Sometimes I feel judged by other people

[BIRD86]

It’s not easy dealing with a daughter with this illness,
I feel like people who doesn’t know judge me and point fingers at me. Making me feel like I have turned my back on my daughter because she out there struggling alone due the the circumstances she cannot live with me for my own mental and physical health.

I feel like I wanna live my life as normal as possible and enjoy and go out and go things with my husband and have fun. I am finally at a place where I feel like enjoying every minute even tho it has taken me a year to get out of a big funk after my daughter tried to commit suicide.

Like treating my self was a sin in other peoples eyes.
I try to help my daughter as much as possible and give her guidance but she doesn’t take any advice and push me away most of the times is hard to include her in any plans or activities because she kinda ruins the mood with all the negativity.

Is hard!!! I feel so guilty and every time I am traveling or having fun I think of her and wish she was here enjoying life and being happy. I see other Ms posting pictures of their daughters and sons on social media and I can’t help but to feel awful. When are things gonna get back to normal ?

Sorry for the long post I am just so sad specially during the holidays.
For thanksgiving my husband and I decided to take a staycation and do ourselves this year.  I won’t be with my daughter and family and honestly I want to be alone and not be around my daughter and family. It has been a hard year and I am thankful for being healthy and for not taking my daughters life and she’s alive. But I don’t feel like I want thankful for this year and I am grateful in general but I don’t feel like celebrating with close ones this year.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[murmom]

Hello Bird86

I had to reply to your post and let you know that you are not alone in how you feel. You didn't say how old your daughter is and how long you have been dealing with her behaviors.  I have been on this site off and on for 10+ years. I remember all the judgemental reactions from people, including therapists and social workers,  when my daughter was in her teens. Now that my daughter is older and I am not directly involved in her "treatment," ( I put that in quotes because she is off and on any serious treatment plan) I don't get judged by the authorities.  However,  my daughter's friends and her boyfriend judge me unfairly and I have just stopped sharing any issues with my daughter with anyone outside my husband and two grown sons. Unless someone has been through this themselves they can never fully understand what we have been through.  My husband and I are also having a low key Thanksgiving this year with only one son and not inviting my daughter,  her bf and my granddaughter over. We had 3 weeks of unnecessary drama and manipulation and need to be be away from the chaos. I am learning to let my daughter go to live life the way she wants to, because mine doesn't listen to common sense either. It comes at a price that I don't see granddaughter as often, but I have learned to be happy and content with my life and not define myself in relationship to my daughter or even being a grandma. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in your feelings and you deserve peace and to enjoy your life, too. Happy Thanksgiving!

[js friend]

Hi Bird,

I would echo what murmour has stated. You are certainly not alone in feeling judged by others.


I remember a support worker that udd had when she was in her early 20's  asking me " And where were you when all this was happening?" after I had explained dd's behaviour and the reasons why
 udd would not be allowed to live back in home. That one comment summed up what I believed that everyone thought of me...That I  had failed as a mother.

Before that comment a family therapist said I was an overbearing mother in so many words. I also had a close friend who I had been friends with since udd was very small who I often used to turn to who later turned around and later questioned my parenting. Even my own family members are not the kind of people I have ever felt that I  could to. Anything I shared with them was either ignored, brushed off or has been used as used as gossip so i have  just held it all in and have vowed never to share my difficulties with udd to anyone ever again.

[js friend]

* that I could go to

[js friend]

Hi again Bird86

......Sorry my posts are all over the place. Having laptop problems.

When my udd was doing her worse I made sure that I went out to socialise. Its ok to feel sad from time to time but try not feel guilty about getting out there and enjoying yourself again because you have a life to lead too. I remember  when I first started socialising again and that I wasnt really living in the moment because all I could think of was what may be happening at home, but after a while I felt more and more comfortable being away from home, because I knew my udd was going to do what she was going to do whether I was there or not. Please also remember that  all the stress in our bodies accumulate which can lead to developing chronic illnesses which is a good enough reason to begin to take care of your physical and mental health.

[CC43]

Hi Bird,

If your daughter doesn’t listen to you, that’s her choice. Oftentimes actions speak louder that words anyway. You need to be a role model and demonstrate what a healthy life looks like, and that includes taking care of yourself and socializing, and doing fun things. If your daughter were healthy, that’s what she would want for you. The same goes for other people in your life

It’s normal to feel guilty sometimes, but guilt and regret aren’t productive feelings.  Dwelling for too long only brings you down. Around the holidays I think it’s better to focus on happier thoughts if you can, and appreciate what you do have. What other people think shouldn’t matter as much as what you think. You’re doing the best you can. Happy Thanksgiving.