adult daughter wth possible BPD

[hurtmama]

My adult daughter, 29, exhibits a lot of traits of BPD.  Our relationship is now virtually one-sided. She won't ask how I am or what I'm up to. I feel I'm only there to listen to her gripe to me (and at me). There is very little compassion
 or curiosity towards me. She is highly critical of everything I do, say, or wear. I truly think that she doesn't like me at all. I try to remember to just love her and be there for her, but it is very hard on me. Anyone else experience this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Hurtmama
BPD is such an awful condition in the way it affects not only the individual concerned but those who lovingly support them.

I was only thinking today - something I have thought about often - about so often the person who is there for someone with BPD so often becomes the 'target of blame', ie the one that is blamed for everything that is not right (because the BPD person cannot bear to feel that they are responsible for anything that goes wrong - it is just top painful, too much to bear).

So the one person who possibly is the most eager to help, to work with etc, just gets pushed aside.

In some instances we do feel that the person we knew, the child we loved is no longer 'present' to us. I have given up now, but previously I used to try to prompt my DD to understanding if I was not well or in pain for some reason - but EVERY time I would hardly get through the sentence before DD would start talking about what was wrong with her, her pain etc - and of course no-one understands!

You are right - and this is the case for me too - that it becomes just a one sided relationship. It took a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that all this was what BPD actually IS!

And so we grieve the awful loss while at the same time trying to deal with all the other aspects of this condition - abuse, blaming, chaos, financial strain etc.

And because it is so one sided, we need to find a space just to nurture and appreciate who we are ourselves. We have a heavy burden to carry through out lives, but our lives are precious too.

Thank you for posting. It means a lot to know that there are others out there grieving and coping with the tremendous chaos that is associated with BPD

[Somerset]

I am the adult daughter of a mother who really struggles, but the words that you said in your post regarding your daughter sound exactly like what she would say of me. Multiple therapists have put the breaks on that narrative after reading texts, seeing her in action. She says she walks on eggshells around me, but it's because I have boundaries and she has none. She hears boundaries as an attack because she is hurting. She does not share with me but interprets my sharing as only thinking about myself. My father has told me she thrives on helping other people and would love nothing better than to be able to problem solving with me, hence the sharing of minor bumps in the road. I stopped sharing because I didn't really need to share with her for myself and she was criticizing it. When I stopped sharing so much she accused me of not sharing my life with her and decided I needed rescuing. All the while she wants me to ask about her life instead of her sharing what she feels like sharing. So, I'm skeptical of what you're saying about your daughter.