Hi Sadmomof3, adding another welcome from me
It is heartbreaking to want good for your children but to see them in some ways being hurtful, self-centered, self-destructive, or just unreachable. This is definitely a community that understands your grief and your loss -- because even though your daughter is alive, you're experiencing the loss of what you'd hoped and dreamed for her, and that's real.
My daughter was just diagnosed with BPD last year but has been dealing with depression and anxiety since before she became a teenager. She isn’t very forthcoming with her father and I but she tells her sister everything.
How old is your daughter with BPD, and how old are your other kids? Do all of them live at home, or are some of them living elsewhere?
Does your daughter with BPD accept her BPD diagnosis, or downplay it? How about the depression/anxiety -- does she seem to acknowledge those are going on?
Her sister recently told me that my daughter hates me and she plans on never speaking to or seeing me again after she moves out.
My husband's kids' mom has many traits of BPD, and one thing I've learned over the years is: she will say all kinds of extreme things, but that doesn't mean she'll follow through. A pwBPD might be unskillfully expressing an intense, momentary emotion when she says things like "I hate you and I'll never see you again", or "I don't think the kids should go on the trip you planned", or "He's my favorite person in the world and always will be". pwBPD struggle with intense and extreme emotion, and often have low skills for expressing or managing those emotions.
While it's hard to guarantee what she'll do, I wonder if you can tell yourself "she is saying right now that she hates me and will never see me again; even though that would be painful, it's not happening now, and time will tell if she will choose that or not" -- maybe take it a day at a time, and with a grain of salt.
I’ve only ever tried to help her and I don’t know where I have gone wrong. She doesn’t feel like anyone listens to her and I don’t know what more I can do.
This could be important.
Everyone, BPD or no, needs
real emotional validation in their lives. pwBPD happen to be extra sensitive to being invalidated -- to times when others, intentionally or not, dismiss their concerns, minimize their feelings, or try to "explain" away their emotions.
We can be invalidating out of the best of intentions and the most loving heart -- imagine an example where a crying child says "Mom, Jamie took my toy, and I'll never get it back again!" A typical response is sometimes: "Oh honey, he didn't really mean it -- you can share it for a bit, he'll give it back". It sounds so normal, right?
In fact, it's an invalidating response -- it's accidentally communicating to the child "your fears aren't rational so they don't matter to me, and I can't see your point of view or notice your sadness". It's explaining away the child's feelings... and that hurts, and makes the child think "nobody really listens to me". And that's even if it's true that Jamie will give the toy back, and even if it's true that the child needs to learn to share.
A validating response might be:
"Oh honey, are you feeling sad that Jamie has your toy right now?"
Notice you aren't agreeing that everything is fine, or agreeing that the child doesn't have to share, or agreeing that Jamie will never give it back. It's just noticing and caring about the feeling behind the words. There'll be time to talk about sharing later... after the child feels heard.
Typically, decreasing our invalidation, and working on creating a more validating home environment, is the biggest move we can make to improve interactions with the pwBPD in our home. Check out the link -- anything there stand out to you?
We have tried so many different doctors and medications but nothing seems to help. She has stopped seeing all of her doctors and therapists now and I have encouraged her to go back and try again but she won’t.
That must be so difficult to watch. Are there any doctors, medical personnel, counselors, or therapists she is still seeing at all?
I wonder if she needs to choose to go back, on her own timeline. Sometimes pwBPD can be resistant to too much help/too much encouragement. Again, it can be accidentally invalidating: "I think you're so broken that you need me to tell you to get help... you can't do it on your own". Sometimes people need to decide for themselves to get help, and when that happens, it can be so much more productive.
That doesn't mean it's easy for you at home... but it's a thought.
...
Are you and your husband on the same page about having her live at home, what her responsibilities are, and what you're OK with/not OK with her doing or not doing? When the parents are a team, that can make some things easier.
