Estranged Son's Upcoming Birthday

[smurark]

My son will be turning 29 in November.  It has been 2 years since he cutoff contact with myself, his siblings and all extended family. 

Last year I worked with a DBT therapist to write him a letter on his birthday using the DEARMAN technique (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindfulness, Appear Confident, Negotiate).  That letter was met with the response that I was manipulative since I told him that I miss him, and would love to take him out for lunch for his birthday.

This year my heart remains broken.  I want nothing more than to have a relationship with my son, and let him know how proud I am of him.  The back story is that I raised my 3 kids on my own since they were really young.  When this child (who is the youngest) was almost 17 yrs old, I met and subsequently married my husband.  This child never accepted that I was getting married, and decided that I needed to "choose" between my husband and him.  He cut off all ties to our family when his sister announced that she was getting married and that my husband would be invited to the wedding. 

As a mom....and especially a mom who was a solo show, I am so extremely close to my kids, and I am just devastated at how things have turned out.  Not contacting him for his birthday just feels so wrong... he has BPD and part of this condition is the fear of abandonment.  On the other hand, he has told us only to contact him in the event of an emergency.  Life is so gosh darn short to think about not having him in my life.  I am left grieving a son who is physically alive, but emotionally unavailable.  I cry, I beat myself up emotionally for everything, and am physically in chronic pain.

How have other parent's managed a similar situation?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

hi!  my heart goes all out to you....I, too, am going on my 2nd birthday with my estranged daughter, I know it is just mind BOGGLING, we were always SOOO close...I JUST met with a therapist who assists PARENTS of pwBPD; until than, I can tell you LAST birthday (last holidayS PERIOD) were just brutal....like YOU, my pwBPD mentioned once, "why did you give up on me?" (I did not, have not & will not!) but...I reach out very sporadically, because pwBPD said I "enable" her and my "constant interaction is not helping with her mental growth", my new therapist calls it a "push/pull"; I wish you much luck...the teeny bit of advice I have is to TRY, just TRY to find something to celebrate!  Please feel free to reach out, if you like

[CC43]

Hi there,

Holidays and special days can be really hard if you have a loved one with BPD. If your son isn’t in contact with any family member, he may be embarrassed or ashamed, especially if he hasn’t hit adult milestones. That feeling could keep him away. But I’d say that’s preferable to acting out and blaming his family for all his problems. A victim attitude tends to be very self-defeating.

I could see that telling him you miss him could be triggering. He could resent you for thinking that he’s responsible for your pain, when he thinks his pain is a thousand times worse. He might feel you are trying to guilt him into connecting with you, when he already feels guilty deep down.

How can you stand this?  I’m not sure there’s any solution. Surely you miss him dearly. I think you take solace with knowing that you did your best and you still love him. If he were well he’d want you to live your best life, so I think you should do that. Maybe he’ll come around someday when he’s ready.

[BPDstinks]

I love that advice....I cannot even believe this but my pwBPD is having Thanksgiving with MY sister, who does not speak to me, because she does not speak to HER daughter and I DO activities with her (my niece!) it is like some weird reality show!  If anyone had predicted this 5 years ago i would have told them they were on "something"

[js friend]

Hi Smurark,

I try to do something that I will enjoy on my udd's birthday. It could be getting my hair done, watching a nice movie, enjoying a nice meal or just having a relaxing day, but I always make a special effort to have a nice day. Afterall we are still here and healthy with all the C%$p we have been through...and I think that needs celebrating.

[BPDstinks]

don't mean to be dismal, but...last year, I struggled to get out of BED....my husband cannot wrap his brain around this (I know it is hard) and kept asking if we were having bday dinner (we have literally gone to the same restaurant for at least 10 years); I ended up going to a mind numbing movie