Starting lawyer consultations - any advice appreciated.

[Dry Bones]

At the suggestion of several posters here, I am going to start reaching out to lawyers this week. The original plan was to basically procrastinate until the holidays were over, but I now see that there is no point in that.

Some quick background, I've been with my uBPDgf for 13 years and we have two daughters together, 11 and 6. Things have become so hostile in our home that I feel like I'm at the edge of my sanity at times. There is also active parental alienation at work and she is doing everything in her power to turn our daughters against me.

The house we've lived in for the past 12 years is owned by my mom, and now my mom is selling the house (or preparing to sell it at least). The other day, I finally had had enough and told uBPDgf that when this happens, I plan to find my own place. Her response to this was that when my mom sells the house, she would take our daughters and move out of state. The state she named is about 12 hours away and one where she has no family, but she alluded to knowing someone there - she also said that, "I made her this way." She claimed to have never had any emotional/psychological issues until she met me and said that her old boyfriends still send her messages, so maybe it's an old boyfriend she was alluding to who lives out of state.

Anyway, I was hoping to get some input from the members here who have experience with interviewing legal counsel - what kind of questions are good to ask, anything in particular I should look for, what to expect from the process, etc. Thank you very much in advance.

[ForeverDad]

First, let me remind you that you should be careful not to share too much information (TMI) with your stbEx.

For example, you probably should not share with her that if she does move away take the children with her that she would have to reside there for 6 months before that could be her state of residence as respects custody issues.

In other words, if she did do that, then you would have up to six months to file in your local area (don't cut the timing that close) and she would have to respond in your local court anyway.

But if you told her, she might try to finagle a way to bypass that standard by setting up accounts in her destination area and then claiming she had "moved" long before she actually did.

Do you see that potential wisdom of not sharing everything with her?  The general advice around here is that if you are trying to repair the trust in your relationship then sharing is vital.  But if the relationship is failing then you only share what is necessary, usually only needed financial matters and of course the parenting matters.

This is where our otherwise excellent quality of fairness can sabotage us.  We want to be overly fair, it's in our nature, but that will instead harm us since the other party is only concerned about self and doesn't care about fairness.

So your consultations with any lawyers must be private and confidential.  You don't even give "fair notice" about interviewing lawyers.  Sorry, your stbEx has no authority to demand you confess your confidential and private matters.  Once you've decided to hire a lawyer, the lawyer should tell you what you can - and what you should not - tell your partner (or children) and when.

[EyesUp]

When contacting attorneys, request an interview to see if there's a fit.  Do not ask for an initial consultation.  With the interview, you typically get :30 mins at no cost.  If you request a consultation, the atty may ask for a fee.

You need a family law atty, with experience in your county, and with experience in high conflict cases, and with experience in situations like yours - it's imperative that the atty knows your state's laws re: unmarried custody scenarios, and has direct experience with this type of case.  This should be your first question:  Do you have direct experience with unmarried custody cases?  Can you tell me about how you navigate this situation?  gf has already threatened to relocate out of state, what do you recommend in this situation?

If the atty states that this isn't their area of expertise, ask for a referral - "is there another atty you'd recommend for my situation?"

In parallel, don't expect attys to be your educator. Start to research your state laws.  Be prepared to become an expert in all things related to separation in situations like yours. 

It's cheaper and often more effective to get good at using Google Scholar than paying an atty $$$ to educate you.  Read up on cases in your state.  Go to your local courthouse and sit in on some public hearings.  Talk to other parents who have been through this - not just on this forum, but in your local community. 

Whatever you do, don't move out and leave the kids with your gf.  That effectively announces to the court that you're fine ceding parenting time.

Do accept every offer or request to spend time with your kids, and document it.  Whenever she asks you to watch the kids, do it.  Your documentation will help illustrate that she's 100% ok with you spending time with the kids, contrary to opposite claims that she may make down the road in order to "win"

Keep a concise daily journal.  Drop offs, pick ups, parent teacher meetings, doctor appointments, playdates - everything.  You may need to prove that you've been an involved parent.  This documentation will also help get your atty on your side, if it comes to that, because every client says that they are involved and unfortunately opposing sides often say the opposite... having some documentation that helps to make your case can go a long way.  If necessary, your atty should know how to get this sort of documentation properly entered to evidence so that it cannot be dismissed later.

In addition to FD's good advice above - take your time - interview multiple attys. Take notes.  Watch for different perspectives. 

Don't forget nuts and bolts like:  Is there a retainer?  How much?  What's your hourly rate?  Do you have paralegals who will work on my case?  What is their rate?  If the case goes to trial, will you personally represent me in court, or will it be someone else?  How long does the typical case take? 

There are a ton of resources out there that make divorce/custody into a gendered issue.  A lot of the women's literature on this subject focuses on recovering from abusive relationships.  Consider scanning some of the custody guide books for women...   it might give you a leg up on the advice that your gf may receive.  Or, you might find that some aspects are directly helpful for you.

Finally, when interviewing attys, you might ask who is the worst pitbull of an atty they've had to face in your county?  How did they manage it?  What was the outcome?  Then go interview that atty...

Good luck.

[ParentingThruIt]

Given what she's saying think really hard about what custody arrangement you hope for and what you think is workable. Be careful about being viewed as deserting the kids etc especially with the alienation. SEt up a safe place for the kids and file for the custody you want.

The book Splitting by Eddy and Krieger is extremely helpful. You can listen to it on Audible in a couple days.

Be ready for a fight and continued blaming and adverse behavior.

I also hear all the time that everything is my fault and I made him this way, if it's any consolation.

[BPDLover44]

I have found ChatGPT to be a quick and effective way to understand the applicable legal principles but check my interpretations with my lawyer.