It didn't go well.... so now what?

[AlwaysAnxious]

Today I took a stand and followed my boundaries, leaving my undiagnosed bpd daughter's house when she wouldn't respect the boundaries I was very clear about.  

It didn't go well.  

I had been at her house all night long.  She recently (like last night sort of recently) started punching herself in the leg if I say I'm going to leave. I wasn't sure how to deal with that and she was so distraught that I stayed the night. I got about 2 hours of sleep and today, she called me back.

I will spare the 2 hours worth of details that happened after that but say that now, I am at my home, with radio silence from her.  I don't know if she's ok or not. I texted to remind her that I loved her and that I was checking on her...no response.  She always says if I call the police, EMT's, her therapist, etc., that she will simply "do it". and so I fear doing that. I've also called the police before and they wouldn't go - said it could cause more grief than it's worth.

I do see a therapist to help me know how to deal with this.  Unfortunately, she isn't available on the weekends.

Any advice? I need to know she's ok without losing myself. I can't go over tonight and I must (per my therapist) put my phone on focus (or she calls and needs me to be on the phone or with her for hours)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Gosh you are doing it tough AlwaysAnxious! I wrote a long response but seem to have lost it! So I will just put the main points down

It is predictable that when a boundary is put in place, the emotional behaviours will escalate. I think you are doing well – especially as I think there is strong co-dependency there.

You say ‘I need to know’.  It might help to ask yourself these questions (difficult I know when you are physically/emotionally exhausted) but it might help

Do you think you feel responsible for whatever happens? If so can you find ways to help you  ‘let go’ of this?
If you don’t make changes yourself, will this situation go on forever and if so, is it in your DD’s best interests that it keeps going like this?
What would happen if you were not there?
Is there some way to put up boundaries in a different way? For example telling DD that if she is distressed at night you will talk/be there for one hour and then ring her in hour’s time to see how she is? This is just thinking out loud, there might be difficulties with this.

The situation now is that DD is not able to ‘sooth’ herself or allow herself enough time to let her intense emotions reduce. It is possible that you being there/talking keeps the emotional dysregulation at a high level. If I engage with my DD this is what happens.

If you ‘step back’ of course you are left with DD in a state of high dysregulation and it is natural to think the worst.

It is important to keep your eye on the long term and keep trying to help DD to manage her emotional rollercoaster ride herself. Whatever happens as you try to help her do this, it is because you love her.

[AlwaysAnxious]

Hi Sancho

I knew I had to do it eventually and when I was at her house the night before, it was literally a night of being berated, called names, insulted and then sometimes, calmness.  Of course, I tried to stay calm (and did for the most part) but I left feeling so beat down and I knew I should have enforced my boundaries earlier. I thought it would be easier in the daytime as she seems to be better then.

I have tried putting up boundaries that were easier - talking on the phone in stead of in person at night for example but she lives 10 minutes from me and so will drive over and reek havoc in my home or she'll drive over, then walk home and call me stating she's fallen or is in some sort of danger.

She's been getting worse and I've offered to pay for DBT therapy for her - but she lies and says she's called them when I know she hasn't.  So...  even as I go through your questions below, I do feel responsible even though logically, I know I am not but I don't know how to let go. She is still my child and I love her so deeply.  Nothing will change if I keep enabling her. When I travel for work - she calls me there and in fact, we work together and she does the same when I'm in the office.  I do think that I somehow enable her rage and so that's why I did what I did tonight. 

It just feels devastating and I don't know how to not worry about the outcome.

[Sancho]

Thanks for getting back AlwaysAnxious.
Gosh I can see just how difficult this situation is and I can really understand how you are at your wits end!

Can I ask how often the all night - or just being called on at night - happen?

I am really concerned for your wellbeing.

[Notwendy]

This is a big step- to do something different and not enable. There is an emotional reaction on your part when this happens. When we enable someone- we are doing two things- trying to manage their feelings ( which is enabling, stepping over the line- because it's their feelings not ours) but we are also managing our own feelings of fear of not enabling and fear of their response.

