicide threats were relentless.  They also told me that I need to stop providing so much support and that I am setting a bad example for my grandchild.  I will try to work on setting boundaries and see how things go moving forward.

[Ourworld]

Hi Rudi,
One other thing I wanted to mention is that he orders his groceries that are delivered and cooks his own meals. She can do this too!

OurWorld

[CC43]

Hi Rudi,

I often thought that my stepdaughter’s BPD was worsened by her smartphone “addiction”.  On the one hand, she spent hours entertained on the phone, drowning out time for productive pursuits. On the other hand, she had FOMO, as she witnessed her peers’ curated online adult lives, but she was stuck home alone and isolated, harboring feelings of jealousy and low self esteem. Finally I think she felt alienated and adrift, living in a fake online world instead of a real one. She would send mean texts that I doubt she’d express in person, and she lost many friends and relationships with family that way.

Thus if it were up to me, I’d start with the phone. A 36 year old should be able to work to earn the privilege of a smartphone. Could she walk dogs, babysit or clean houses?  Maybe she could feed a neighbor’s cat during a vacation?  Deliver groceries or drive a car pool?  Rake leaves or shovel snow?  Shelve books at a library?  There should be something she could do.

If I were you I’d consider getting her a land line for safety but that’s it. If she wants a smartphone or internet for entertainment, then she needs to work for it. I’d even say the same about cable TV. If she’s comfortable at home with screens all day and you’re taking care of everything else, she’s probably perfectly content with her situation and has little motivation to change. If she needs internet, she can go to the library. That way, at least she’d need to get out of bed, get dressed and see other people. Maybe your grandson would love to go to the library with mom.

Just my two cents.

[Ourworld]

Dear Rudi,

I just want to say that it is easy to get blind-sided by those we love and how glad I am that you began to realize what has happened and reached out for help and advice.
And there are people here who can relate to what has transpired in your life, so know that there will be people here to encourage and even advise you on your journey.

Most importantly, always remember the three CCCs-You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you certainly cannot Cure it.

All you can do is deal with it and we are here for you!

OurWorld

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders