Story about children and a parent with BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

I met my partner 9 years ago and she came from a previous turbulent marriage and it has triggered BPD in her, but knowing her childhood and other things in her upbringing, it has been in her for many years and it has also been noted by people around her from her past relationships as I have read in old documents and others who have described many things that all hit the spot on BPD. When I met her and we got together and got married and everything was lovely and things went relatively smoothly for several years.

She has previously been to several psychologists before I met her, and one has mentioned Borderline as something that could be in her. She told me this herself, but refused to believe it, and at the time I didn't think much of it, since things were working well between us.

I have no children and I have not been able to have children with her, but she has 2 boys now 11 and 15 from her previous relationship. Initially, there was a 10/4 sharing arrangement, where the eldest spends 10 days with his father and 4 days with his mother, and the youngest spends 10 days with his mother and 4 days with his father. It actually worked well for several years and the boys also accepted me from the beginning, but until the oldest got permanent residence with us with his little brother due to some kind of violent episode, they both ended up living with us us permanently. It wasn't long before conflicts arose around the eldest boy and especially my wife. It has been going on for pretty much all the time he has been with us and until now. He has of course become a teenager, and with all that now comes with it. He is behind in his mental development, so he is often like a small child. The youngest is also behind, and the two are both working against their development. The youngest has always been very attached to me, and we have had a good relationship together through his upbringing.
But now to the challenging everyday life that has been going on for the last 5 years.

I can feel that my wife often has an outburst of anger mostly against the eldest boy and it can be bad with the same phrases and physical influences from the environment (without any kind of violence against anyone, and there never was)

I am often frustrated with the situation between us and especially the oldest boy, and if I become strict in my way of telling him what is right and wrong, but still in a pedagogically constructive way, then I am often later confronted with it from min. wife who thinks I should think about being just a child.
But when there is a conflict between her and him, bad sentences can come (

[TheEuropean]

I met my partner 9 years ago and she came from a previous turbulent marriage and it has triggered BPD in her, but knowing her childhood and other things in her upbringing, it has been in her for many years and it has also been noted by people around her from her past relationships as I have read in old documents and others who have described many things that all hit the spot on BPD. When I met her and we got together and got married and everything was lovely and things went relatively smoothly for several years.

She has previously been to several psychologists before I met her, and one has mentioned Borderline as something that could be in her. She told me this herself, but refused to believe it, and at the time I didn't think much of it, since things were working well between us.

I have no children and I have not been able to have children with her, but she has 2 boys now 11 and 15 from her previous relationship. Initially, there was a 10/4 sharing arrangement, where the eldest spends 10 days with his father and 4 days with his mother, and the youngest spends 10 days with his mother and 4 days with his father. It actually worked well for several years and the boys also accepted me from the beginning, but until the oldest got permanent residence with us with his little brother due to some kind of violent episode, they both ended up living with us us permanently. It wasn't long before conflicts arose around the eldest boy and especially my wife. It has been going on for pretty much all the time he has been with us and until now. He has of course become a teenager, and with all that now comes with it. He is behind in his mental development, so he is often like a small child. The youngest is also behind, and the two are both working against their development. The youngest has always been very attached to me, and we have had a good relationship together through his upbringing.
But now to the challenging everyday life that has been going on for the last 5 years.

I can feel that my wife often has an outburst of anger mostly against the eldest boy and it can be bad with the same phrases and physical influences from the environment (without any kind of violence against anyone, and there never was)

I am often frustrated with the situation between us and especially the oldest boy, and if I become strict in my way of telling him what is right and wrong, but still in a pedagogically constructive way, then I am often later confronted with it from min. wife who thinks I should think about being just a child.
But when there is a conflict between her and him, bad sentences can come (

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Gosh TheEuropean - things have changed dramatically for you, and indeed for everyone in the family.

Things were going pretty well by the sound of it. The 10/4 pattern was working well and allowed each child to have time with their mother, and also gave you the opportunity to develop a relationship with the younger child. The children spent little time together during the time of this pattern, they were rather like only-child as they seemed to not be together under the same roof for any length of time at all.

As a backdrop to all this is the knowledge that it is possibly that your wife is dealing with BPD.

The older boy has spent much more time with his father - from what you say - and the younger child really did have the opportunity to develop strong family relations with you, his mother and himself - with just 4 days a fortnight spent with his father.

It seems that the relationship between your wife and the older child is the most difficult? Do either of the children see their father on a regular basis now?

A couple of things come to mind - is there a possibility of having some family counselling sessions where how people are feeling is out in the open and there might be the chance to work on a plan for moving forward?

Another thing could be to set aside a time for you and your wife to first of all acknowledge how 'different' this new situation is, how everyone is struggling to find their place in the new situation and if there are any suggestions as to how you can work together on a day to day basis.

Also wondering if there can be a look at the weekly routine to see if there is any possibility of one on one time: mum and older son; you and younger one - or the other way around.

I am not sure how openly everyone is talking about this new situation, or whether everyone is just struggling to adapt and to know what the expectations are and how to relate to one another. If this is not the case, I think that getting together for a short time and someone - you? - speaking openly about how everyone is having a challenging time because of the new situation - and perhaps ask if anyone can suggest how to improve things?

Mind you, as I write I start to think of my BPD DD and how impossible all these things would be with her. But perhaps it is different in your case? After all you had quite a few years when things seemed to go very well.

I hope you can get back to those times TheEuropean.

[Notwendy]

A couple of thoughts.

The oldest is in puberty/adolescence. This is a challenging time for teens and all parents- BPD or not but BPD may make it even more challening. He may be mentally delayed but physically, his body is changing and hormones are affecting his mood. Also, this is a time where teens seek autonomy and may oppose the parent. Parents need to have mature emotional skills to navigate this- when is the teen actually misbehaving and when is this adolescent behavior. A parent with BPD may not be able to do this as well.

Karpman triangle dynamics. When you get into this teen-parent conflict, and discipline the boy, you are acting as rescuer to your wife. Seeing the boy disciplined, he becomes victim, she becomes rescuer to him and you become persecutor.

Is any professional being involved here? It seems that these boys are in a difficult situation with their biological parents. They are also delayed mentally and need to be evaluated for this if they haven't already. Your wife may be correct in that discipline needs to take into account their mental and emotional age- but I think this would take professional guidance. Physically, the 15 year old is likely in puberty with the usual emotional and physical changes. If he isn't- that needs to be evaluated too.