To change this double reinforcing loop of enabling- we also need to learn to manage our own fears when we change our actions.

There's a learning curve to this- it's not something we are used to doing-it's not the usual pattern- but for change to happen- we have to change our actions.

You did this- took this first step. It's scary and it feels difficult- these are your own feelings you are experiencing. Your D is also reacting to the change as it's different for her too.

But it is progress on your part. What to do next? Self care. Call your therapist tomorrow. Do something nice for yourself. Go get some of your favorite things to eat, watch a good movie, read a book, listen to music- take care of you.

It may not ever be easy or comfortable to have boundaries with a close family member. For me, it's a mother with BPD.  One of the hardest things to do is to say no to her, but I also felt boundaries were needed. I didn't have good boundaries in general and tended to enable people too. It's difficult to do something different. It's also a learning curve- maybe we don't do it so well at first- but with practice it does get better.

It's especially scary when the family member has a history/threat of self harm. I hope you can work out a plan for what you could do with your therapist.

[CC43]

Hi Anxious,

I’m sorry the situation seems so desperate. I’m glad you have the courage to make some changes, because the status quo isn’t good for either of you. Things always seem worse when you’re exhausted.

Look, my BPD stepdaughter would typically not text any reply when people were checking in with her about her welfare. I think she did this as a sort of punishment or vindication. Whenever she didn’t get her way, she’d go silent for a time. But she always came back. I learned that it was best not to « beg » for a reply, because it confirmed her version of events and perpetuated the enablement. She needed time and space to get back to baseline.

What’s it terrifying?  Of course it was. She ended up in the hospital several times. But that’s when she got some help. Enabling the status quo of unhealthy dysfunction and very negative thinking only prolonged the misery for everyone. She needed outside help to get out of her pit of despair, which she would lie down and wrap up with like a comfortable blanket.

[AlwaysAnxious]

So, I still haven't heard from her and I'm terrified. This is the longest she's gone without contact. 
I feel like I'm held hostage though this time, without knowing what is happening.

Sancho - the all nighters have become quite frequent just recently - 2 or 3 times a week sometimes and she doesn't let me sleep because she can't.  I go to work the next day on 2 or 3 hours of sleep sometimes.  If I'm not at her house, she calls me.  We talk or text multiple times a day already.  But right now...nothing.

NotWendy - thank you.  I'm just terrified my big step is the last one I'll take if something's happened to her.

CC43 - Mine has so few friends right now that no one will know to check on her but me. If I call the police, she said she'll be sure they go away and then she'll do it - same with her therapist or EMS - nothing I can do but I'm so scared.  I tried to see if she had gone to her sporting event tonight but couldn't find her car.  I just need to know she's ok.

I'm just so heartbroken.

[CC43]

Hi there Anxious,

I hope you get to see your daughter today at work so that you feel a bit less anxious.

One thing I do to try to stay calm is to ensure my default assumptions are positive or neutral, not negative. I give people the benefit of the doubt. For example, if someone doesn’t answer a text right away, I assume that they are busy, rather than that they hate me or want to hurt my feelings. I also try not to worry about things that haven’t even happened yet. For example, if a doctor orders a test to check something out, I tell myself not to worry until I actually get back a bad test result. Worrying about future things that haven’t even happened is just too stressful. So here’s my reality check:  am I worrying about things that haven’t happened?  If so, I recognize that, adopt a more positive mindset and then think about something else.

So the next time your daughter cuts you off, I’d suggest trying to adopt a positive mindset. She’s taking time to calm down. Maybe she’s getting some sleep. Maybe she’s spending time with friends or hobbies. Maybe she was mad at first, but she’s learning to self-soothe. If she’s really feeling awful, she’ll check herself into a hospital and get some help. Try not to assume the worst which hasn’t even happened yet.

You are worried and heartbroken, and it’s very possible that your daughter is feeding off of that negative energy. If you assume the worst, then what sort of hope would your daughter have, when her thinking is so disordered, and she’s exhausted?  If you think a late-night argument is practically the end of the world, then wouldn’t she be inclined to think the same way?  Does that make sense?