Working on divorce and things have gotten messy

[Peter Deveroux]

My wife has never been officially diagnosed with BPD. That said, every single therapist I've talked to, including ones the two of us have seen together, have suggested that she is a borderline. I know an "amateur diagnosis" is not usually a positive thing; however this is as professional a diagnosis as I think I'm going to be able to get with her.

We decided to get a divorce several months ago, but due to financial and job-related issues have not proceeded beyond that decision. At the end of October we told our kids about the plan for divorce, and I moved to the guests bedroom in our basement. Our stated goal to the kids was to remain friends and be amicable.

I was laid off in March, started a new job in May, and was laid off again in early October. I've been without work for the last almost two months, but have been actively job hunting the entire time. The day after thanksgiving I fell off a ladder and broke my ankle very badly, which has added another stresser. The following day she entered a BPD rage. I will admit I did not maintain a calm demeanor during it. I spoke angrily and rudely to her a couple of times. The rage led to her demanding I move out, which I calmly refused to do. She grabbed my phone to throw it out the door. My phone is my only real means of communicating with most of my support group, so despite my broken ankle I got up and hobbled after her. As she got to the door I reached around her to grab the phone, ended up putting my full weight on my broken ankle, and collapsed. Because of this, I ended up grabbing her and tearing her shirt. She is now accusing me of attacking her. Fortunately my adult-aged daughter witnessed what happened and can attest that it was an accident.

I am still in the home, and am calmly but firmly refusing to move out. It is time for the abuse to end, but I don't know the best way to proceed. I can't really afford a lawyer at this time, but staying in the same home is unteneble. I cannot leave my children with her, especially my 11-year-old autistic son.

I don't know what to do.

[EyesUp]

@OP,

Sorry to hear what you're going through.

First, as a practical matter, get a voice recorder and keep it going 24/7.  Recording what happens in the home may be the only way to deal with a false DV claim, if it gets to that.  Even if you're in a 2-party state, you need to discretely record to protect yourself.  I encourage you to know your local laws on this.

I agree that you should try to remain in the house.  Moving out would signal to the court that you are ok with your wife being the primary parent to your son and a shared custody/parenting situation could become difficult to achieve.

Instead, while you're laid up, offer to do as much as possible and to give your wife the flexibility to come and go as she pleases.  Concisely document your time with your son.  This may help to minimize interaction and conflict with your wife, and also help to establish your role as care giver to your son.

If you haven't already, start to explore resources in your area.  Interview attorneys, etc.  You don't have to hire one today, but use this time productively so that you're ready to engage when you're back on your feet.

No matter what, going forward, you need to avoid getting drawn into emotional conflict with your wife.  I think you already know this - but now you need to really do it. 

It might be helpful to think of it differently:  Everything I've written here applies to any high conflict divorce process - BPD doesn't necessarily need to be involved.  The best way to stop riding the rollercoaster is to get off the rollercoaster.  Become a sphinx.  Don't JADE.  Communicate in writing. 

Understand that your wife is likely processing the divorce as a rejection / criticism, and the fact is that for almost all of us:  Divorce is a personal failure of sorts. 

Are you still seeing a therapist?  Is your wife? 

This is hard stuff.  Hang in there.

[ForeverDad]

My wife has never been officially diagnosed with BPD. That said, every single therapist I've talked to, including ones the two of us have seen together, have suggested that she is a borderline. I know an "amateur diagnosis" is not usually a positive thing; however this is as professional a diagnosis as I think I'm going to be able to get with her.

Sadly, I agree that your years of living with her will not move the court and surrounding professionals to listen to your observations and conclusions.  When I divorced nearly two decades ago I described my court as "studiously avoiding" the topic of mental health issues.  Court and the professionals associated with it deal with the litigants as they are.  It usually sticks to documentation, evidence and the limited recommendations from Custody Evaluators, Guardians ad Litem (GAL, lawyer for the minor children), Parenting Coordinators, etc.

Many counselors and therapists refuse to testify directly in court, generally to avoid lawsuits and complaints to licensing boards.  However, they will share their information with a Custody Evaluator, GAL or parenting coordinator who, in turn, can make recommendations to the court.

If you have minor children, what is the age range?

[CravingPeace]

So sorry you are going through this and also with the loss of jobs and injury.

Without wanting to worry you do you have any friends or family near by? Do you have a grab bag of things you could take in an emergency and somewhere you could go quickly?

I don't know where you live but where I do protective orders are a thing and they are heavily abused by BPDs.

She could use that innocent event plus a load of made up BS to get you removed from the house, again I think this is a US thing. But anyway being prepared knowing what you would do if you had to leave quickly would be a good idea.

I was given 10 minutes to leave by sherrifs. I was woefully unprepared. People discussed BPDs doing this to them on this very forum. I thought. My wife would never do that. What folly. BPD is real.....

Also as already said record everything 247... I missed an hour or so a day and it was exactly when she made up stuff so I couldnt prove it false. You need 247 recording on you at all times. Good luck.

[ForeverDad]

Also as already said record everything 24/7... I missed an hour or so a day and it was exactly when she made up stuff so I couldnt prove it false. You need 24/7 recording on you at all times. Good luck.

Likely your spouse suspects or knows you've been recording.  Or maybe you spilled the beans, as many of us did too.  Guess what?  There will be demands that you delete your documentation.  Yes, we can be tempted by hoping appeasement will work, but it doesn't, not long term.  If you face that and you haven't backed up your data elsewhere in a safe place the spouse can't access either electronically or physically, then put it off until it is backed up then who cares what you delete, a copy or copies are secure elsewhere.  (Don't reveal that!)